moustaches, riding on a small horse and holding out a book at the end of a bending stick to two bowing figures on the other side of a purple river: all that could be transmitted to those left behind from his onward-moving life. In the place of the lancesand swords hung fans and peacocks’ tails. The ponderous old furniture was replaced by slender and shiny lacquered items, including some whose purpose was incomprehensible to me. One would have to acquire a different bearing and different attitudes to be able to live with them.
Instead of rejoicing that the old world, which had brought nothing but disaster and sadness, had vanished so completely and permanently, I was flooded by an overwhelming melancholy, like the sea flooding a sinking ship, like a second shipwreck.
Only the bed was the same; I could swear to that, and I lay there on it as if on an island, the only survivor of an all-engulfing deluge.
Then, with a shiver, I became aware of my nakedness . I saw clothes lying in front of the bed, hauled them ashore and put them on. They hung about me in wide folds. It was a uniform; the decorations that I had hoped to win before my departure had been attached to the sleeves and shoulders. Was this a mockery? The rough lining chafed my hurt and irritated skin: this robe humiliated me more than anything I could remember; I threw it off in a fury. Rather than wear this I would stay naked all my life. All my life, would that be so much longer? But there was more lying in front of the bed—food. I devoured it. I grabbed for the jug, thinking theremight be a few dregs at the bottom, and found myself drinking fresh water.
On the ground there was another item of clothing, a long, wide garment. I put it on and found it tolerable, though I became almost a stranger to myself. Still I kept it on, but lowered myself out of the window to come to myself again in the wood. The plant world at least had not become totally alien.
But now I was beset by heavy unknown perfumes, and kept stumbling over treacherous roots, impeded by the long garment. I wanted to rest, hidden among the trees, but now it was no longer autumn, and it was hot; I sought the shade, but the leaves were smoky hot, the earth seemed to be heated from within and was alive, with armies of ants advancing from all sides, big red ants that bit, while spiders lowered themselves from the branches and the buzzing of the mosquitoes resumed. I fled, running to where there was a clearing, and was suddenly back in front of the gate, yanked at the bars in order to escape hellish torments of this unbearable paradise, though outside I could see nothing but the sea, that other hell. This time the gate did not budge. Again I turned and went into an avenue, but my legs gave way and I stopped as if turned into a tree trunk.
At the end of the avenue, lit beneath the foliage by a shaft of light, stood Diana, like a Madonna in a green niche.
I stalked her like a panther in the wild. She would no longer escape me now, evaporate into a cloud or fade into the wood.
She did not move a muscle; she seemed to be bending intently over something—a flower or a book, what did it matter?
One more leap: she turned round, I stumbled backwards just as fast. It was Diana, but with the slanted eyes of a Chinese woman.
II
P ILAR HAD HAD NO MORE SLEEP since her father had left and her door was guarded. She herself watched out for the attack that was bound to come. The man supposed to prevent her flight was asleep, or if not, he was keeping his eyes shut. Gold is a good sedative too. It took a long time, but Pilar also knew a herb that banished sleep. Yet it came as a relief when she finally saw the halberdier leave and a little later saw an ungainly body clambering into the foliage of the tree. She now had a reason to leave her father’s house.
Yet she still dawdled, and suddenly a great calm descended on her. She looked out into the twilight; then she went inside and heard the thud on the balcony,
Instead of rejoicing that the old world, which had brought nothing but disaster and sadness, had vanished so completely and permanently, I was flooded by an overwhelming melancholy, like the sea flooding a sinking ship, like a second shipwreck.
Only the bed was the same; I could swear to that, and I lay there on it as if on an island, the only survivor of an all-engulfing deluge.
Then, with a shiver, I became aware of my nakedness . I saw clothes lying in front of the bed, hauled them ashore and put them on. They hung about me in wide folds. It was a uniform; the decorations that I had hoped to win before my departure had been attached to the sleeves and shoulders. Was this a mockery? The rough lining chafed my hurt and irritated skin: this robe humiliated me more than anything I could remember; I threw it off in a fury. Rather than wear this I would stay naked all my life. All my life, would that be so much longer? But there was more lying in front of the bed—food. I devoured it. I grabbed for the jug, thinking theremight be a few dregs at the bottom, and found myself drinking fresh water.
On the ground there was another item of clothing, a long, wide garment. I put it on and found it tolerable, though I became almost a stranger to myself. Still I kept it on, but lowered myself out of the window to come to myself again in the wood. The plant world at least had not become totally alien.
But now I was beset by heavy unknown perfumes, and kept stumbling over treacherous roots, impeded by the long garment. I wanted to rest, hidden among the trees, but now it was no longer autumn, and it was hot; I sought the shade, but the leaves were smoky hot, the earth seemed to be heated from within and was alive, with armies of ants advancing from all sides, big red ants that bit, while spiders lowered themselves from the branches and the buzzing of the mosquitoes resumed. I fled, running to where there was a clearing, and was suddenly back in front of the gate, yanked at the bars in order to escape hellish torments of this unbearable paradise, though outside I could see nothing but the sea, that other hell. This time the gate did not budge. Again I turned and went into an avenue, but my legs gave way and I stopped as if turned into a tree trunk.
At the end of the avenue, lit beneath the foliage by a shaft of light, stood Diana, like a Madonna in a green niche.
I stalked her like a panther in the wild. She would no longer escape me now, evaporate into a cloud or fade into the wood.
She did not move a muscle; she seemed to be bending intently over something—a flower or a book, what did it matter?
One more leap: she turned round, I stumbled backwards just as fast. It was Diana, but with the slanted eyes of a Chinese woman.
II
P ILAR HAD HAD NO MORE SLEEP since her father had left and her door was guarded. She herself watched out for the attack that was bound to come. The man supposed to prevent her flight was asleep, or if not, he was keeping his eyes shut. Gold is a good sedative too. It took a long time, but Pilar also knew a herb that banished sleep. Yet it came as a relief when she finally saw the halberdier leave and a little later saw an ungainly body clambering into the foliage of the tree. She now had a reason to leave her father’s house.
Yet she still dawdled, and suddenly a great calm descended on her. She looked out into the twilight; then she went inside and heard the thud on the balcony,
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