The Brain in Love: 12 Lessons to Enhance Your Love Life by Daniel G. Amen Page B

around the house and be more present with the children. He wanted more peace, quiet, and sex. He wanted to be left alone for a half hour when he got home from work. Their struggles were clearly affecting their marriage. The brain scans showed clear differences. Jennifer’s scan, as Ruben Gur’s research would suggest, showed much higher levels of activity. Brad’s scan had significantly lower levels of activity. Jennifer’s worries and overthinking in the relationship were a product of a much more active brain, while Brad’s need for rest came from his sleepy brain. A great couple activity to help balance both these states is physical exercise. For men, exercise wakes up the brain, while for women exercise enhances brain serotonin levels and calms the overactivity.
    Sex Is Like Shooting Free Throws
    When I counsel couples, I often say that sex is like shooting free throws, hitting a golf ball, learning how to throw a football or a curveball, or hitting a winning tennis serve. Men like sports analogies; women want their mates to pay attention. When boys learn to shoot free throws, or become skilled in any other sport, they practice over and over and over again. They repeatedly work on their technique. They spend hours at the free-throw line, figuring out what to do to improve their stats. Successful athletes have great coaches and they listen to them. They spend years perfecting their techniques and are not crushed by failure; rather they use it as an opportunity to learn. They film their performances to see how they can improve on technique and outcome.
    For optimal satisfaction in the bedroom, women would do best to act like a good coach, recognizing that it may take your man some time to perfect his technique. Like a good coach, offerencouragement, praise, and advice. Meet him for practice on a regular basis and make it a fun experience that both of you want to revisit again and again.
    Unfortunately, many women have trouble asking for what they want sexually. They may tell their man once or twice, often hesitantly, but then never again bring up their wants and desires. Many women I have counseled believe that if a man doesn’t get it right the first time around, he probably doesn’t really love, care, or want to please her. Training your lover to please you sexually is an important goal for your overall health. This is especially true for women, as their longevity is associated with pleasure, not frequency. Men are often slow to pick up the needs of their partner. They do not have the same access to reading social cues as women, so need more direct communication. Men are not born knowing how to please their partners; they need to be taught, over and over, like shooting free throws. They need good coaches who help them with technique and form. And you need to be satisfied; your life may depend on it.
    The same principle applies to men. Ask what pleases your partner, listen, and practice. Tell her what you like, encourage her to talk about what she likes. Talk about what you do together that makes you think about her during the day when you are apart.
    Nine Common Questions
    As I was writing this book, the daytime television show The View did a program on the male brain. Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Star Jones, Meredith Vieira, and Joy Behar wanted to know why men and women were so different. My segment was on after talk-show-host Donny Deutsch, whom the girls had just roasted. They asked him how many times he had been married (which was twice), and why his marriages had failed (he didn’t know), and whether or not he cheated on his wives (no), and what his problem was (he asked if they had a shrink’s couch nearby).
    Thankfully, they were easier on me. My interview covered ninequestions, which are included below (these are some of the most common questions women ask about men):
    1. “Is there really a difference between a man’s and a woman’s brain?”
    Gathering my composure, I said, “Huge differences, and we can