from my heart, but even Jed’s name reminded me of Jared’s, so it was impossible. We managed to stay married two years, but when his job transferred him to California, neither of us was too upset when I decided not to go. We quietly parted ways. It should be more complicated and emotional than that, but it wasn’t, which is probably even sadder in itself.
I never did get my driver’s license. I’m still petrified. Jed tolerated me because he only had to drive me to the bus stop. Now, I rely on my mother to carpool in the mornings. My dad refuses to drive me anywhere still, refusing to “enable” me. My mom seems to sympathize with me, or maybe she just doesn’t want me on the road, since I killed her mother.
That haunts my every single day.
I had Jared Beckett in the palm of my hand, but I let him slip through my fingers. I didn’t even have to do anything to lose him because that’s just it, I didn’t do anything. I stupidly failed to close my hand to keep him from blowing away. That is the saddest part of it all. I let him go before I even let him in. I have to live with that regret and it pesters me nearly every damn day. The more I try to cover up the pain, the worse it feels and the memories burn brighter the harder I try to forget them. What was wrong with me? Why did he tease me like he did? If he wanted to go out with me, then why didn’t we? Why did he have to touch me every time he saw me if I repulsed him so much? I had so many questions that still remain unanswered.
In hindsight, I was so stupid and I should’ve done things differently, but all the could haves and should haves can’t go back and change how he did nothing. How I did nothing. He’s my what could’ve been . But it’s more like he’s my what never will be .
I feel like I’m forever running from my memories and regrets, only to have them find me wherever I go, showing their ugly faces, and loudly taunting me. I need some kind of change. I just wanted to make peace with my past and live in the present without fearing an empty future. I was using this summer to help my mom, keeping my mind off my failed marriage, and to hopelessly ease my guilt of taking her mother forever.
Until Jared showed up.
At my mom’s construction, I had overheard Adam mentioning to Jared about going to the races. I wanted to go because even though he’s hurt me once again, I can’t stay away from him. I’ve always been undeniably drawn to him. He’s not wearing a wedding ring, but since he’s an engineer and is doing construction for my mother, it’s only logical that he wouldn’t be wearing one. I found out for sure from my mom that he isn’t married, which is a relief. I just don’t know if he’s dating anyone.
When I got to Spa Creek Bridge, I didn’t see him or his dad. However, I did see an old friend of mine: Dash Calder. We met at Bowie State University in an early elementary education class we had together. From there, we found out we had gone to the same high school together. He was just a year ahead of me. With Jared. I didn’t ask Dash if he knew Jared because I thought it really didn’t matter anyway. Jared was gone. Why torture myself with stories about him living his life and having a great time doing it?
Dash and I became well acquainted due to taking the same classes. We even partnered up often for class projects. Dash isn’t just a baby face. He’s such a sweet person, very friendly to everybody, willing to help anyone, and he always had admirers around him. We’ve stayed in touch by email and I’ve seen him around Annapolis a few times over the years through our schools’ interactions.
Standing here now, looking up at Jared almost 12 years later, is something I never thought would happen. Aside from this past week, I feel like we’re just seeing each other for the first time since that day he left me without saying goodbye.
“Jericho, this is Kat Merrick.” Jericho?
I wait for Jared to say something, but
I never did get my driver’s license. I’m still petrified. Jed tolerated me because he only had to drive me to the bus stop. Now, I rely on my mother to carpool in the mornings. My dad refuses to drive me anywhere still, refusing to “enable” me. My mom seems to sympathize with me, or maybe she just doesn’t want me on the road, since I killed her mother.
That haunts my every single day.
I had Jared Beckett in the palm of my hand, but I let him slip through my fingers. I didn’t even have to do anything to lose him because that’s just it, I didn’t do anything. I stupidly failed to close my hand to keep him from blowing away. That is the saddest part of it all. I let him go before I even let him in. I have to live with that regret and it pesters me nearly every damn day. The more I try to cover up the pain, the worse it feels and the memories burn brighter the harder I try to forget them. What was wrong with me? Why did he tease me like he did? If he wanted to go out with me, then why didn’t we? Why did he have to touch me every time he saw me if I repulsed him so much? I had so many questions that still remain unanswered.
In hindsight, I was so stupid and I should’ve done things differently, but all the could haves and should haves can’t go back and change how he did nothing. How I did nothing. He’s my what could’ve been . But it’s more like he’s my what never will be .
I feel like I’m forever running from my memories and regrets, only to have them find me wherever I go, showing their ugly faces, and loudly taunting me. I need some kind of change. I just wanted to make peace with my past and live in the present without fearing an empty future. I was using this summer to help my mom, keeping my mind off my failed marriage, and to hopelessly ease my guilt of taking her mother forever.
Until Jared showed up.
At my mom’s construction, I had overheard Adam mentioning to Jared about going to the races. I wanted to go because even though he’s hurt me once again, I can’t stay away from him. I’ve always been undeniably drawn to him. He’s not wearing a wedding ring, but since he’s an engineer and is doing construction for my mother, it’s only logical that he wouldn’t be wearing one. I found out for sure from my mom that he isn’t married, which is a relief. I just don’t know if he’s dating anyone.
When I got to Spa Creek Bridge, I didn’t see him or his dad. However, I did see an old friend of mine: Dash Calder. We met at Bowie State University in an early elementary education class we had together. From there, we found out we had gone to the same high school together. He was just a year ahead of me. With Jared. I didn’t ask Dash if he knew Jared because I thought it really didn’t matter anyway. Jared was gone. Why torture myself with stories about him living his life and having a great time doing it?
Dash and I became well acquainted due to taking the same classes. We even partnered up often for class projects. Dash isn’t just a baby face. He’s such a sweet person, very friendly to everybody, willing to help anyone, and he always had admirers around him. We’ve stayed in touch by email and I’ve seen him around Annapolis a few times over the years through our schools’ interactions.
Standing here now, looking up at Jared almost 12 years later, is something I never thought would happen. Aside from this past week, I feel like we’re just seeing each other for the first time since that day he left me without saying goodbye.
“Jericho, this is Kat Merrick.” Jericho?
I wait for Jared to say something, but
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