then fair enough. But chimp – I feel like the punishment and the crime were most definitely not in synch.’
Then Crow came a little closer, looking back nervously over his shoulder. He continued in a confiding whisper, ‘I really needed that ice-cream job, dude. Your sister, well, she’s got expensive tastes.
Really
expensive. She likes to go to the movies and stuff … All my other girlfriends, well, they were just happy to lurk around looking gloomy, and you can do that for
nothing
, man.’
‘Well, Crow, I think I can help you earn a little extra money.’
‘Really? How?’
And I told him.
DONUT COUNT:
Sunday 4 February
IT ALL WENT down in the late afternoon. It had been planned like a military operation, but with many fewer tanks and ground-attack aircraft. So, I suppose if it really was a military operation it would have been rubbish – definitely in the bottom one per cent, although not as bad as invading Russia, which always ends in disaster. In fact, the best advice my dad has ever given me is never to invade Russia, because, as he pointed out, you only end up retreating through the Horror of the Russian Winter, which is just about the worst kind of retreat there is, apparently.
Anyway, the drop was arranged for the path by the canal bridge. We chose that spot because it was right under a street lamp and we needed the light. Me, Corky, Renfrew and Spam were hiding behind the wall. Jim was standing on the bridge, doing natural boy-type things, such as whistling, spitting into the water, throwing stones at the ducks, etc. etc. He also had his mobile phone in his hand. Not that he was talking to anyone. That wasn’t the plan. Plus, he had no credit left.
He was ready to film!
Crow was waiting on the path. In his pocket he had my dad’s dictaphone. In his hand he held a plastic carrier bag. In the plastic carrier bag was something very unpleasant indeed.
You remember
Whose Poohs
? Remember the prize? Remember who won it? Well, I’d been storing my ‘winnings’ inside a Tupperware container in the freezer. I thought I might get something for it on eBay … Little did I know when I stored it there that the celebrity poo was one day going to save my bacon.
It was pretty tense behind the wall.
Would he turn up?
Would he take the merchandise?
Would Jim manage to film it?
Or would we all freeze to death before anything interesting happened?
I passed out the emergency rations – there was half a donut each, except for me. I got a whole donut on the grounds that I needed the energy for all the major thinking I was doing, plus I’d bought them anyway, and if anyone wanted to complain then they should have bought their own donuts – or, for that matter, any other snacks they felt like, e.g. crisps, nuts, sausage rolls, Scotch eggs—
‘I hear something,’ whispered Renfrew.
I swallowed what was left of my donut and peeked over the wall. And there, just coming into the circle of light cast by the street lamp, was the Floppy-Haired Kid himself.
Well, who else were you expecting – the Prisoner of Azkaban?
The tension was so thick you could have cut it with a knife and spread it on bread, maybe with some jam or honey – although personally I’m not a big fan of bee puke, which is what honey basically is.
The two figures nodded to each other.
‘Hey, Steerforth,’ said Crow, as arranged beforehand . It was vital to get the Brown Phantom’s real name on tape.
‘I said no names, you freak!’
‘Chill out, man. You want the stuff or not?’
‘You got it?’
‘I got it. You got the money?’
The FHK reached into his pocket and took out some notes and held them out. They made the exchange. The FHK looked suspiciously at the bag.
‘This definitely the same stuff?’
‘I saw it come out of Samson with my own eyes. He was reading the newspaper and whistling
Dixie
. Check it if you want.’
The FHK began to open the bag, but then thought better of it.
‘OK, I trust you.’
‘So what
Then Crow came a little closer, looking back nervously over his shoulder. He continued in a confiding whisper, ‘I really needed that ice-cream job, dude. Your sister, well, she’s got expensive tastes.
Really
expensive. She likes to go to the movies and stuff … All my other girlfriends, well, they were just happy to lurk around looking gloomy, and you can do that for
nothing
, man.’
‘Well, Crow, I think I can help you earn a little extra money.’
‘Really? How?’
And I told him.
DONUT COUNT:
Sunday 4 February
IT ALL WENT down in the late afternoon. It had been planned like a military operation, but with many fewer tanks and ground-attack aircraft. So, I suppose if it really was a military operation it would have been rubbish – definitely in the bottom one per cent, although not as bad as invading Russia, which always ends in disaster. In fact, the best advice my dad has ever given me is never to invade Russia, because, as he pointed out, you only end up retreating through the Horror of the Russian Winter, which is just about the worst kind of retreat there is, apparently.
Anyway, the drop was arranged for the path by the canal bridge. We chose that spot because it was right under a street lamp and we needed the light. Me, Corky, Renfrew and Spam were hiding behind the wall. Jim was standing on the bridge, doing natural boy-type things, such as whistling, spitting into the water, throwing stones at the ducks, etc. etc. He also had his mobile phone in his hand. Not that he was talking to anyone. That wasn’t the plan. Plus, he had no credit left.
He was ready to film!
Crow was waiting on the path. In his pocket he had my dad’s dictaphone. In his hand he held a plastic carrier bag. In the plastic carrier bag was something very unpleasant indeed.
You remember
Whose Poohs
? Remember the prize? Remember who won it? Well, I’d been storing my ‘winnings’ inside a Tupperware container in the freezer. I thought I might get something for it on eBay … Little did I know when I stored it there that the celebrity poo was one day going to save my bacon.
It was pretty tense behind the wall.
Would he turn up?
Would he take the merchandise?
Would Jim manage to film it?
Or would we all freeze to death before anything interesting happened?
I passed out the emergency rations – there was half a donut each, except for me. I got a whole donut on the grounds that I needed the energy for all the major thinking I was doing, plus I’d bought them anyway, and if anyone wanted to complain then they should have bought their own donuts – or, for that matter, any other snacks they felt like, e.g. crisps, nuts, sausage rolls, Scotch eggs—
‘I hear something,’ whispered Renfrew.
I swallowed what was left of my donut and peeked over the wall. And there, just coming into the circle of light cast by the street lamp, was the Floppy-Haired Kid himself.
Well, who else were you expecting – the Prisoner of Azkaban?
The tension was so thick you could have cut it with a knife and spread it on bread, maybe with some jam or honey – although personally I’m not a big fan of bee puke, which is what honey basically is.
The two figures nodded to each other.
‘Hey, Steerforth,’ said Crow, as arranged beforehand . It was vital to get the Brown Phantom’s real name on tape.
‘I said no names, you freak!’
‘Chill out, man. You want the stuff or not?’
‘You got it?’
‘I got it. You got the money?’
The FHK reached into his pocket and took out some notes and held them out. They made the exchange. The FHK looked suspiciously at the bag.
‘This definitely the same stuff?’
‘I saw it come out of Samson with my own eyes. He was reading the newspaper and whistling
Dixie
. Check it if you want.’
The FHK began to open the bag, but then thought better of it.
‘OK, I trust you.’
‘So what
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