scared he fell flat on his face.” I let out a giggle thinking about other people having the same reaction to the Gabriel that sat mere inches from me.
Did I just fuckin’ giggle? What the fuck? Whatever.
“When Gabriel met Zacharias, his first words are ‘Do not be afraid.’ But people didn’t realize that every time Gabriel appeared in the Bible, he was bearing some kind of amazing news. The baby Mary was carrying, announcing the birth of John the Baptist, he announced to Daniel the prophecy of seven weeks. I’ve had so much bad news in my life, I needed the man of God on me. I needed his protection. I needed him looking over me, because no one else could.” Annoying fucking tears welled in my eyes and I slapped at them because I was sick of being weak and pathetic. Only this time, rather than crying from pain or from the fucking memories that continually haunted me, I was crying to listen to the words that fell from my mouth. “Maybe by having him permanently marked on my skin, I’ll hear some good news for once.”
I wasn’t sure why I chose to share that with him; but for the first time in years the voices were docile. I knew I hadn’t won - they would never allow that - but for fuck’s sake the peace and quiet was so nice. So fucking nice that I kept talking, not caring if he still listened. Looking back, I don’t think it was really to him that I was confessing – I was confessing to myself.
“So you see, Gabriel, my angel is my protection. Just kind of ironic that now Gabriel has taken on such a different meaning to me.”
A quick chuckle broke free of my lips and, with that, I shut up. I refused to give him anymore than I already had. I couldn’t give him anymore of me because I’d already given him too much. Anything more, and I’d have nothing left to keep to myself.
“So why not make your own good news?”
I must have looked at him like he was an idiot because his eyes narrowed from my expression.
“Okay, we’ll do it your way. I’ve got great news, Gabriel, in about ten minutes, I’m going to escape your place and run away to my home where I’ll no longer be captive. What do you think about that?”
He placed a plate in front of me with two slices of peanut butter toast. I didn’t engage him or say anything else as I waited for his response.
“Keep talking like that and I’ll have to tie you down again. I thought we were finally working this thing out between us. I say ‘jump’ – you say ‘how high’.”
I didn’t react to the angry growl in his voice. He wanted that – wanted my fear - and I was still holding onto just the tiniest bit of my stubborn ass behavior. Instead of responding, I turned my attention to the simple but delicious snack in front of me. I would never admit it, but I could live on peanut butter toast and milk. It’d been a favorite of mine since childhood. I didn’t want to overstep him, or push my already churning stomach, but I wanted milk.
“Do you have any milk?” I asked with a whisper. But he heard me, despite the quiet hush of my voice. He was hanging off of every word that I spoke.
“Would you like some, Eleni?” He was mocking me, making me beg him for every single favor he paid me. He was making it obvious that he held the upper hand, but he was doing it in a way that was non-threatening. In an odd way, he was adding humor to a painful situation. I could appreciate him for providing levity to the nightmare I was living.
Nodding in reply, a tame smile spread over my face. He shouldn’t make me smile. He shouldn’t make me happy, but right now, his sarcasm was awakening a small fraction of happiness inside me. Sadly, it was the only time I’d felt that for as long as I could remember. Even if he wanted to throw my shitty life in my face, and even if he wanted to stir up the demons that had eaten me alive for a decade, I appreciated the conversation we were having. It was good to finally release some of the nightmares inside me
Did I just fuckin’ giggle? What the fuck? Whatever.
“When Gabriel met Zacharias, his first words are ‘Do not be afraid.’ But people didn’t realize that every time Gabriel appeared in the Bible, he was bearing some kind of amazing news. The baby Mary was carrying, announcing the birth of John the Baptist, he announced to Daniel the prophecy of seven weeks. I’ve had so much bad news in my life, I needed the man of God on me. I needed his protection. I needed him looking over me, because no one else could.” Annoying fucking tears welled in my eyes and I slapped at them because I was sick of being weak and pathetic. Only this time, rather than crying from pain or from the fucking memories that continually haunted me, I was crying to listen to the words that fell from my mouth. “Maybe by having him permanently marked on my skin, I’ll hear some good news for once.”
I wasn’t sure why I chose to share that with him; but for the first time in years the voices were docile. I knew I hadn’t won - they would never allow that - but for fuck’s sake the peace and quiet was so nice. So fucking nice that I kept talking, not caring if he still listened. Looking back, I don’t think it was really to him that I was confessing – I was confessing to myself.
“So you see, Gabriel, my angel is my protection. Just kind of ironic that now Gabriel has taken on such a different meaning to me.”
A quick chuckle broke free of my lips and, with that, I shut up. I refused to give him anymore than I already had. I couldn’t give him anymore of me because I’d already given him too much. Anything more, and I’d have nothing left to keep to myself.
“So why not make your own good news?”
I must have looked at him like he was an idiot because his eyes narrowed from my expression.
“Okay, we’ll do it your way. I’ve got great news, Gabriel, in about ten minutes, I’m going to escape your place and run away to my home where I’ll no longer be captive. What do you think about that?”
He placed a plate in front of me with two slices of peanut butter toast. I didn’t engage him or say anything else as I waited for his response.
“Keep talking like that and I’ll have to tie you down again. I thought we were finally working this thing out between us. I say ‘jump’ – you say ‘how high’.”
I didn’t react to the angry growl in his voice. He wanted that – wanted my fear - and I was still holding onto just the tiniest bit of my stubborn ass behavior. Instead of responding, I turned my attention to the simple but delicious snack in front of me. I would never admit it, but I could live on peanut butter toast and milk. It’d been a favorite of mine since childhood. I didn’t want to overstep him, or push my already churning stomach, but I wanted milk.
“Do you have any milk?” I asked with a whisper. But he heard me, despite the quiet hush of my voice. He was hanging off of every word that I spoke.
“Would you like some, Eleni?” He was mocking me, making me beg him for every single favor he paid me. He was making it obvious that he held the upper hand, but he was doing it in a way that was non-threatening. In an odd way, he was adding humor to a painful situation. I could appreciate him for providing levity to the nightmare I was living.
Nodding in reply, a tame smile spread over my face. He shouldn’t make me smile. He shouldn’t make me happy, but right now, his sarcasm was awakening a small fraction of happiness inside me. Sadly, it was the only time I’d felt that for as long as I could remember. Even if he wanted to throw my shitty life in my face, and even if he wanted to stir up the demons that had eaten me alive for a decade, I appreciated the conversation we were having. It was good to finally release some of the nightmares inside me
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