Texts from Jane Eyre by Mallory Ortberg Page A

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 i can’t believe you stole his phone
     i didn’t steal it
he’s in the shower
  if you must know
     that’s so pathetic 
     if it’s so pathetic
then why is he here showering with me
instead of there
  showering with you
     obviously he isn’t showering with you
obviously he’s just showering
and you’re alone
going through his phone
 trying to make sure he doesn’t get my messages
     just leave him alone 
     i never let edmund shower alone when he’s at my place 
     shut up 
     this is why he’s never going to kill your husband for you 
     i don’t see anybody killing your husband 
     well it’s hard to see
when you’re blinded
 by jealousy
     oh guess what edmund came out of the shower
he says he loves me and we’re getting married and he’s going to murder my husband
so
  can’t talk gotta go bye!!!
     you’re lying 
     nope he’s killing my husband right now
oh my god there’s so much blood
we’re going to have to take another shower
after all this husband
murdering
  byyyyye
     don’t you dare
goneril
goneril
you made that up right
 i’m calling right now

     let’s just run away, Cordelia 
     all right 
     you and me
we’ll run off to jail together
 Lear and Cordelia, together again
     oh 
     just the two of us
like birds in a cage
 I’ll be one bird and you’ll be the other bird
     huh 
     we can laugh at butterflies
and listen to court gossip from the guards
and just live there forever
and pray and sing and laugh
we’ll be SPIES for GOD
 just like two crazy birds trapped in a tower together
     yeah
that would be
jail with my dad
so much better than moving to France
with my powerful new husband
yeah
  wow
     forever and ever
it’ll be so great
 let’s do it
     oh
okay
yes
sure
let me just
tell my husband that
  I’m running off to jail with my dad forever
     okay i’ll wait 
     it might take a little while
  things are pretty crazy around here right now
     be right here
 whenever you get back

John Donne
     i just think it’s a little weird
you don’t mind when a flea bites both of us
but you won’t have sex with me
 i wouldn’t even bite you
     what 
     unless you wanted me to
obviously if you wanted me to i would bite you
 but the biting’s really not the point here
     i didn’t let the flea bite me
  i didn’t even know it was there
     see
that’s just how easy having sex with me is
wait
that’s not
 that’s not exactly what i mean
     i really don’t see what the flea has to do with us 
     it means we’re basically married
it has my blood and your blood in it
so
you’ve technically already had sex with me
 and you might as well do it again
     i don’t
wait
  but there could be a lot of other blood in there too
     well we might have to have sex with all those people too 
     what 
     don’t get mad at me
 get mad at the flea for making me have sex with so many people
     look i’ll just kill the flea
okay?
  the flea is gone
     oh my god you’ll kill our blood baby
 but you won’t even have sex with me

      Hamlet
     hey kiddo
  are you coming down for dinner
     fuck you 
     okay
  sorry honey
     your not sorry at all 
     do you want me to bring you a sandwich? 
     i wish i was dead 
     okay honey
  but do you want a sandwich first
     what kind of sandwich 
     we’re having tuna fish 
     okay 
     okay you still want to die?
  or okay you want me to bring you a tuna fish sandwich?
     uuuuughhh
 you dont get it
     i’ll bring you the sandwich just in case 
     i dont want one if theres the little crunchy things in it 
     capers? 
     no
 the little crunchy things
     celery? 
     NO
 THE LITTLE CRUNCHY THINGS
     relish? 
     yeah 
     i don’t think there’s any relish in them but i’ll check 
     bring two
 if i dont die i want one for later
     okay 
     dont come in though 
     I won’t 
     im working on something and i dont want you to look at it
 so