The Housewife Assassin's Killer Christmas Tips by Josie Brown Page A

capitalist?”
    “Yes. It’s a private holiday party he puts on every year, for a close set of friends.”
    “How did we rate an invitation?”
    “A special friend of Acme put you on the guest list.” Ryan’s face turns a soft shade of pink. “But this isn’t some fun in the sun excursion. You’ll have to be open to a little—well, let’s just call it role playing.”
    I glance over at Jack. “I don’t get it.”
    Jack shrugs. “Greg and his wife, Persephone, are notorious swingers.”
    Ah. Now I get it.
    “He only invites those who are into” —Ryan gives a deep cough—“his bondage club.”
    In the silence that follows, Ryan’s face darkens to the shade of a ripe tomato.
    Jack may not give a damn, but I feel I should say something before the poor guy passes out. “What does this have to do with the missing MANPAD?”
    “Lardner’s company is the lead investor in Sapphire Cruises,” Ryan explains. “Not only does the party give him a chance to play rough, it showcases the ship to potential passengers and investors, and it provides Lardner with a write-off for his sex parties. And now it also allows him to bring the MANPAD into a US port without going through the usual customs search.”
    I nod. “I take it then, Lardner is involved with the Quorum?”
    Finally, Jack turns to address me. “Donna, Lardner is one of the Quorum’s money men. Emma cracked one of the files on Jonah Breck’s hard drive with his name on it, along with records proving his role in the funding of Quorum terrorist acts. Apparently, Breck’s death left a vacancy on the Quorum’s controlling board of thirteen. Lardner is one of three Quorum members vying for the position. Getting the MANPAD through port security will get him the votes he needs to get on the board.”
    “Do we know the other two contestants, or for that matter, the other twelve board members?”
    Ryan shakes his head. “We’re working on it. But at the same time, we’ve got to stop the Quorum from taking down a plane. If our government folds to the Quorum’s blackmail demands, who knows what they’ll ask for next time?”
    He’s got a point. And there is always a next time.
    “The ship is one of the smaller ones owned by Sapphire,” Ryan says. “It’s called the Good Ship Lollipop.”
    He can barely say this with a straight face.
    He clears his throat, then continues, “There are fifty couples onboard. Everyone goes under assumed names. During their—well, for lack of a better word for it, ‘rendezvous’—Venetian masks are worn. Whomever Lardner chooses to partner up with for the evening will have access to his suite. It’s the only area within the ship in which Acme’s micro-drone surveillance hasn’t cleared, and that our AIT—advanced imaging technology—has not been able to penetrate, so it’s got to be in there.”
    I nod. “Do you presume it’s under his bunk?”
    “You should be so lucky if all he has in there is a bunk bed,” Jack mutters under his breath.
    He’s still pouting. Well, that’s too bad. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
    “Let me put it this way. If you thought Breck was sadistic, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Don’t be surprised if Lardner doesn’t respond to your ‘safety word.’”
    Super duper. Why do I always get the sickos?
    “But don’t worry,” Ryan says soothingly. “You’ll be mic’ed. That way if something goes wrong, Jack will be right there for you.”
    A sudden coughing jag has Jack doubled up.
    Okay, I get it. That’s his way of telling me I’ll deserve whatever I get.
    I can’t wait to get out of Ryan’s office.
    On my way out the door, Arnie hands back the kids’ presents. “These iPads and the Furby are as clean as a whistle.”
    “Wow. Are you sure about that?”
    The look he shoots me reminds me of Lassie, when I’ve taken away her favorite bone. “Okay, okay, sorry if I insulted you. I just—you know, I had to make sure.”
    “Make sure of what?”
    My spine