had done now, as bad as that is, but I told him no. And I genuinely watched his heart fucking break.'
Rich married his girlfriend the next day, and he was still married to her now. They had two sons; the oldest was fifteen years old and the spitting image of his father. Lucy had been haunted by her non relationship with Rich ever since. She had never struck me as being the kind of person who believed in souls, but she said more than once that he had been her soul-mate. Had been, she said; always will be, she meant. So I had nothing to worry about. She was never going to fall in love with me.
Because of the situation we were in and because of everything I'd said, as we were lying in the hotel room she had no idea how much this was hurting me.
'I set up that email account in his name,' she said. 'And every now and then I write to him. I know that he'll never see them, and it's stupid. But sometimes I think about sending him the address and password and letting him read what I've put there. I wonder if he's been thinking about me the whole time like I have about him.'
'Maybe he has,' I said, although I doubted it.
The last thing she said about it was, 'I know that I'll never have him, but I also know I'll never get over him.'
So, the next day I read a few of the messages, and then I logged out and went back to work. Lucy and I spoke that evening, and then after that we didn't talk about it much. On the surface, we were as close as ever, but below the surface there was something wrong, and it was all with me. I knew I should be grateful she thought enough of me to tell me what she had, but for some reason it didn't offer much consolation. From that point, the rot set in.
Over the next two weeks, I did bad things. Because she had given me the log-in details, I convinced myself that it was okay to use them. I opened the account every now and then, and each time she sent him a new message it hurt me more and more. I had nobody to blame apart from myself, of course, but the relationship started to be all I could think about. I wanted her to want me. Rachel was there the whole time, never suspecting, but she wasn't in my thoughts at all. Like I said, it was a shock to her when it finally happened. She never expected I'd be so stupid.
I hadn't seen Lucy for a couple of days, and I was feeling shit about the whole thing - more out of control than ever. It was obviously falling apart, and part of me knew that I should allow it to, return to Rachel in my head and count my blessings that she hadn't found out. But I was on a break, and I found myself sitting in a net cafe once again, logging in to Rich's account.
This time, it was different:
No new messages
I looked at the screen for a while, feeling the kind of sheer, sudden panic you'd get if you were sitting there happily and a tiger walked into the room. I was very still, not wanting to move in case I made anything worse.
She's read them all, I thought after a moment, attempting to convince myself. And failing.
I clicked Inbox to make sure the mailbox homepage wasn't lying to me out of spite, but it wasn't. All the messages were in plain text, while unread messages were always highlighted in bold.
So either she'd read them all, or else she'd finally done what she'd always wanted and sent Rich the account details.
I clicked the Sent Items icon and saw that somebody had sent Lucy an email the night before. I clicked on it, read it. And of course, it was from Rich. They had arranged to meet each other on a respective break. I checked my watch and realised that they would be with each other now. Talking things over.
'I hope you'll be very happy,' I said. I logged out and left.
That night, I told Rachel that I didn't love her anymore. It was a combination of everything. I'd thought about it all day, and the conclusion I'd come to - the realisation, I suppose - was that I was in love with Lucy and I needed to tell her. I hadn't thought about Rachel all day, beyond how hard it
Rich married his girlfriend the next day, and he was still married to her now. They had two sons; the oldest was fifteen years old and the spitting image of his father. Lucy had been haunted by her non relationship with Rich ever since. She had never struck me as being the kind of person who believed in souls, but she said more than once that he had been her soul-mate. Had been, she said; always will be, she meant. So I had nothing to worry about. She was never going to fall in love with me.
Because of the situation we were in and because of everything I'd said, as we were lying in the hotel room she had no idea how much this was hurting me.
'I set up that email account in his name,' she said. 'And every now and then I write to him. I know that he'll never see them, and it's stupid. But sometimes I think about sending him the address and password and letting him read what I've put there. I wonder if he's been thinking about me the whole time like I have about him.'
'Maybe he has,' I said, although I doubted it.
The last thing she said about it was, 'I know that I'll never have him, but I also know I'll never get over him.'
So, the next day I read a few of the messages, and then I logged out and went back to work. Lucy and I spoke that evening, and then after that we didn't talk about it much. On the surface, we were as close as ever, but below the surface there was something wrong, and it was all with me. I knew I should be grateful she thought enough of me to tell me what she had, but for some reason it didn't offer much consolation. From that point, the rot set in.
Over the next two weeks, I did bad things. Because she had given me the log-in details, I convinced myself that it was okay to use them. I opened the account every now and then, and each time she sent him a new message it hurt me more and more. I had nobody to blame apart from myself, of course, but the relationship started to be all I could think about. I wanted her to want me. Rachel was there the whole time, never suspecting, but she wasn't in my thoughts at all. Like I said, it was a shock to her when it finally happened. She never expected I'd be so stupid.
I hadn't seen Lucy for a couple of days, and I was feeling shit about the whole thing - more out of control than ever. It was obviously falling apart, and part of me knew that I should allow it to, return to Rachel in my head and count my blessings that she hadn't found out. But I was on a break, and I found myself sitting in a net cafe once again, logging in to Rich's account.
This time, it was different:
No new messages
I looked at the screen for a while, feeling the kind of sheer, sudden panic you'd get if you were sitting there happily and a tiger walked into the room. I was very still, not wanting to move in case I made anything worse.
She's read them all, I thought after a moment, attempting to convince myself. And failing.
I clicked Inbox to make sure the mailbox homepage wasn't lying to me out of spite, but it wasn't. All the messages were in plain text, while unread messages were always highlighted in bold.
So either she'd read them all, or else she'd finally done what she'd always wanted and sent Rich the account details.
I clicked the Sent Items icon and saw that somebody had sent Lucy an email the night before. I clicked on it, read it. And of course, it was from Rich. They had arranged to meet each other on a respective break. I checked my watch and realised that they would be with each other now. Talking things over.
'I hope you'll be very happy,' I said. I logged out and left.
That night, I told Rachel that I didn't love her anymore. It was a combination of everything. I'd thought about it all day, and the conclusion I'd come to - the realisation, I suppose - was that I was in love with Lucy and I needed to tell her. I hadn't thought about Rachel all day, beyond how hard it
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