a giant steel effigy of Lenin and in the ensuing uproar Billy and his Ma switched garb and Billy walked out as happy and free as a lark. The plan ended there and it was as he entered the Delayed Reaction that Billy remembered his Ma. Ma Panacea found herself locked in the state pen unable to convince anyone she wasn’t Billy Panacea but Billy Panacea’s mother.
‘Ah, quit foolin’ Billy,’ shouted her cellmates. ‘You wanted to sail that notion why didn’t you swap clothes with your Ma durin’ the Lenin riot?’ And they began to laugh.
Meanwhile in the Delayed Reaction Bar, Don Toto the barman was squinting and hesitant. ‘Is that you, Ma Panacea? Billy aint here, he’s in the state pen, remember?’
‘I am Billy,’ whispered Billy Panacea. ‘Gimme a scotch with everything in it.’
‘Billy Panacea you sick dog, your sweet mother won’t take kindly to you donning a dress and getting blurred in the afternoon.’
‘Ma Panacea is in the state pen,’ Billy explained, ‘and I cannot afford to be seen drunk or sober in my own garb. I must pass myself off as Ma till I figure a plan to bust her out. What kind of tricks does Ma get up to these days?’
Toto told Billy that Ma Panacea was due to judge the bakery contest that very afternoon. Billy threw back his scotch and bolted out of the bar before anyone could knife him to a stop.
Billy selected a cake which had clearly collapsed in despair. ‘This cake,’ he announced to the assembled hags, gesturing at the blunder, ‘is the most excellent item I have ever confronted. In fact I fully and clearly intend to take it home and swallow it, before it rises.’
In the visiting room the following day, Billy slipped the cake under the partition. ‘Here, Ma - save it for later.’
‘The hell I will.’
‘There is a file in the pie, you sick old woman.’
‘Trying to poison me eh?’ she nodded without surprise. ‘With a lump of metal. You never were one for subtlety, William.’
‘Don’t call me William, Ma,’ whispered Billy, ‘or I’ll bust you in the eye.’
‘Killing your Ma while dressed in her summer clothes. You sure are the last word in perversity.’
‘Shut your face a minute, Ma,’ said Billy with a hushed urgency, glancing at a guard. ‘I intend to blast you out of here with a quantity of dynamite which will surprise everyone. In three days you will receive delivery of a large, hardbound Updike novel. The guards will not examine this, knowing it cannot contain anything of interest. Between the boards you will find the quantity of sherbet to which I have just alluded, and with which you will minimise the east wall.’
However, when the time came the guards were so uninterested they tossed the novel into the incinerator, causing a blast which gutted the postroom.
So Billy advised his Ma to construct a huge DNA helix during metalshop and utilise it as a ladder to an upper window. Due to the controversy over Billy’s last exhibit, Ma Panacea was forced to undertake a patriotic subject as an act of atonement - so she made the DNA that of a hardline Republican senator, only to find that the genetic irregularities involved rendered the helix unusable as a climbing frame.
So Billy set up a Noah break. By releasing twenty berserking apes into a slammer it is simple enough for the escapee, disguised as a chimp, to be rounded up and shipped out with the general herd. But inevitably bad communication led Ma Panacea to create a walrus outfit instead of that of the appropriate animal, thus appearing limpidly conspicuous amid the shrieking primates.
Billy gave up and resolved to get himself caught. He carried out a jewel robbery which only he could have performed, involving infra-red scanning, knee-hanging acrobatics above a pressure-sensitive floor, computer hacking through a gauntlet of alarm systems and a take-off from a domed roof in a prefab autogiro. When he headed out to confess the next morning he found that Joe Solitary had already
‘Ah, quit foolin’ Billy,’ shouted her cellmates. ‘You wanted to sail that notion why didn’t you swap clothes with your Ma durin’ the Lenin riot?’ And they began to laugh.
Meanwhile in the Delayed Reaction Bar, Don Toto the barman was squinting and hesitant. ‘Is that you, Ma Panacea? Billy aint here, he’s in the state pen, remember?’
‘I am Billy,’ whispered Billy Panacea. ‘Gimme a scotch with everything in it.’
‘Billy Panacea you sick dog, your sweet mother won’t take kindly to you donning a dress and getting blurred in the afternoon.’
‘Ma Panacea is in the state pen,’ Billy explained, ‘and I cannot afford to be seen drunk or sober in my own garb. I must pass myself off as Ma till I figure a plan to bust her out. What kind of tricks does Ma get up to these days?’
Toto told Billy that Ma Panacea was due to judge the bakery contest that very afternoon. Billy threw back his scotch and bolted out of the bar before anyone could knife him to a stop.
Billy selected a cake which had clearly collapsed in despair. ‘This cake,’ he announced to the assembled hags, gesturing at the blunder, ‘is the most excellent item I have ever confronted. In fact I fully and clearly intend to take it home and swallow it, before it rises.’
In the visiting room the following day, Billy slipped the cake under the partition. ‘Here, Ma - save it for later.’
‘The hell I will.’
‘There is a file in the pie, you sick old woman.’
‘Trying to poison me eh?’ she nodded without surprise. ‘With a lump of metal. You never were one for subtlety, William.’
‘Don’t call me William, Ma,’ whispered Billy, ‘or I’ll bust you in the eye.’
‘Killing your Ma while dressed in her summer clothes. You sure are the last word in perversity.’
‘Shut your face a minute, Ma,’ said Billy with a hushed urgency, glancing at a guard. ‘I intend to blast you out of here with a quantity of dynamite which will surprise everyone. In three days you will receive delivery of a large, hardbound Updike novel. The guards will not examine this, knowing it cannot contain anything of interest. Between the boards you will find the quantity of sherbet to which I have just alluded, and with which you will minimise the east wall.’
However, when the time came the guards were so uninterested they tossed the novel into the incinerator, causing a blast which gutted the postroom.
So Billy advised his Ma to construct a huge DNA helix during metalshop and utilise it as a ladder to an upper window. Due to the controversy over Billy’s last exhibit, Ma Panacea was forced to undertake a patriotic subject as an act of atonement - so she made the DNA that of a hardline Republican senator, only to find that the genetic irregularities involved rendered the helix unusable as a climbing frame.
So Billy set up a Noah break. By releasing twenty berserking apes into a slammer it is simple enough for the escapee, disguised as a chimp, to be rounded up and shipped out with the general herd. But inevitably bad communication led Ma Panacea to create a walrus outfit instead of that of the appropriate animal, thus appearing limpidly conspicuous amid the shrieking primates.
Billy gave up and resolved to get himself caught. He carried out a jewel robbery which only he could have performed, involving infra-red scanning, knee-hanging acrobatics above a pressure-sensitive floor, computer hacking through a gauntlet of alarm systems and a take-off from a domed roof in a prefab autogiro. When he headed out to confess the next morning he found that Joe Solitary had already
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