be Hecksler’s close friend General Douglas
ness dealings with Mr. And Mrs. Leekstodder
MacArthur.
some years ago, and that they were on his
“It was Iron-Guts, all right,” the Post’s
“grudge-list.” A police official who asked not
source claimed, adding that in addition to the
to be identified said that the madman left a
lighter, searchers found a number of items
note behind identifying the Leekstodders as
amid the bone-dotted clumps of ashes in the
“foremen of the antichrist” and “real all—
death oven that have been positively identified around losers.”
as belonging to Hecksler. Although he declined
The note was found pinned to the ear—
to name all of these items, our exclusive source lobe of a corpse in the Mortuary’s composing
revealed to the Post that two of them were room.
gold teeth implanted following the end of
“Losers or not, they are real crispy now,”
World War II. Hecksler was briefly captured
said Police Lieutenant Rodney Marksland of
by the Germans during an intelligence opera—
the Long Island Police Department.
tion in November of 1944, and two of his teeth
According to the Post’s police source, were pulled during his interrogation. It was
details of what is now believed to be a suicide the replacements for those two teeth which
and double murder are extremely grisly. “We
investigators found in the crematorium fur—
think he killed the Leekstodders first and then nace, according to the Post’s source.
stuffed the bodies into the crematorium, mostly because it is just too horrible to believe he Related stories: New Yorkers Breathe Sigh
could have stuffed them in there while they
of Relief (4); Colorful career of Iron-Guts Hecksler were still alive,” the source said. “But there’s Recalled (Centerfold).
88
F R O M T H E D I S P A T C H E S O F I R O N - G U T S H E C K S L E R
[Editor’s note:These dispatches were written in a number of blank S & H Green Stamp books which the General apparently carried on his person at all times.]
Mar 29 81
1990 hrs
Location Classified
Operation Hot Foot completed successfully. Two more foremen of the Antichrist successfully dispatched back to the hell they came from. Also one bum. Sorry I had to give up the lighter. Hurt self plenty, but okay. Can take pain. Always could. HA!! Newspapers say I’m dead. Burn uniform.
Behind enemy lines. Shot if caught. Been there before, HA!! Going gets tough. Tough get going. Never punt on 4th down. Must infiltrate city.
Designated Jew undoubtedly lulled by reports of my death. Guard down.
Will commence Operation Bookworm coming weekend. April Fool to the Designated Jew, HA!! Have had a dream. Someone named CARLOS is looking for me. Means me harm? Yes I think so. CARLOS=spic name.
Spics damned good fighters. Crafty. City full of mongoloid-polyglot ruffi-ans. Worse than ever. Air full of brain-killing transmissions. Was there a terrorist named CARLOS? Doesn’t matter. Zenith House my objective.
Infiltrate on weekend. Kill Designated Jew. Kill whole staff if poss. Kill CARLOS if CARLOS does indeed exist. All foremen of the Antichrist. I will be able to think about Antichrist & other things better after I get some suppositories.
89
A memo from H A R L
DAT E : 3/30/81
TO : Roger Wade, Editor in Chief, Zenith House
S U B J E C T: Three Books!! The Principle of Gravity!!
Rog!
Listen, babes, I took a meeting last Fri with Teddy Graustark, the Apex veep in charge of Print Media. Main topic was mags: Hot Tools, Raw Cycle, Third World Mercenary, Your Pregnancy, and Horny Babes . We’re dropping all of them except for Third World Mercenary and Your Pregnancy . Subj of Zenith House also came up. I bought you a little more time, babes, but forget the year I promised you (which would be down to nine months now anyway, want a sub to Your Pregnancy ?—joke). Graustark will give you until June 30th to come up with three (3) books you guaren-goddamn-tee will hit
ness dealings with Mr. And Mrs. Leekstodder
MacArthur.
some years ago, and that they were on his
“It was Iron-Guts, all right,” the Post’s
“grudge-list.” A police official who asked not
source claimed, adding that in addition to the
to be identified said that the madman left a
lighter, searchers found a number of items
note behind identifying the Leekstodders as
amid the bone-dotted clumps of ashes in the
“foremen of the antichrist” and “real all—
death oven that have been positively identified around losers.”
as belonging to Hecksler. Although he declined
The note was found pinned to the ear—
to name all of these items, our exclusive source lobe of a corpse in the Mortuary’s composing
revealed to the Post that two of them were room.
gold teeth implanted following the end of
“Losers or not, they are real crispy now,”
World War II. Hecksler was briefly captured
said Police Lieutenant Rodney Marksland of
by the Germans during an intelligence opera—
the Long Island Police Department.
tion in November of 1944, and two of his teeth
According to the Post’s police source, were pulled during his interrogation. It was
details of what is now believed to be a suicide the replacements for those two teeth which
and double murder are extremely grisly. “We
investigators found in the crematorium fur—
think he killed the Leekstodders first and then nace, according to the Post’s source.
stuffed the bodies into the crematorium, mostly because it is just too horrible to believe he Related stories: New Yorkers Breathe Sigh
could have stuffed them in there while they
of Relief (4); Colorful career of Iron-Guts Hecksler were still alive,” the source said. “But there’s Recalled (Centerfold).
88
F R O M T H E D I S P A T C H E S O F I R O N - G U T S H E C K S L E R
[Editor’s note:These dispatches were written in a number of blank S & H Green Stamp books which the General apparently carried on his person at all times.]
Mar 29 81
1990 hrs
Location Classified
Operation Hot Foot completed successfully. Two more foremen of the Antichrist successfully dispatched back to the hell they came from. Also one bum. Sorry I had to give up the lighter. Hurt self plenty, but okay. Can take pain. Always could. HA!! Newspapers say I’m dead. Burn uniform.
Behind enemy lines. Shot if caught. Been there before, HA!! Going gets tough. Tough get going. Never punt on 4th down. Must infiltrate city.
Designated Jew undoubtedly lulled by reports of my death. Guard down.
Will commence Operation Bookworm coming weekend. April Fool to the Designated Jew, HA!! Have had a dream. Someone named CARLOS is looking for me. Means me harm? Yes I think so. CARLOS=spic name.
Spics damned good fighters. Crafty. City full of mongoloid-polyglot ruffi-ans. Worse than ever. Air full of brain-killing transmissions. Was there a terrorist named CARLOS? Doesn’t matter. Zenith House my objective.
Infiltrate on weekend. Kill Designated Jew. Kill whole staff if poss. Kill CARLOS if CARLOS does indeed exist. All foremen of the Antichrist. I will be able to think about Antichrist & other things better after I get some suppositories.
89
A memo from H A R L
DAT E : 3/30/81
TO : Roger Wade, Editor in Chief, Zenith House
S U B J E C T: Three Books!! The Principle of Gravity!!
Rog!
Listen, babes, I took a meeting last Fri with Teddy Graustark, the Apex veep in charge of Print Media. Main topic was mags: Hot Tools, Raw Cycle, Third World Mercenary, Your Pregnancy, and Horny Babes . We’re dropping all of them except for Third World Mercenary and Your Pregnancy . Subj of Zenith House also came up. I bought you a little more time, babes, but forget the year I promised you (which would be down to nine months now anyway, want a sub to Your Pregnancy ?—joke). Graustark will give you until June 30th to come up with three (3) books you guaren-goddamn-tee will hit
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