nullify everything!" he shouted angrily, and with that Pegeen, the mightier of the two, opened the door.
At last she spoke, sobbing. "I tried to be perfect for you."
"What the hell does that mean? Was it ever a matter of being perfect? 'Don't pull away from me. I love this, and I don't want it to stop.' I was idiot enough to believe what you said. I was idiot enough to think you were doing what you wanted to do."
"It was what I wanted to do. I wanted so much to see if I could do it."
"So it was an experiment, right down to the end. Another adventure for Pegeen Mikeâlike picking up a pitcher on a softball team."
"I can't be a substitute for your acting anymore."
"Oh, don't pull that! That's disgusting!"
"But it's true! I'm what you have instead of that! I'm supposed to make up for that!"
"That's the most ludicrous bullshit I've ever heard. And you know it. Go, Pegeen! If that's your vindication, go! 'We took the risk.'
I
took the risk! You just said whatever you thought I wanted to hear so that you could get what you wanted as long as you wanted it."
"I did no such thing!" she cried.
"It's Tracy, isn't it?"
"What is?"
"You're dumping me for Tracy!"
"I'm not, Simon! No!"
"You're not leaving me because I don't have a job! You're leaving me for that girl! You're going to that girl!"
"Where I go is my business. Oh, just
let
me go!"
"Who's holding you back? Not me! Never!" He pointed at the duffle bag into which she had crammed all the new clothes of hers that had been hanging in his closets and folded in his bureau drawers. "Pack your sex toys?" he asked. "Remember your harness?"
She did not answer, but the emotion flashing through her was hatred, or so he understood the look in her eyes.
"Yes," he said, "take the tools of your trade and go. Now your parents can sleep at nightâyou're no longer with an old man. Now there's no interloper between you and your father. You're unburdened of your impediment. No more admonitions from home. Safely returned to your original position. Good. Go on to the next one. I never had the strength for you anyway."
A man's way is laid with a multitude of traps, and Pegeen had been the last. He'd stepped hungrily into it and taken the bait like the most craven captive on earth. There was no other way for it to wind
up, and yet he was the last to find out. Improbable? No, predictable. Abandoned after so long? Clearly not so long for her as for him. Everything enchanting about her was gone, and in the time it had taken her to say "This is the end," he was condemned to his hole with the six sticks, alone and emptied of the desire to live.
She left in her car, and the process of collapse took less than five minutes, a collapse from a fall brought on himself and from which there was now no recovery.
H E WENT UP to the attic and sat there for a whole day and well into the night, preparing to pull the trigger of his shotgun and intermittently ready to rush down the stairs and wake Jerry Oppenheim at home, ready to call Hammerton and speak to his doctor, ready to dial 911.
And at a dozen different moments throughout the day, ready to call Lansing and tell Asa what a treacherous son of a bitch he was to have turned Pegeen against him. That was how it had happened, he was sure. Pegeen had been right all along to want to keep the news of their affair from her
family. "Because they've known you so long," she'd explained to him when he'd asked why she preferred to keep him a secret. "Because you're all the same age." Had he made the trip to Michigan when he first suggested to Pegeen his going out there to talk to Asa, he might perhaps have had a chance to win. But to phone Asa now would accomplish nothing. Pegeen was gone. Gone to Tracy. Gone to Lara. Gone to the pitcher with the ponytail. Wherever she was, he no longer had to worry about the genetic hazards of being an aging father with testicular cells that had already divided well over eight hundred times.
By dinnertime he could
At last she spoke, sobbing. "I tried to be perfect for you."
"What the hell does that mean? Was it ever a matter of being perfect? 'Don't pull away from me. I love this, and I don't want it to stop.' I was idiot enough to believe what you said. I was idiot enough to think you were doing what you wanted to do."
"It was what I wanted to do. I wanted so much to see if I could do it."
"So it was an experiment, right down to the end. Another adventure for Pegeen Mikeâlike picking up a pitcher on a softball team."
"I can't be a substitute for your acting anymore."
"Oh, don't pull that! That's disgusting!"
"But it's true! I'm what you have instead of that! I'm supposed to make up for that!"
"That's the most ludicrous bullshit I've ever heard. And you know it. Go, Pegeen! If that's your vindication, go! 'We took the risk.'
I
took the risk! You just said whatever you thought I wanted to hear so that you could get what you wanted as long as you wanted it."
"I did no such thing!" she cried.
"It's Tracy, isn't it?"
"What is?"
"You're dumping me for Tracy!"
"I'm not, Simon! No!"
"You're not leaving me because I don't have a job! You're leaving me for that girl! You're going to that girl!"
"Where I go is my business. Oh, just
let
me go!"
"Who's holding you back? Not me! Never!" He pointed at the duffle bag into which she had crammed all the new clothes of hers that had been hanging in his closets and folded in his bureau drawers. "Pack your sex toys?" he asked. "Remember your harness?"
She did not answer, but the emotion flashing through her was hatred, or so he understood the look in her eyes.
"Yes," he said, "take the tools of your trade and go. Now your parents can sleep at nightâyou're no longer with an old man. Now there's no interloper between you and your father. You're unburdened of your impediment. No more admonitions from home. Safely returned to your original position. Good. Go on to the next one. I never had the strength for you anyway."
A man's way is laid with a multitude of traps, and Pegeen had been the last. He'd stepped hungrily into it and taken the bait like the most craven captive on earth. There was no other way for it to wind
up, and yet he was the last to find out. Improbable? No, predictable. Abandoned after so long? Clearly not so long for her as for him. Everything enchanting about her was gone, and in the time it had taken her to say "This is the end," he was condemned to his hole with the six sticks, alone and emptied of the desire to live.
She left in her car, and the process of collapse took less than five minutes, a collapse from a fall brought on himself and from which there was now no recovery.
H E WENT UP to the attic and sat there for a whole day and well into the night, preparing to pull the trigger of his shotgun and intermittently ready to rush down the stairs and wake Jerry Oppenheim at home, ready to call Hammerton and speak to his doctor, ready to dial 911.
And at a dozen different moments throughout the day, ready to call Lansing and tell Asa what a treacherous son of a bitch he was to have turned Pegeen against him. That was how it had happened, he was sure. Pegeen had been right all along to want to keep the news of their affair from her
family. "Because they've known you so long," she'd explained to him when he'd asked why she preferred to keep him a secret. "Because you're all the same age." Had he made the trip to Michigan when he first suggested to Pegeen his going out there to talk to Asa, he might perhaps have had a chance to win. But to phone Asa now would accomplish nothing. Pegeen was gone. Gone to Tracy. Gone to Lara. Gone to the pitcher with the ponytail. Wherever she was, he no longer had to worry about the genetic hazards of being an aging father with testicular cells that had already divided well over eight hundred times.
By dinnertime he could
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