The Haters by Jesse Andrews

i was lying there in the tub?
    COREY: first we moved you out of the tub and onto the floor because we were worried you would fall in and drown
    WES: hmm
    COREY: you were in like a coma or something
    WES: and then you guys, uh
    COREY: yeah
    WES: well uh
    COREY:
    WES: well . . . good job?
    COREY:
    WES:
    COREY: are you mad
    What I was thinking was, Look. I know I’m no prize. I’m somewhat walleyed. I have dumb floppy hair and no visible muscles of any kind. In general I look like I’m twelve and probably will for the next two decades. The list goes on and on. But
Corey
?Corey has one of those heads where the back of it extends an unnaturally long distance, like a dinosaur’s. His breath always smells like a corpse. Speaking of corpses, his hands and feet are frequently cold and purple, from terrible circulation, which I guess you shouldn’t hold against him, but I’m just saying. Also, if I look like I’m twelve, he basically
is
twelve, like psychologically.
    WES,
lying
: no i’m not mad
    COREY: okay
    WES:
    COREY: well thanks
    WES: thanks for what
    COREY: thanks for being cool about this
    WES: sure
    COREY:
    WES:
    COREY: i have to say you do seem a little bit mad
    It was just, we had a ninety-ninth-percentile girl on our hands, in pretty much every respect, the smartest, sexiest, most interesting girl we were definitely ever going to meet,
and
it turned out she had a totally bizarre and crazily permissive taste in dudes and was willing to hook up with a completely subpar dude, a dude flailing around in the forties or thirties, in terms of percentile of dude, which meant
I maybe had a chance
with a girl like Ash. But because Corey had blundered in there first, now there was definitely no chance at all and an opportunity like this was never going to happen again. So actually I was suicidal with rage.
    WES: yeah i’m a little bit mad
    COREY: yeah i could tell
    WES: i mean i’m mad because it’s gonna make things weird for the band now if you keep hooking up, because this band is now gonna feel like it’s a married couple on tour with this third random dude, i.e., me
    COREY:
    WES: but it’ll also be weird if you
stop
hooking up, because then you guys will probably start fighting or getting mad at each other
    COREY: oh
    WES: so yeah it feels like something that’ll fuck up the band no matter what and i’m a little mad about that
    COREY: i figured you were mad because you wanted to hook up with her
    It was like this. Have you ever suddenly realized that someone older than you, whom you’ve always assumed is smart, because they’re in a position of authority, actually isn’t very smart? Like you’re getting nachos at a Pirates game with your Uncle Bill and he tries to pay with exact change and he keeps getting it wrong? Even after the cashier has explained it to him? Until finally the huge dude behind you guys has to physically take the right change out of Uncle Bill’s hand? And you’re standing there feeling embarrassed for Uncle Bill but even more for yourself and you just want to get out of there?
    Okay. Now imagine having that feeling about the entire universe. Like God and everything. That is what I felt like whenI found out that Ash had decided to hook up with my idiot best friend. There was a God who was in charge, and He was just way dumber than you had ever even suspected.
    COREY: i mean i’m just saying
    WES: fucking drop it
    COREY: okay
    WES: jesus
    COREY: i knew you weren’t gonna be cool about this
    WES:
i’m
not being cool?!
    COREY: yeah you’re freaking out
    WES: you’re the one insisting on talking about it right now like a big freckly tampon
    COREY: i’m just being honest with you
    WES: i’m also being honest when i tell you that you’re being a gummy wad of used horse condoms at this time so please shut up
    COREY: i knew you’d be mad
    WES: yeah i’m fucking mad because you did some typical