The Magic Tower and Other One-Act Plays by Tennessee Williams Page B
Authors: Tennessee Williams
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Well, goodness—gracious—sakes alive! I thought you came in here to buy some socks?
YOUNG MAN : Yes, but I’ve got to sell
you
something first.
DOROTHY : Sell me what?
YOUNG MAN : A wonderful bill of goods.
DOROTHY : I’ll have to see it before I sign the order.
YOUNG MAN : That’s impossible. I can’t display my samples in this shoppe.
DOROTHY : Why not?
YOUNG MAN : They’re much too precious. You have to make an appointment.
DOROTHY [
retreating
]: Sorry. But I do all my business in here.
YOUNG MAN : Too bad for you. —In fact, too bad for us both. Maybe you’ll change your mind?
DOROTHY : I don’t think so.
YOUNG MAN : Anyway, here’s my card.
DOROTHY [
reading it, bewildered
]: —LIFE—INCORPORATED . [
Looks up slowly
.]
YOUNG MAN : Yes. I represent that line.
DOROTHY : I see. You’re a magazine salesman?
YOUNG MAN : No. It isn’t printed matter.
DOROTHY : But it’s matter, though?
YOUNG MAN : Oh, yes, and it’s matter of tremendous importance, too. But it’s neglected by people. Because of their ignorance they’ve been buying cheap substitute products. And lately a rival concern has sprung up outside the country. This firm is known as DEATH, UNLIMITED. Their product comes in a package labelled WAR. They’re crowding us out with new aggressive methods of promotion. And one of their biggest sales points is EXCITEMENT. Why does it work so well? Because you little people surround your houses and also your hearts with rows of tiresome, trivial little things like petunias! If we could substitute wild roses there wouldn’t be wars! No, there’d be excitement enough in the world
without
having wars! That’s why we’ve started this petunia-crushing campaign, Miss Simple. Life, Incorporated, has come to the realization that we have to use the same aggressive methods of promotion used by DEATH, UNLIMITED over there! We’ve got to show people that the malignantly trivial little petunias of the world can be eliminated more cleanly, permanently and completely by LIFE, INCORPORATED than by DEATH, UNLIMITED! Now what do you say, Miss Simple? Won’t you try our product?
DOROTHY [
nervously
]: Well, you see it’s like this—I do all my buying in Boston and—
YOUNG MAN : What do you buy in Boston?
DOROTHY : You can see for yourself. Look over the stock.
YOUNG MAN [
examining the shelves
]: Thimbles—threads—ladies’ needlework—white gloves—
DOROTHY : Notions. Odds and ends.
YOUNG MAN : Odds and ends—of existence?
DOROTHY : Yes, that’s it exactly.
YOUNG MAN : What do you do after hours?
DOROTHY : I carry on a lot of correspondence.
YOUNG MAN : Who with?
DOROTHY : With wholesale firms in Boston.
YOUNG MAN : How do you sign your letters?
DOROTHY : “Sincerely.” “As ever.” “Very truly yours.”
YOUNG MAN : But never with love?
DOROTHY : Love? To firms in Boston?
YOUNG MAN : I guess not. I think you ought to enlarge your correspondence. I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll meet you tonight on Highway No. 77!
DOROTHY : Oh, no! I have my correspondence!
YOUNG MAN : Delay your correspondence. Meet me there. We’ll have a couple of beers at the Starlight Casino.
DOROTHY [
with frantic evasion
]: But I don’t drink!
YOUNG MAN : Then
eat
. Swiss cheese on rye. It doesn’t matter. Afterwards I’ll take you for a ride in an open car.
DOROTHY : Where to?
YOUNG MAN : To Cypress Hill.
DOROTHY : Why, that’s the cemetery.
YOUNG MAN : Yes, I know.
DOROTHY : Why there?
YOUNG MAN : Because dead people give the best advice.
DOROTHY : Advice on what?
YOUNG MAN : The problems of the living.
DOROTHY : What advice do they give?
YOUNG MAN : Just one word:
Live!
DOROTHY : Live?
YOUNG MAN : Yes, live, live, live! It’s all they know, it’s the only word left in their vocabulary!
DOROTHY : I don’t see how— ?
YOUNG MAN : I’ll tell you how. There’s one thing in Death’s favor. It’s a wonderful process of simplification. It rids the heart of all
YOUNG MAN : Yes, but I’ve got to sell
you
something first.
DOROTHY : Sell me what?
YOUNG MAN : A wonderful bill of goods.
DOROTHY : I’ll have to see it before I sign the order.
YOUNG MAN : That’s impossible. I can’t display my samples in this shoppe.
DOROTHY : Why not?
YOUNG MAN : They’re much too precious. You have to make an appointment.
DOROTHY [
retreating
]: Sorry. But I do all my business in here.
YOUNG MAN : Too bad for you. —In fact, too bad for us both. Maybe you’ll change your mind?
DOROTHY : I don’t think so.
YOUNG MAN : Anyway, here’s my card.
DOROTHY [
reading it, bewildered
]: —LIFE—INCORPORATED . [
Looks up slowly
.]
YOUNG MAN : Yes. I represent that line.
DOROTHY : I see. You’re a magazine salesman?
YOUNG MAN : No. It isn’t printed matter.
DOROTHY : But it’s matter, though?
YOUNG MAN : Oh, yes, and it’s matter of tremendous importance, too. But it’s neglected by people. Because of their ignorance they’ve been buying cheap substitute products. And lately a rival concern has sprung up outside the country. This firm is known as DEATH, UNLIMITED. Their product comes in a package labelled WAR. They’re crowding us out with new aggressive methods of promotion. And one of their biggest sales points is EXCITEMENT. Why does it work so well? Because you little people surround your houses and also your hearts with rows of tiresome, trivial little things like petunias! If we could substitute wild roses there wouldn’t be wars! No, there’d be excitement enough in the world
without
having wars! That’s why we’ve started this petunia-crushing campaign, Miss Simple. Life, Incorporated, has come to the realization that we have to use the same aggressive methods of promotion used by DEATH, UNLIMITED over there! We’ve got to show people that the malignantly trivial little petunias of the world can be eliminated more cleanly, permanently and completely by LIFE, INCORPORATED than by DEATH, UNLIMITED! Now what do you say, Miss Simple? Won’t you try our product?
DOROTHY [
nervously
]: Well, you see it’s like this—I do all my buying in Boston and—
YOUNG MAN : What do you buy in Boston?
DOROTHY : You can see for yourself. Look over the stock.
YOUNG MAN [
examining the shelves
]: Thimbles—threads—ladies’ needlework—white gloves—
DOROTHY : Notions. Odds and ends.
YOUNG MAN : Odds and ends—of existence?
DOROTHY : Yes, that’s it exactly.
YOUNG MAN : What do you do after hours?
DOROTHY : I carry on a lot of correspondence.
YOUNG MAN : Who with?
DOROTHY : With wholesale firms in Boston.
YOUNG MAN : How do you sign your letters?
DOROTHY : “Sincerely.” “As ever.” “Very truly yours.”
YOUNG MAN : But never with love?
DOROTHY : Love? To firms in Boston?
YOUNG MAN : I guess not. I think you ought to enlarge your correspondence. I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll meet you tonight on Highway No. 77!
DOROTHY : Oh, no! I have my correspondence!
YOUNG MAN : Delay your correspondence. Meet me there. We’ll have a couple of beers at the Starlight Casino.
DOROTHY [
with frantic evasion
]: But I don’t drink!
YOUNG MAN : Then
eat
. Swiss cheese on rye. It doesn’t matter. Afterwards I’ll take you for a ride in an open car.
DOROTHY : Where to?
YOUNG MAN : To Cypress Hill.
DOROTHY : Why, that’s the cemetery.
YOUNG MAN : Yes, I know.
DOROTHY : Why there?
YOUNG MAN : Because dead people give the best advice.
DOROTHY : Advice on what?
YOUNG MAN : The problems of the living.
DOROTHY : What advice do they give?
YOUNG MAN : Just one word:
Live!
DOROTHY : Live?
YOUNG MAN : Yes, live, live, live! It’s all they know, it’s the only word left in their vocabulary!
DOROTHY : I don’t see how— ?
YOUNG MAN : I’ll tell you how. There’s one thing in Death’s favor. It’s a wonderful process of simplification. It rids the heart of all
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