not the first to publish an account of the Creation; others preceded mine by hundreds of years; indeed, Gilgamesh predates Genesis by over a millennium.
11 Gilgamesh is, of course, a work of fiction, whereas my account is history; but as literature its merits are considerable; especially when thou recalleth that its author had to write in cuneiform on soft clay tablets, and thus never knew if his latest plot twist would turn out literally half-baked.
12 So, having been a slave to the Muse since long before the Greeks blasphemously personified her, I will share with thee a few of the most valuable things I have learned about the craft of writing.
13 Write what thou knowest. Obviously, this advice is more limiting for some than others.
14 Do not wait for inspiration. For lo, I am inspiration; and I am pretty busy.
15 Grab the reader’s attention early. I learned this the hard way.
16 (“In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth”; that alone makes one want to read Genesis.
17 But “These be the words which Moses spake unto all Israel on this side of Jordan in the wilderness, in the plain over against the Red Sea, between Paran, and Tophel, and Laban, and Hazeroth, and Dizahab”; that alone makes one want to wipe thy nether regions with Deuteronomy.)
18 Bestrew thy chapters with interminable lists of the names of ancient wells. I figured this out early on, and I never looked back.
19 Publish and perish. Either that, or do not publish and perish. My point is, unless thou art me, any option involving not perishing is a non-starter.
20 And finally, write !
21 Never stop writing; it is a muscle that must constantly be exercised, even by me;
22 For after the Koran, I put down my pen, and did not attempt another work for 1,200 years; that work being The Book of Mormon; which having sold nearly 100 million copies is a huge commercial flop;
23 And far worse, reads as a preposterous, laughable, and absurd series of fairy tales;
24 Although the musical is awesome.
CHAPTER 11
1 A s the weeks of dictation wore on, and Moses failed to appear, and the Israelites remained forbidden from venturing onto Sinai; the mood amongst these festive vagrants quickly deteriorated from Woodstock-like, to Ozzfest-ish, to Altamont-esque.
2 At last the restless crowd surrounded Aaron and said, “We came here to commune with God at this rock; but lo, thou wilt not let us touch the rock; and now, we want rock.
3 Rock! Rock! Rock!
4 We want rock; we feel it in our hearts; and no stiff-necked clergyman shall forbid us from worshipping at its altar; for we are young, and angry, and rebel against thy authority.
5 Dost thou hear us, old man? ”
6 And they made to storm the mountain; so the overwhelmed Aaron placated them by gathering together their jewelry, and fashioning it into a golden calf that they could worship as a god.
7 And he made this calf; and then, to appease the crowd, he sacrificed a bull to it;
8 And then, with grief in his heart, he led a day-long prayer service for it;
9 And then—out of a pit of sadness whose depths even I could not plumb—he led a two-week orgy in its honor.
10 I saw all this and grew angry, for Moses and I had just hit our stride; we were up to about half a scroll a day, easily; the words came pouring out onto the goatskin.
11 My wrath waxed hot; and I looked down upon the Chosen People, in full bacchanal mode, uncloaked and oiled and squirming upon the sands like unto a desert skin-cobra; and told Moses I had had enough, and would smite the lot of them, so that he and I could start all over again with a people more worthy of us.
12 (I was thinking the Mayans; I liked their passion.)
13 But it was at this moment that Moses showed how arrogant of my authority he had become; for without the slightest sign of fear, in the middle of my hotwaxing, he interrupted me:
14 “You know what, God? Fuck thee.
15 Thou heardst me: Fuck . . . thee.
16 What, we’re 400, 450 years into this Chosen People thing, I just
11 Gilgamesh is, of course, a work of fiction, whereas my account is history; but as literature its merits are considerable; especially when thou recalleth that its author had to write in cuneiform on soft clay tablets, and thus never knew if his latest plot twist would turn out literally half-baked.
12 So, having been a slave to the Muse since long before the Greeks blasphemously personified her, I will share with thee a few of the most valuable things I have learned about the craft of writing.
13 Write what thou knowest. Obviously, this advice is more limiting for some than others.
14 Do not wait for inspiration. For lo, I am inspiration; and I am pretty busy.
15 Grab the reader’s attention early. I learned this the hard way.
16 (“In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth”; that alone makes one want to read Genesis.
17 But “These be the words which Moses spake unto all Israel on this side of Jordan in the wilderness, in the plain over against the Red Sea, between Paran, and Tophel, and Laban, and Hazeroth, and Dizahab”; that alone makes one want to wipe thy nether regions with Deuteronomy.)
18 Bestrew thy chapters with interminable lists of the names of ancient wells. I figured this out early on, and I never looked back.
19 Publish and perish. Either that, or do not publish and perish. My point is, unless thou art me, any option involving not perishing is a non-starter.
20 And finally, write !
21 Never stop writing; it is a muscle that must constantly be exercised, even by me;
22 For after the Koran, I put down my pen, and did not attempt another work for 1,200 years; that work being The Book of Mormon; which having sold nearly 100 million copies is a huge commercial flop;
23 And far worse, reads as a preposterous, laughable, and absurd series of fairy tales;
24 Although the musical is awesome.
CHAPTER 11
1 A s the weeks of dictation wore on, and Moses failed to appear, and the Israelites remained forbidden from venturing onto Sinai; the mood amongst these festive vagrants quickly deteriorated from Woodstock-like, to Ozzfest-ish, to Altamont-esque.
2 At last the restless crowd surrounded Aaron and said, “We came here to commune with God at this rock; but lo, thou wilt not let us touch the rock; and now, we want rock.
3 Rock! Rock! Rock!
4 We want rock; we feel it in our hearts; and no stiff-necked clergyman shall forbid us from worshipping at its altar; for we are young, and angry, and rebel against thy authority.
5 Dost thou hear us, old man? ”
6 And they made to storm the mountain; so the overwhelmed Aaron placated them by gathering together their jewelry, and fashioning it into a golden calf that they could worship as a god.
7 And he made this calf; and then, to appease the crowd, he sacrificed a bull to it;
8 And then, with grief in his heart, he led a day-long prayer service for it;
9 And then—out of a pit of sadness whose depths even I could not plumb—he led a two-week orgy in its honor.
10 I saw all this and grew angry, for Moses and I had just hit our stride; we were up to about half a scroll a day, easily; the words came pouring out onto the goatskin.
11 My wrath waxed hot; and I looked down upon the Chosen People, in full bacchanal mode, uncloaked and oiled and squirming upon the sands like unto a desert skin-cobra; and told Moses I had had enough, and would smite the lot of them, so that he and I could start all over again with a people more worthy of us.
12 (I was thinking the Mayans; I liked their passion.)
13 But it was at this moment that Moses showed how arrogant of my authority he had become; for without the slightest sign of fear, in the middle of my hotwaxing, he interrupted me:
14 “You know what, God? Fuck thee.
15 Thou heardst me: Fuck . . . thee.
16 What, we’re 400, 450 years into this Chosen People thing, I just
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