stop them. Rachel peered at the window, which was covered by a curtain, and remembered how earlier that evening, before going down to the dreary dining room, having showered and put on a simple dress, she checked the window and found it couldnât be opened, and she looked for something heavy, to break the glass in case of need. This wonât work either, she thought. She tried to calm herself down by concentrating on the rules that I repeated over and over again: âNot everything is related to you. Always ask yourself: Did I do anything wrong? What reason have Igiven them to look for me? Whatever happens, always look for the simple answer.â
âIâm not made for all of thisâthe thought passed through her head and refused to move on. Logic told her everything was okay, her papers were in order and her story was good, and crossing the border and registering at the hotel had gone smoothly. Tomorrow she goes to the school for an interview and then sheâll walk the streets of the city again, like any tourist. Everythingâs fine. But for the fear, it was business as usual. What did they do with the passport if they photographed it? Can they check it and find out whatâs wrong with it? What if they contact Canada to verify my identity? And if tomorrow, in the heart of the city, I meet someone who knows me, an innocent tourist, who was in Tel Aviv before and is now on the next leg of a Middle Eastern tour? And what happens if I fail?
âShe tried to ignore the sounds she heard from the air-conditioning, the clicking of the smoke detector, and what seemed to her like footsteps in the corridor, and to concentrate on the mission ahead of her. What happens if I donât get the job and I canât obtain a residence permit or rent an apartment in the area assigned to me? How will I feel if I go back empty-handed and Ehud debriefs me and says in his quiet way that I could have done more? And then the Unit commander will send for me, and shake his head and tell me how much my operation has cost the State of Israel so far, and heâll talk about all the months of training that they invested in me and all the people who fussed over me, and Iâm not even capable of landing a job in a crappy school? I expected more of you, Rachel, heâll say, and Iâll be thinking, My father would say the same thing. My father who is so remote from me, Ehud who is so close, and Iâm in the middle, wanting to prove to both of them that I can do it, I can fly.
âAgain she heard footsteps. Passing in the corridor, heavy andrhythmic, stopping from time to time, and continuing. If they were coming to take me, like in the exercise in Haifa, they would already be stopping and knocking on the door. They would have posted someone outside the emergency exit, cutting off my escape. But I donât need to escape, because I have nothing to hide, and there are no secrets they can uncover. Itâs all with me, and it depends on me. Slowly, feeling a strange blend of diffidence and bravado, she lowered the sheet that covered her eyes and looked at the small red light flashing on and off. This flickering now gave a little boost to her confidence, as if the light were winking at her, telling her it would be all right. She got up and tiptoed to the door.
âRachel put her eye to the peephole and waited. She heard her heart beating so hard she was afraid the person on the other side must be hearing it too. A moment passed, and she saw the old hotel security man moving at a steady pace along the corridor and passing by her, and then she remembered the chair. She had wondered why it was there at the end of the corridor, and now she wanted to open the door and thank him for watching over her.â
âA ND YOUâR E ASKING ME IF SHE was suitable for the job? If someone whoâs so scared can ignore the thought that any moment they might come and arrest her? Then I have to tell you that I
âIâm not made for all of thisâthe thought passed through her head and refused to move on. Logic told her everything was okay, her papers were in order and her story was good, and crossing the border and registering at the hotel had gone smoothly. Tomorrow she goes to the school for an interview and then sheâll walk the streets of the city again, like any tourist. Everythingâs fine. But for the fear, it was business as usual. What did they do with the passport if they photographed it? Can they check it and find out whatâs wrong with it? What if they contact Canada to verify my identity? And if tomorrow, in the heart of the city, I meet someone who knows me, an innocent tourist, who was in Tel Aviv before and is now on the next leg of a Middle Eastern tour? And what happens if I fail?
âShe tried to ignore the sounds she heard from the air-conditioning, the clicking of the smoke detector, and what seemed to her like footsteps in the corridor, and to concentrate on the mission ahead of her. What happens if I donât get the job and I canât obtain a residence permit or rent an apartment in the area assigned to me? How will I feel if I go back empty-handed and Ehud debriefs me and says in his quiet way that I could have done more? And then the Unit commander will send for me, and shake his head and tell me how much my operation has cost the State of Israel so far, and heâll talk about all the months of training that they invested in me and all the people who fussed over me, and Iâm not even capable of landing a job in a crappy school? I expected more of you, Rachel, heâll say, and Iâll be thinking, My father would say the same thing. My father who is so remote from me, Ehud who is so close, and Iâm in the middle, wanting to prove to both of them that I can do it, I can fly.
âAgain she heard footsteps. Passing in the corridor, heavy andrhythmic, stopping from time to time, and continuing. If they were coming to take me, like in the exercise in Haifa, they would already be stopping and knocking on the door. They would have posted someone outside the emergency exit, cutting off my escape. But I donât need to escape, because I have nothing to hide, and there are no secrets they can uncover. Itâs all with me, and it depends on me. Slowly, feeling a strange blend of diffidence and bravado, she lowered the sheet that covered her eyes and looked at the small red light flashing on and off. This flickering now gave a little boost to her confidence, as if the light were winking at her, telling her it would be all right. She got up and tiptoed to the door.
âRachel put her eye to the peephole and waited. She heard her heart beating so hard she was afraid the person on the other side must be hearing it too. A moment passed, and she saw the old hotel security man moving at a steady pace along the corridor and passing by her, and then she remembered the chair. She had wondered why it was there at the end of the corridor, and now she wanted to open the door and thank him for watching over her.â
âA ND YOUâR E ASKING ME IF SHE was suitable for the job? If someone whoâs so scared can ignore the thought that any moment they might come and arrest her? Then I have to tell you that I
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