The Motel Life by Willy Vlautin Page A

hours.
    But morning didn’t make anything better. The moment I woke I saw her like that, kneeling on the worn out carpet with that look on her face. I felt like that image would never leave me. That it would never go away, like a tattoo, like a scar.
    I didn’t go to my job. I called in and told them I was sick, and then I went back to our room. Jerry Lee was at work and I lay on my bed and cried.
    It was still morning when she came to my door. I let her in and fell back on my bed. I could barely breathe, my breath so tight it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. Like a horse was laying on me.
    She was dressed in jeans and a T-shirt. When I looked at her, you could tell she’d been crying herself, her face all swollen and red.
    ‘I’m sorry,’ she said.
    ‘I don’t care,’ was all I could get out.
    ‘I hated doing that, what you saw. I did, I really did. It wasn’tmy fault. It wasn’t. You don’t know what it’s like. My mom, she owed this guy a whole bunch of money, and he said he was gonna kill her, so that’s what I had to do so she could pay him off. My mom used to make me sometimes. I don’t do it anymore. I used to, when I was younger I had to. She knew I was moving in with you and she knew she couldn’t get me to do it anymore. She said I had to pay her back. She said she’d get killed if I didn’t help. I swear, she made me.’
    ‘You’re a fucking hooker,’ I said to her. ‘Like your mom, you’re just like her.’
    ‘I am not,’ she said and began sobbing. ‘You take that back, Frank Flannigan. I’m not like her.’
    ‘How can you say that?’ I said.
    ‘I love you, Frank, I swear I do. I’ve never been with anyone ’cause I wanted to. Not until I was with you. I swear. I ain’t a hooker, I swear I’m not. I’m not like that at all. I want to be a good person. I want to be with you. I don’t look at anyone else, I don’t want anyone else. What happened was different. You don’t know what it’s been like with her and me. You don’t know.’
    ‘What should I think?’ I said. I couldn’t sit up. It was like I was tired but jittery all at the same time.
    ‘I don’t know,’ she said.
    ‘I can’t believe you’d do that,’ I said.
    ‘I don’t have anyone besides you,’ she said. Her voice was falling apart. She was beginning to hyperventilate from crying. ‘I know I’m a bad person, but I can be good. You know I can. And you don’t know what it’s like with her. It’s been that way my whole life. Don’t take us away. If you do, I don’t know what I’ll do. I’ll probably just die.’
    ‘You should’ve just left with me if you had to do stuff like that. When she asked you, you should have. You stay over here all the time anyway. You always say you’re gonna move in, but you never do.’
    ‘I know,’ she said. She paused and wiped her eyes. She got up and went to the bathroom and blew her nose. She stood in the door. ‘I was scared. She went on and on about all the things she’d done for me, and how that guy you saw was gonna kill her. He really did say he was gonna kill her.’
    I sat up on the bed. ‘I don’t think I can see you anymore.’
    She began crying harder. She fell to the ground. ‘Please don’t, Frank. I won’t ever go back there. I won’t ever. I’ll leave everything I own there. I’ll do whatever you say.’
    ‘Then leave,’ I said.
    ‘You can trust me, I swear I can be good. You’ve seen me. I try hard. I’ve been good to you.’
    But every time I wanted to forgive her, the image with that guy came in my mind.
    ‘Leave me alone.’
    ‘Don’t make me, Frank, please don’t make me.’
    I got up off the bed. I looked at her, and just looking made me want to die and to kill her all at the same time. It really felt like that. I put on my shoes.
    ‘I’ll walk you out,’ I said.
    ‘No,’ she said, still crying. ‘Please don’t do this, please. I can’t lose you. Really, Frank, don’t. I can’t go back there. I want to