shifted slightly and Jessica sensed that Ryan had rolled onto his side facing her.
“Did you join the army instead of going to college?” Jessica asked.
Ryan’s warm breath puffed out in a sigh, brushing across her neck. “What makes you think I didn’t go to college? Do I sound uneducated?”
“No, of course not. I just thought, since you joined the army—”
“I happen tohave an official piece of paper in a drawer somewhere saying I graduated college.”
“In a drawer somewhere?”
“You think I should have it on my ego wall?” he teased.
“Do you have an ego wall?”
“As a matter of fact, I do.”
“What’s on it, if not your college diploma?”
He fell silent, and after a while, Jessica thought he might have fallen asleep.
“My wall has thingsthat really matter,” he finally said, his deep voice tinged with a hint of sadness. “Pictures of men I served with in special forces. Men who died.” Another pause. “I lost four men on my last mission.”
The regret and sadness in his voice tugged at her heart. “I’m sorry about your men.”
He didn’t answer, and after waiting for several minutes, she realized he wasn’t going to. “I don’tunderstand,” she said. “How is a wall of pictures an ego wall?”
He sighed again, as if realizing she wasn’t going to give up. “It reminds me not to have an ego. It reminds me that no matter how experienced or how accomplished I think I am, anything can happen. There are no guarantees.”
“I’m sorry, Ryan. Sorry you lost your friends.” An image of the explosion flashed through her mind.She squeezed her eyes shut, wishing she could block out her memories just as easily as she closed her eyes. “And I’m so sorry that I’m the reason your marshal friends died.” She rolled to her other side, facing away from him.
He wrapped her in a bear hug, shocking her as he pulled her tightly against him, spooning his body behind hers. “The explosion wasn’t your fault,” he whispered. “I nevershould have blamed you for that. I’m the one who owes you an apology. I’m sorry, Jessica.”
He reached out until he found her hand again and he entwined his fingers with hers. He gave her a gentle squeeze and held her close. For a long moment, Jessica lay there, shocked that he’d apologized and that he continued to hold her close, offering her the comfort of his arm around her waist.
Her heart nearly broke as a wave of longing crashed over her, swamping her with emotion. Not lust this time, although her desire for him was always there, simmering beneath the surface. No, this time she longed for acceptance. She longed for Ryan to care about her, to want to protect her because he liked the person she was instead of just because it was his job. She longed for a real family, likeRyan’s—brothers and sisters, a mother and a father who would love her, and never leave her.
She longed for a way to make up for all the pain she’d caused so many people because of the choices she’d made in her life. She wanted to have value. She wanted to matter to someone.
And she wanted to hear Ryan’s laugh one more time before she went to sleep.
“I know what the e stands for,”she said, her voice hesitant. She waited for his response. One heartbeat. Two.
“What does it stand for?”
Relief swept through her. “Everett,” she teased.
“Nope.”
“Elrod?”
He chuckled. “No.”
The vise around Jessica’s heart eased at the sound of his laughter. “Ernest?”
“Not even close.”
“I’ve got it. Elbert.”
“No, my middle name is not Everett. It’s notElrod, or Ernest, and it most certainly is not Elbert.”
She heard the smile in his voice and she smiled in return. “Good night, Ryan.”
“Jessica,” he said, his voice serious again. “I’m going to wake you at first light. I wish I could let you sleep longer, but we need to put some more distance between us and that gunman. Once we get a few more miles between us, I’ll let
“Did you join the army instead of going to college?” Jessica asked.
Ryan’s warm breath puffed out in a sigh, brushing across her neck. “What makes you think I didn’t go to college? Do I sound uneducated?”
“No, of course not. I just thought, since you joined the army—”
“I happen tohave an official piece of paper in a drawer somewhere saying I graduated college.”
“In a drawer somewhere?”
“You think I should have it on my ego wall?” he teased.
“Do you have an ego wall?”
“As a matter of fact, I do.”
“What’s on it, if not your college diploma?”
He fell silent, and after a while, Jessica thought he might have fallen asleep.
“My wall has thingsthat really matter,” he finally said, his deep voice tinged with a hint of sadness. “Pictures of men I served with in special forces. Men who died.” Another pause. “I lost four men on my last mission.”
The regret and sadness in his voice tugged at her heart. “I’m sorry about your men.”
He didn’t answer, and after waiting for several minutes, she realized he wasn’t going to. “I don’tunderstand,” she said. “How is a wall of pictures an ego wall?”
He sighed again, as if realizing she wasn’t going to give up. “It reminds me not to have an ego. It reminds me that no matter how experienced or how accomplished I think I am, anything can happen. There are no guarantees.”
“I’m sorry, Ryan. Sorry you lost your friends.” An image of the explosion flashed through her mind.She squeezed her eyes shut, wishing she could block out her memories just as easily as she closed her eyes. “And I’m so sorry that I’m the reason your marshal friends died.” She rolled to her other side, facing away from him.
He wrapped her in a bear hug, shocking her as he pulled her tightly against him, spooning his body behind hers. “The explosion wasn’t your fault,” he whispered. “I nevershould have blamed you for that. I’m the one who owes you an apology. I’m sorry, Jessica.”
He reached out until he found her hand again and he entwined his fingers with hers. He gave her a gentle squeeze and held her close. For a long moment, Jessica lay there, shocked that he’d apologized and that he continued to hold her close, offering her the comfort of his arm around her waist.
Her heart nearly broke as a wave of longing crashed over her, swamping her with emotion. Not lust this time, although her desire for him was always there, simmering beneath the surface. No, this time she longed for acceptance. She longed for Ryan to care about her, to want to protect her because he liked the person she was instead of just because it was his job. She longed for a real family, likeRyan’s—brothers and sisters, a mother and a father who would love her, and never leave her.
She longed for a way to make up for all the pain she’d caused so many people because of the choices she’d made in her life. She wanted to have value. She wanted to matter to someone.
And she wanted to hear Ryan’s laugh one more time before she went to sleep.
“I know what the e stands for,”she said, her voice hesitant. She waited for his response. One heartbeat. Two.
“What does it stand for?”
Relief swept through her. “Everett,” she teased.
“Nope.”
“Elrod?”
He chuckled. “No.”
The vise around Jessica’s heart eased at the sound of his laughter. “Ernest?”
“Not even close.”
“I’ve got it. Elbert.”
“No, my middle name is not Everett. It’s notElrod, or Ernest, and it most certainly is not Elbert.”
She heard the smile in his voice and she smiled in return. “Good night, Ryan.”
“Jessica,” he said, his voice serious again. “I’m going to wake you at first light. I wish I could let you sleep longer, but we need to put some more distance between us and that gunman. Once we get a few more miles between us, I’ll let
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