don’t need this. Or you.”
“Daphne—”
“What?”
“I had a really great time with you last night. Like, the best time I’ve had in a long time. And I’m not sure I made that clear.”
“Yeah, I know. We went to the dance and we made your girlfriend jealous. It was a big success.”
“Daphne—I like you, okay? You.”
“You like me?”
“Yes.”
“Do you know what I did today, River?”
“No.” Crap. I should have called her after the dance. Or texted her. I should have asked her about her day.
“I stole three CDs from Walgreens.”
“Why?” I sounded like Natalie.
She laughed. “Because sometimes I just want things to come easy. And sometimes I just can’t do everything I’m supposed to.”
Again I fought the urge to touch her. “What you did…what you do…that doesn’t change a thing.”
“You like me. Why do you like me?”
“Because…you’re smart. And you’re funny. And you’re beautiful. And you know more about how the world works than anyone I know. And when I’m with you…I…”
“You don’t think about her?”
“No, I don’t. But that’s not what I’m trying to say. When I’m with you…I want time to slow down.”
Just as I said that I heard the gasping sound of the bus’s brakes. I turned around and there it was. Its headlights like monster eyes.
“Well, I gotta go.”
“Can I ride with you?”
“No. Go home, River.”
She stepped onto the bus and swiped her fare card. She turned to look at me.
The doors started to close.
“I like you because of who you are,” I blurted out.
She waved her hand at me. Maybe saying good-bye. Maybe brushing me off. Or maybe, I hoped, trying to say that she connected what I’d said to something true inside herself.
Why did I still love Penny?
It was an excellent question.
I still loved Penny because that was how I saw myself, as someone who loved Penny Brockaway, and I didn’t know how to be somebody different. I still loved Penny because loving her gave my life purpose. I was really, really good at loving Penny. I still loved Penny because I was afraid not to.
After the bus doors closed behind Daphne, I walked back toward A Second Chance. Mason and Christopher stood out on the sidewalk. Christopher blew a plume of smoke in my direction. “What’s up with you two?”
“Nothing.”
It was clear that neither of them believed me.
“She seemed upset.” He grabbed his phone from his sweatshirt pocket and took a few steps away from me. “I’m calling her.”
I watched his sneakers as he walked out of earshot—green and black Nike Dunk lows—feeling a sense of shame I didn’t understand. What was Daphne going to say to him?
Mason eyed me, shaking his head. “I knew it. I knew there was something about you, River. Something about you that’s not right. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I like you. I just think you’re a liar.”
Christopher returned. “I left her a message. Told her to call me if she needs to talk.” He glared at me. “Because that’s how we do it. Not sure if you got the memo, River, but we come here to help each other through tough times. To listen. Not to try and get laid.”
“Or to slum it with a Mexican girl.”
“Hey.” I took a step closer to Mason. “What’s your problem?”
“I throw up my food.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
His big plate of a face went soft. His voice came out at half size. “Sorry, River. But for real. Be honest. Are you into Daphne or what?”
I looked down Pico Boulevard and its string of red lights and decided to tell the truth. “I think maybe I am.”
“You can’t date her,” Christopher said. “You understand that, right? And don’t try sleeping with her either.”
“That’s not what this is about.” How to admit to them that after nearly two whole years together Penny and I hadn’t ever had sex? Of course I wanted to. But she wasn’t ready and that was okay with me. And now she was probably going to have sex
“Daphne—”
“What?”
“I had a really great time with you last night. Like, the best time I’ve had in a long time. And I’m not sure I made that clear.”
“Yeah, I know. We went to the dance and we made your girlfriend jealous. It was a big success.”
“Daphne—I like you, okay? You.”
“You like me?”
“Yes.”
“Do you know what I did today, River?”
“No.” Crap. I should have called her after the dance. Or texted her. I should have asked her about her day.
“I stole three CDs from Walgreens.”
“Why?” I sounded like Natalie.
She laughed. “Because sometimes I just want things to come easy. And sometimes I just can’t do everything I’m supposed to.”
Again I fought the urge to touch her. “What you did…what you do…that doesn’t change a thing.”
“You like me. Why do you like me?”
“Because…you’re smart. And you’re funny. And you’re beautiful. And you know more about how the world works than anyone I know. And when I’m with you…I…”
“You don’t think about her?”
“No, I don’t. But that’s not what I’m trying to say. When I’m with you…I want time to slow down.”
Just as I said that I heard the gasping sound of the bus’s brakes. I turned around and there it was. Its headlights like monster eyes.
“Well, I gotta go.”
“Can I ride with you?”
“No. Go home, River.”
She stepped onto the bus and swiped her fare card. She turned to look at me.
The doors started to close.
“I like you because of who you are,” I blurted out.
She waved her hand at me. Maybe saying good-bye. Maybe brushing me off. Or maybe, I hoped, trying to say that she connected what I’d said to something true inside herself.
Why did I still love Penny?
It was an excellent question.
I still loved Penny because that was how I saw myself, as someone who loved Penny Brockaway, and I didn’t know how to be somebody different. I still loved Penny because loving her gave my life purpose. I was really, really good at loving Penny. I still loved Penny because I was afraid not to.
After the bus doors closed behind Daphne, I walked back toward A Second Chance. Mason and Christopher stood out on the sidewalk. Christopher blew a plume of smoke in my direction. “What’s up with you two?”
“Nothing.”
It was clear that neither of them believed me.
“She seemed upset.” He grabbed his phone from his sweatshirt pocket and took a few steps away from me. “I’m calling her.”
I watched his sneakers as he walked out of earshot—green and black Nike Dunk lows—feeling a sense of shame I didn’t understand. What was Daphne going to say to him?
Mason eyed me, shaking his head. “I knew it. I knew there was something about you, River. Something about you that’s not right. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I like you. I just think you’re a liar.”
Christopher returned. “I left her a message. Told her to call me if she needs to talk.” He glared at me. “Because that’s how we do it. Not sure if you got the memo, River, but we come here to help each other through tough times. To listen. Not to try and get laid.”
“Or to slum it with a Mexican girl.”
“Hey.” I took a step closer to Mason. “What’s your problem?”
“I throw up my food.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
His big plate of a face went soft. His voice came out at half size. “Sorry, River. But for real. Be honest. Are you into Daphne or what?”
I looked down Pico Boulevard and its string of red lights and decided to tell the truth. “I think maybe I am.”
“You can’t date her,” Christopher said. “You understand that, right? And don’t try sleeping with her either.”
“That’s not what this is about.” How to admit to them that after nearly two whole years together Penny and I hadn’t ever had sex? Of course I wanted to. But she wasn’t ready and that was okay with me. And now she was probably going to have sex
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