situation.
Well, she looked at me, and then she said, “Let’s have a talk. Come and sit here beside me.”
I went and sat.
“What are you going to do when I’ve gone?”
I don’t think about it, I said.
“Will you want to go on seeing me?”
Of course I will.
“You’re definitely going to come and live in London? We’ll make you into someone really modern. Someone really interesting to meet.”
You’d be ashamed of me with all your friends.
It was all unreal. I knew she was pretending just like I was. I had a headache. It was all going wrong.
“I’ve got lots of friends. Do you know why? Because I’m never ashamed of them. All sorts of people. You aren’t the strangest by a long way. There’s one who’s very immoral. But he’s a beautiful painter so we forgive him. And he’s not ashamed. You’ve got to be the same. Not be ashamed. I’ll help you. It’s easy if you try.”
It seemed the moment. Anyway, I couldn’t stand it any longer.
Please marry me, I said. I had the ring in my pocket all ready.
There was a silence.
Everything I’ve got is yours, I said.
“Marriage means love,” she said.
I don’t expect anything, I said. I don’t expect you to do anything that you don’t want. You can do what you like, study art, etcetera. I won’t ask anything, anything of you, except to be my wife in name and live in the same house with me.
She sat staring at the carpet.
You can have your own bedroom and lock it every night, I said.
“But that’s horrible. It’s inhuman! We’ll never understand each other. We don’t have the same sort of heart.”
I’ve got a heart, for all that, I said.
“I just think of things as beautiful or not. Can’t you understand? I don’t think of good or bad. Just of beautiful or ugly. I think a lot of nice things are ugly and a lot of nasty things are beautiful.”
You’re playing with words, I said. All she did was stare at me, then she smiled and got up and stood by the fire, really beautiful. But all withdrawn. Superior.
I suppose you’re in love with that Piers Broughton, I said. I wanted to give her a jolt. She was really surprised, too.
“How do you know about him?”
I told her it was in the papers. It said you and him were unofficially engaged, I said.
I saw right off they weren’t. She just laughed. “He’s the last person I’d marry. I’d rather marry you.”
Then why can’t it be me?
“Because I can’t marry a man to whom I don’t feel I belong in all ways. My mind must be his, my heart must be his, my body must be his. Just as I must feel he belongs to me.”
I belong to you.
“But you don’t! Belonging’s two things. One who gives and one who accepts what’s given. You don’t belong to me because I can’t accept you. I can’t give you anything back.”
I don’t want much.
“I know you don’t. Only the things that I have to give anyway. The way I look and speak and move. But I’m other things. I have other things to give. And I can’t give them to you, because I don’t love you.”
I said, that changes everything then, doesn’t it. I stood up, my head was throbbing. She knew what I meant at once, I could see it in her face, but she pretended not to understand.
“What do you mean?”
You know what I mean, I said.
“I’ll marry you. I’ll marry you as soon as you like.”
Ha ha, I said.
“Isn’t that what you wanted me to say?”
I suppose you think I don’t know you don’t need witnesses and all, I said.
“Well?”
I don’t trust you half an inch, I said.
The way she was looking at me really made me sick. As if I wasn’t human hardly. Not a sneer. Just as if I was something out of outer space. Fascinating almost.
You think I don’t see through all the soft as soap stuff, I said.
She just said, “Ferdinand.” Like she was appealing. Another of her tricks.
Don’t you Ferdinand me, I said.
“You promised. You can’t break your promise.”
I can do what I like.
“But I don’t
Well, she looked at me, and then she said, “Let’s have a talk. Come and sit here beside me.”
I went and sat.
“What are you going to do when I’ve gone?”
I don’t think about it, I said.
“Will you want to go on seeing me?”
Of course I will.
“You’re definitely going to come and live in London? We’ll make you into someone really modern. Someone really interesting to meet.”
You’d be ashamed of me with all your friends.
It was all unreal. I knew she was pretending just like I was. I had a headache. It was all going wrong.
“I’ve got lots of friends. Do you know why? Because I’m never ashamed of them. All sorts of people. You aren’t the strangest by a long way. There’s one who’s very immoral. But he’s a beautiful painter so we forgive him. And he’s not ashamed. You’ve got to be the same. Not be ashamed. I’ll help you. It’s easy if you try.”
It seemed the moment. Anyway, I couldn’t stand it any longer.
Please marry me, I said. I had the ring in my pocket all ready.
There was a silence.
Everything I’ve got is yours, I said.
“Marriage means love,” she said.
I don’t expect anything, I said. I don’t expect you to do anything that you don’t want. You can do what you like, study art, etcetera. I won’t ask anything, anything of you, except to be my wife in name and live in the same house with me.
She sat staring at the carpet.
You can have your own bedroom and lock it every night, I said.
“But that’s horrible. It’s inhuman! We’ll never understand each other. We don’t have the same sort of heart.”
I’ve got a heart, for all that, I said.
“I just think of things as beautiful or not. Can’t you understand? I don’t think of good or bad. Just of beautiful or ugly. I think a lot of nice things are ugly and a lot of nasty things are beautiful.”
You’re playing with words, I said. All she did was stare at me, then she smiled and got up and stood by the fire, really beautiful. But all withdrawn. Superior.
I suppose you’re in love with that Piers Broughton, I said. I wanted to give her a jolt. She was really surprised, too.
“How do you know about him?”
I told her it was in the papers. It said you and him were unofficially engaged, I said.
I saw right off they weren’t. She just laughed. “He’s the last person I’d marry. I’d rather marry you.”
Then why can’t it be me?
“Because I can’t marry a man to whom I don’t feel I belong in all ways. My mind must be his, my heart must be his, my body must be his. Just as I must feel he belongs to me.”
I belong to you.
“But you don’t! Belonging’s two things. One who gives and one who accepts what’s given. You don’t belong to me because I can’t accept you. I can’t give you anything back.”
I don’t want much.
“I know you don’t. Only the things that I have to give anyway. The way I look and speak and move. But I’m other things. I have other things to give. And I can’t give them to you, because I don’t love you.”
I said, that changes everything then, doesn’t it. I stood up, my head was throbbing. She knew what I meant at once, I could see it in her face, but she pretended not to understand.
“What do you mean?”
You know what I mean, I said.
“I’ll marry you. I’ll marry you as soon as you like.”
Ha ha, I said.
“Isn’t that what you wanted me to say?”
I suppose you think I don’t know you don’t need witnesses and all, I said.
“Well?”
I don’t trust you half an inch, I said.
The way she was looking at me really made me sick. As if I wasn’t human hardly. Not a sneer. Just as if I was something out of outer space. Fascinating almost.
You think I don’t see through all the soft as soap stuff, I said.
She just said, “Ferdinand.” Like she was appealing. Another of her tricks.
Don’t you Ferdinand me, I said.
“You promised. You can’t break your promise.”
I can do what I like.
“But I don’t
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