I mean, how could you do this? When are you coming back? This was supposed to be a short trip to the Grand Canyon! I don’t even know where I am!” I hope Jenny doesn’t hear this. I need to lower my voice. I sit on the edge of the bed, run my fingers along the lines between the quilted squares.
“Remember when we were in the Luxor? In Vegas? The place with the pyramid?”
“Of course I remember. What, I’ve been suddenly struck with amnesia?”
“Tess, something happened there. Surrounded by all those big sarcophagi, King Tut, whatever.”
“King Tut in a hotel.”
“A pyramid is a burial place .”
“I know that.”
“It hit me. I was standing there, and the whole year, it caught up with me. We’re in this burial place, and I’m thinking life, death, the fucking timeless shitty deal of it, and I’m lost. Suddenly fucking lost .”
“It was a casino , Dad. You had a crisis in a casino .”
“I tried to be okay, you know? We went on that roller coaster after? But it all felt pointless. I met your mom when I was twenty-one. I don’t have a shirt in my closet she hasn’t picked out.”
“You’ve got that Bob Dylan T-shirt you bought at the concert. You’ve got Goofy playing golf from when we took thattrip to Disneyland. You totally picked it out yourself. Mom would never buy Goofy. We weren’t even in the store with you.”
I don’t have the patience for his dramatics. Couldn’t he have told me any of this at the time? Couldn’t we have discussed it over a slab of prime rib? Because, I’m sorry, he had both hands in the air on that roller coaster. He was shouting Yeah, baby! He bought the picture they took of the two of us in the front car, me clutching the bar looking like I might puke and him with his raised arms and wild-eyed joy.
Now I pace the floor; I trace the perimeter of the rug with my steps, heel to toe, heel to toe, all around the rug and back again. I don’t understand where he’s going with this, honestly.
But then he tells me.
“I realize . . . It’s nothing. It’s all pointless and meaningless without love.”
I think of Cat-Hair Mary. Life’s pointless and meaningless without someone to take care of you, more like it. In my heart of hearts, I don’t believe this is about a crisis of faith or love or loss. I think it’s about other things, like being a man, things I don’t understand, needing sex, or some kind of physical comfort in the moment, even. “I want you to tell me the truth. Was this the plan all along? You’d get me to go away for a few days, and then we’d keep going until you got to Portland? How long have you been having the Classmates Reunion with old Mary? Because this is disgusting.”
“No,” he says.
“No, what?”
“No, this wasn’t the plan all along.”
I don’t press for an answer about how long he and Mary have been communicating. I’m afraid to know.
“When are you coming back? I can’t stay here forever. Meg has a job waiting for me at the day care where she works.” This isn’t exactly true. Meg has mentioned it only once, and I have no intention of taking that job. Meg is great with those kids. She loves every sticky, grape juice minute there, but I’d hate it. That sounds bad. Who hates being with toddlers? But I wouldn’t be able to keep up the cutesy, high-pitched persona they require. Ten minutes would drive me to drink, and beer and graham crackers would get me fired for sure.
“Just give me a few weeks. I need to sort some things out.”
“A few weeks ? Now it’s a few weeks ?”
“Tess, come on.”
“Come on, what? You can’t just ditch me like this! You’re supposed to be here for me, Dad. You’re the parent. Even if you’re confused and hurting, you’re supposed to be here for me when I’m confused and hurting.”
“It’s the airplane thing, Tess. You know the airplane thing? I can’t put the oxygen mask on you unless I put the oxygen mask on me first.”
“That is such bullshit,
“Remember when we were in the Luxor? In Vegas? The place with the pyramid?”
“Of course I remember. What, I’ve been suddenly struck with amnesia?”
“Tess, something happened there. Surrounded by all those big sarcophagi, King Tut, whatever.”
“King Tut in a hotel.”
“A pyramid is a burial place .”
“I know that.”
“It hit me. I was standing there, and the whole year, it caught up with me. We’re in this burial place, and I’m thinking life, death, the fucking timeless shitty deal of it, and I’m lost. Suddenly fucking lost .”
“It was a casino , Dad. You had a crisis in a casino .”
“I tried to be okay, you know? We went on that roller coaster after? But it all felt pointless. I met your mom when I was twenty-one. I don’t have a shirt in my closet she hasn’t picked out.”
“You’ve got that Bob Dylan T-shirt you bought at the concert. You’ve got Goofy playing golf from when we took thattrip to Disneyland. You totally picked it out yourself. Mom would never buy Goofy. We weren’t even in the store with you.”
I don’t have the patience for his dramatics. Couldn’t he have told me any of this at the time? Couldn’t we have discussed it over a slab of prime rib? Because, I’m sorry, he had both hands in the air on that roller coaster. He was shouting Yeah, baby! He bought the picture they took of the two of us in the front car, me clutching the bar looking like I might puke and him with his raised arms and wild-eyed joy.
Now I pace the floor; I trace the perimeter of the rug with my steps, heel to toe, heel to toe, all around the rug and back again. I don’t understand where he’s going with this, honestly.
But then he tells me.
“I realize . . . It’s nothing. It’s all pointless and meaningless without love.”
I think of Cat-Hair Mary. Life’s pointless and meaningless without someone to take care of you, more like it. In my heart of hearts, I don’t believe this is about a crisis of faith or love or loss. I think it’s about other things, like being a man, things I don’t understand, needing sex, or some kind of physical comfort in the moment, even. “I want you to tell me the truth. Was this the plan all along? You’d get me to go away for a few days, and then we’d keep going until you got to Portland? How long have you been having the Classmates Reunion with old Mary? Because this is disgusting.”
“No,” he says.
“No, what?”
“No, this wasn’t the plan all along.”
I don’t press for an answer about how long he and Mary have been communicating. I’m afraid to know.
“When are you coming back? I can’t stay here forever. Meg has a job waiting for me at the day care where she works.” This isn’t exactly true. Meg has mentioned it only once, and I have no intention of taking that job. Meg is great with those kids. She loves every sticky, grape juice minute there, but I’d hate it. That sounds bad. Who hates being with toddlers? But I wouldn’t be able to keep up the cutesy, high-pitched persona they require. Ten minutes would drive me to drink, and beer and graham crackers would get me fired for sure.
“Just give me a few weeks. I need to sort some things out.”
“A few weeks ? Now it’s a few weeks ?”
“Tess, come on.”
“Come on, what? You can’t just ditch me like this! You’re supposed to be here for me, Dad. You’re the parent. Even if you’re confused and hurting, you’re supposed to be here for me when I’m confused and hurting.”
“It’s the airplane thing, Tess. You know the airplane thing? I can’t put the oxygen mask on you unless I put the oxygen mask on me first.”
“That is such bullshit,
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