The Haunted Storm by Philip Pullman Page B

why? Do you? It’s because you’re too human, that’s why it is! Too beautiful! No, no, no, I don’t say what I think; because I don’t know what I think, because I am not human enough. I daren’t look you in the face because my heart would turn to flesh if I did, and break… Now, you see, I can feel it – you’ve gone cold – was it true then, what you said, that you don’t care a straw what I do?”
    She was astonished by the speed of the complete change that now came over him. He was staring fixedly into her eyes as if he’d never said anything at all about not being able to; “he must be half-mad,” she thought. And in place of the fearful, naked look of anguish that had twisted his features a second ago, he now wore a light, free, almost joyous expression that was strangely innocent.
    She nodded.
    “It doesn’t matter a bit,” she said. “I told you it doesn’t. And I think I can see why it is that you – whatever it is, torture yourself, if you like; and why you’ve changed suddenly, why you’re smiling now as if nothing had happened. Yes, I know; it’s because what you get agonised about, like now, is only on the surface; it just doesn’t go deep enough to last. Truly, honestly, you couldn’t care less about it; but you don’t like to say so, and so you act, you overact; but your mind’s not on it and after a minute you’ve forgotten it again. Isn’t that so? Isn’t that true about you?”
    “Yes,” he said.
    “And so that’s why I don’t care about it.”
    He was silent for a moment, hoping with all his might that she wouldn’t suddenly disappear again; and he felt bitterly ashamed of this cold charlatanry she had just unmasked. Well, he’d better tell her so, and set about clearing his name!
    “I’m sorry I’m like that, I genuinely am; I had no idea it was so obvious – but that’s not an excuse – I don’t know – I’m ashamed of it. Should I be more open? Should I have more human feelings? I admitted it, though, I said I’m not human enough – oh, but Elizabeth, I’m sick of these human feelings! That’s why I changed just then, you see! It was because I felt you go cold, as if you were contemptuous; and my mood changed because it delighted me that you should feel contemptuous – because I did, too! I hate myself like that – I was saying that I didn’t know, I couldn’t see, I was lost – weak things! I should be strong enough to see and to know. And underneath the charlatan, the actor, I’m constantly working on myself like a madman to make myself strong enough –”
    “Stop! For God’s sake shut up ! Because you don’t believe that either! And it’s not the point anyway.”
    Her voice shook; she held up her hand to stop him interrupting.
    “Oh, Matthew, it’s not the point,” she went on. “I know about that – of course I know about it, because I can see straight into your eyes – I knew about it on the beach. I swear I did! Why am I saying all this now? Why is it me who’s talking? I don’t know; I’m just trying to show you what’s obvious…”
    “Yes,” he said, “I know! It is obvious; oh God, let me for once accept it, please, accept the truth… all right, Elizabeth, the truth is this, and I swear I will accept it – that my soul – and your soul – however it’s come about – that we have, somehow, we have one soul between us! And maybe it’ll turn out that now we’ve found each other we’ll be complete, we’ll be human, we’ll be happy, and we’ll forget about these other things – your matter and spirit, and my morality, as you called it – they’ll just lose their urgency, and die, and be buried, and we’ll – grow up. That’s malice, and envy; that’s the charlatan speaking, that last bit. I know you know it is, so I don’t worry. I’m double, Elizabeth, I’m sorry, I’m a mocking ghost as well as – me, whatever my soul is, my central part.”
    She was looking at him with what he could only think of as