live together in harmony very long if the deeper chords of values and beliefs are out of sync. And that is where the danger is. The intense but superficial feelings a couple have for one another during their engagement can often block them from exploring and dealing with these very real issues.
For instance, are both of you in sync with God's purposes for your marriage? That's certainly one of those deeper chords. When I ask this question, it often draws a blank stare from engaged couples. God's purposes?
Remember, in Genesis God called the man and woman together for three specific reasons: for deep companionship, for raising healthy children, and for advancing His kingdom. To be married before God means forging a covenant together for aggressively pursuing these priorities and ordering life around them.
Of course, to do this requires a certain level of spiritual maturity and spiritual compatibility between you and your fiancé. That being the case, let me ask another deeper-chord question essential to your relationship. Are you both Christians? If you are and he's not, the Bible warns you not to move forward in this relationship. “Do not be bound together with unbelievers,” 2 Corinthians 6:14 says. Why the hard line? Because the deepest language of marriage is spiritual language. Nothing draws a couple closer and keeps them closer than a shared spiritual life. Therefore, be careful not to overlook or whitewash this vital area during your engagement. Be honest and ask tough questions. A broken engagement now is far better than a broken marriage later. On the other hand, laying a common spiritual foundation will be the single most important thing you can do for your marriage. It will undergird every other season to come.
Be sure that you also take advantage of well-designed premarital preparation. See if a class or training program is offered at your church. If not, find one. And if all else fails, look for one you can work through on video or on the Internet. It would be wise to ask an older, successful married couple to join you in this video experience. Interact with them about the information presented.
The point is: don't enter marriage unprepared! Most marriages that fail today fail within the first five years. On the other hand, research has shown that good premarital training virtually guarantees that this will not be the case for you. Make sure your premarital preparation includes large amounts of discussion, interaction, and practical helps over such vital topics asmoney, values, conflict resolution, marriage roles, marriage expectations, and sex. It would also be extremely helpful if this time included personality testing as well. Know this: personalities never change. You can rub off some of the rough spots, but basically, you are who you are. So the more you can know about each other's core personality—the strengths, the weaknesses, the pluses, the minuses, the needs of that personality, the language of that personality, and so on—the better.
Finally, read a few good-quality books on marriage. Two classics I highly recommend are Willard Harley's His Needs, Her Needs and Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages.
If all of this makes marriage sound like serious business, it is. The majority of the happiness you will experience in life as a woman will come from it. That's the wonderful upside. So don't ignore learning about marriage even as you enjoy this high-intensity season of love.
Newly Married/No Children
Now you've arrived, right? Actually, you've just begun. You've trained, studied, sought advice, and looked deeply into the vital issues of marriage, and now the first thing you need to do is keep on doing these things. Keep reading. Every year make it a point to take a class on an aspect of marriage. Go as a couple to a marriage conference. Seek wise counsel when conflicts arise. This is also a great time for your husband to go through one of my Men's Fraternity curricula, such as Winning at Work
For instance, are both of you in sync with God's purposes for your marriage? That's certainly one of those deeper chords. When I ask this question, it often draws a blank stare from engaged couples. God's purposes?
Remember, in Genesis God called the man and woman together for three specific reasons: for deep companionship, for raising healthy children, and for advancing His kingdom. To be married before God means forging a covenant together for aggressively pursuing these priorities and ordering life around them.
Of course, to do this requires a certain level of spiritual maturity and spiritual compatibility between you and your fiancé. That being the case, let me ask another deeper-chord question essential to your relationship. Are you both Christians? If you are and he's not, the Bible warns you not to move forward in this relationship. “Do not be bound together with unbelievers,” 2 Corinthians 6:14 says. Why the hard line? Because the deepest language of marriage is spiritual language. Nothing draws a couple closer and keeps them closer than a shared spiritual life. Therefore, be careful not to overlook or whitewash this vital area during your engagement. Be honest and ask tough questions. A broken engagement now is far better than a broken marriage later. On the other hand, laying a common spiritual foundation will be the single most important thing you can do for your marriage. It will undergird every other season to come.
Be sure that you also take advantage of well-designed premarital preparation. See if a class or training program is offered at your church. If not, find one. And if all else fails, look for one you can work through on video or on the Internet. It would be wise to ask an older, successful married couple to join you in this video experience. Interact with them about the information presented.
The point is: don't enter marriage unprepared! Most marriages that fail today fail within the first five years. On the other hand, research has shown that good premarital training virtually guarantees that this will not be the case for you. Make sure your premarital preparation includes large amounts of discussion, interaction, and practical helps over such vital topics asmoney, values, conflict resolution, marriage roles, marriage expectations, and sex. It would also be extremely helpful if this time included personality testing as well. Know this: personalities never change. You can rub off some of the rough spots, but basically, you are who you are. So the more you can know about each other's core personality—the strengths, the weaknesses, the pluses, the minuses, the needs of that personality, the language of that personality, and so on—the better.
Finally, read a few good-quality books on marriage. Two classics I highly recommend are Willard Harley's His Needs, Her Needs and Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages.
If all of this makes marriage sound like serious business, it is. The majority of the happiness you will experience in life as a woman will come from it. That's the wonderful upside. So don't ignore learning about marriage even as you enjoy this high-intensity season of love.
Newly Married/No Children
Now you've arrived, right? Actually, you've just begun. You've trained, studied, sought advice, and looked deeply into the vital issues of marriage, and now the first thing you need to do is keep on doing these things. Keep reading. Every year make it a point to take a class on an aspect of marriage. Go as a couple to a marriage conference. Seek wise counsel when conflicts arise. This is also a great time for your husband to go through one of my Men's Fraternity curricula, such as Winning at Work
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