The Christmas Pig: A Very Kinky Christmas by Kinky Friedman Page B
Authors: Kinky Friedman
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the world, was a pig. If that were not enough, one of the Christ child’s little hands extended lovingly to touch the pig’s adoring face.
It did not take long for the catcalls and the heckling to start. Soon the entire multitude was openly mocking the painting and calling for the head of the artist. As the mood of the crowd grew uglier, Feinberg leapt to the fore, vigorously employing plan B.
“It’s blasphemous!” he shouted. “It’s sacrilege! It’s not kosher!”
Meanwhile, King Jonjo stepped to the front of the stage and violently wielded his scepter. The crowd quieted rapidly, then hushed to total silence. Then the king, in possibly his finest hour, spoke thusly to the crowd:
“My people,” he said. “Do you not see what this artist is trying to tell us? He is providing us an indication of the kind of man this babe would grow up to be. A man who would love and embrace lepers and prisoners and prostitutes and, yes, pigs. Can you not see that this young man’s work is worthy of the loving spirit of the King of Kings? This is a great painting, I tell you. It is a work of art that shall forever be cherished in the hearts of men.”
The crowd began applauding rather tentatively, then swelled into hearty cheers and newfound adulation for the painting. Feinberg, again, was quite prominent in leading the worshipful response.
“It’s brilliant!” shouted Feinberg. “It’s a masterpiece! What was I thinking? I must have had a nail in my head.”
“Now you see,” said the king to the crowd. “Now you know.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
The Angels
A ND G OD CALLED about Him a band of angels. And He said, “Bring me two shining stars.” And the angels weren’t quite sure what He meant so they got together a little focus group.
“What’s the Old Man talking about?” said the angel named Tom Baker. “We can’t bring him two stars.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” said the angel named Kacey Cohen. “He’s just speaking metaphorically again.”
So the angels decided they would find the two most shining spirits in all the earth. They had been watching mortal events unfold, so they went directly to the forest and found the little frozen bodies of the young boy and the pig. These they wrapped in gossamer and took back before God’s throne.
“Bingo!” said God to the angels. “This young boy shall forever paint in My mansion of peace, and this young pig shall forever romp in its hallways of happiness. And both of them shall be by My side for all eternity.
“Furthermore,” said God, “on either side of that star that led the wise men to Jesus, I shall place two other stars. One will be for Benjamin, and one will be for Valerie.
“And though men may later call these three stars in a line Orion’s Belt, they are placed by My hand for a purpose. And that is to lead men, women, children, and animals to the light forevermore.”
KINKY FRIEDMAN lives in a little green trailer somewhere in the hills of Texas. He has five dogs, one armadillo, and one Smith-Corona typewriter. By the time you are reading this, Mr. Friedman may either be celebrating becoming the next governor of Texas or he may have retired in a petulant snit.
It did not take long for the catcalls and the heckling to start. Soon the entire multitude was openly mocking the painting and calling for the head of the artist. As the mood of the crowd grew uglier, Feinberg leapt to the fore, vigorously employing plan B.
“It’s blasphemous!” he shouted. “It’s sacrilege! It’s not kosher!”
Meanwhile, King Jonjo stepped to the front of the stage and violently wielded his scepter. The crowd quieted rapidly, then hushed to total silence. Then the king, in possibly his finest hour, spoke thusly to the crowd:
“My people,” he said. “Do you not see what this artist is trying to tell us? He is providing us an indication of the kind of man this babe would grow up to be. A man who would love and embrace lepers and prisoners and prostitutes and, yes, pigs. Can you not see that this young man’s work is worthy of the loving spirit of the King of Kings? This is a great painting, I tell you. It is a work of art that shall forever be cherished in the hearts of men.”
The crowd began applauding rather tentatively, then swelled into hearty cheers and newfound adulation for the painting. Feinberg, again, was quite prominent in leading the worshipful response.
“It’s brilliant!” shouted Feinberg. “It’s a masterpiece! What was I thinking? I must have had a nail in my head.”
“Now you see,” said the king to the crowd. “Now you know.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
The Angels
A ND G OD CALLED about Him a band of angels. And He said, “Bring me two shining stars.” And the angels weren’t quite sure what He meant so they got together a little focus group.
“What’s the Old Man talking about?” said the angel named Tom Baker. “We can’t bring him two stars.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” said the angel named Kacey Cohen. “He’s just speaking metaphorically again.”
So the angels decided they would find the two most shining spirits in all the earth. They had been watching mortal events unfold, so they went directly to the forest and found the little frozen bodies of the young boy and the pig. These they wrapped in gossamer and took back before God’s throne.
“Bingo!” said God to the angels. “This young boy shall forever paint in My mansion of peace, and this young pig shall forever romp in its hallways of happiness. And both of them shall be by My side for all eternity.
“Furthermore,” said God, “on either side of that star that led the wise men to Jesus, I shall place two other stars. One will be for Benjamin, and one will be for Valerie.
“And though men may later call these three stars in a line Orion’s Belt, they are placed by My hand for a purpose. And that is to lead men, women, children, and animals to the light forevermore.”
KINKY FRIEDMAN lives in a little green trailer somewhere in the hills of Texas. He has five dogs, one armadillo, and one Smith-Corona typewriter. By the time you are reading this, Mr. Friedman may either be celebrating becoming the next governor of Texas or he may have retired in a petulant snit.
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