go after him or anything. Please don’t think that I was going after the guy you liked.”
“I’m not upset, I don’t care if Ryan likes you,” Vicky replied. “Things are going well with me and Will. And I know Ryan likes you because he told me himself. Apparently, he’s been too shy to approach you. He doesn’t want to wait too long, though, because the trip will be over in a week. So he’ll definitely say something to you soon. I think he’s just working up the courage.”
“I don’t know what I’m going to say,” I replied. “You know my rule about high school guys.” I paused, then smiled mischievously at her. “Although I must admit, Ryan is really cute, especially now that he’s lost that Goth look.”
She smiled back, hunching her shoulders with excitement. “Well, think about it anyhow. He’s really into you, and he’s a great catch!” She paused then winked. “And remember, he’s not in high school anymore. He’s a college guy, the kind of older guy you like!”
After saying goodnight and retiring to our wooden bunk beds, I thought about what Vicky had said. I thought about Ryan, and how I would react if he shared his feelings with me. Maybe this time I should just allow myself to go with the flow. Since meeting Tom, I’d given up on all other guys, and I wondered if I was selling myself short. I had gone farther with Tom than anyone else, and I had more experience now. He’d earned my trust and I loved him, but maybe I should see what it was like with another guy before I returned home.
Those brief but betraying thoughts began to get the best of me. I’d been loyal to Tom while we were together, and yet he was sleeping with someone else. He was going home to another woman every day. He had both his wife and me, and he seemed to be okay with that. He said that he loved me in a more pure way than he loved his wife, and that he wanted to be with me, but was that the truth? Could I trust him? And even if I did – even if it was the truth – he still went back to her, and where did that leave me? The image of Tom lying in bed, lovingly embraced by his wife, was just too much for me to bear.
Maybe it was time to turn the tables and let Tom feel what I was feeling: embittered by circumstances and increasingly jealous of his wife. Maybe it was time for me to get out there and see what the rest of the male world had to offer. I decided I would let myself go with the flow. If the flow led me to Ryan’s arms temporarily, then so be it.
***
The next day, Ryan confessed his feelings for me, like Vicky had said he would, and I went along with it, as I’d told myself I should do. We started spending a lot of time together, holding hands during outings at historic sites like the battlefield at Waterloo, and sharing a booth at dinners. He even carried me into the warm Mediterranean waters in the city of Nice in Southern France.
The experience couldn’t have been more romantic, but I had no genuine feelings for Ryan. He was a way for me to explore my feelings, and nothing else – a test for me to see how it would feel to be with another guy. I was guarded with Ryan, and didn’t feel any physical response to his touch. In fact, I didn’t even enjoy his kisses.
The first time our lips met we were on the tour bus and in the midst of the beauty of the Swiss Alps; the bus had just entered a deep, dark, and long tunnel that cut across a range of mountains, and Ryan gently took my face into his hands and engulfed my lips into his. I didn’t respond immediately, but then I recalled the decision I had made to go with the flow. My lips began to relax and I followed the movement of Ryan’s lips. It felt awkward and out of sync, but I went with the flow.
As soon as we reached Geneva, Switzerland’s breathtaking and colorful capital, I left the main group of students to find a payphone. I was immensely desperate – my heart ached to hear Tom’s voice, to clearly remember his lips, his
“I’m not upset, I don’t care if Ryan likes you,” Vicky replied. “Things are going well with me and Will. And I know Ryan likes you because he told me himself. Apparently, he’s been too shy to approach you. He doesn’t want to wait too long, though, because the trip will be over in a week. So he’ll definitely say something to you soon. I think he’s just working up the courage.”
“I don’t know what I’m going to say,” I replied. “You know my rule about high school guys.” I paused, then smiled mischievously at her. “Although I must admit, Ryan is really cute, especially now that he’s lost that Goth look.”
She smiled back, hunching her shoulders with excitement. “Well, think about it anyhow. He’s really into you, and he’s a great catch!” She paused then winked. “And remember, he’s not in high school anymore. He’s a college guy, the kind of older guy you like!”
After saying goodnight and retiring to our wooden bunk beds, I thought about what Vicky had said. I thought about Ryan, and how I would react if he shared his feelings with me. Maybe this time I should just allow myself to go with the flow. Since meeting Tom, I’d given up on all other guys, and I wondered if I was selling myself short. I had gone farther with Tom than anyone else, and I had more experience now. He’d earned my trust and I loved him, but maybe I should see what it was like with another guy before I returned home.
Those brief but betraying thoughts began to get the best of me. I’d been loyal to Tom while we were together, and yet he was sleeping with someone else. He was going home to another woman every day. He had both his wife and me, and he seemed to be okay with that. He said that he loved me in a more pure way than he loved his wife, and that he wanted to be with me, but was that the truth? Could I trust him? And even if I did – even if it was the truth – he still went back to her, and where did that leave me? The image of Tom lying in bed, lovingly embraced by his wife, was just too much for me to bear.
Maybe it was time to turn the tables and let Tom feel what I was feeling: embittered by circumstances and increasingly jealous of his wife. Maybe it was time for me to get out there and see what the rest of the male world had to offer. I decided I would let myself go with the flow. If the flow led me to Ryan’s arms temporarily, then so be it.
***
The next day, Ryan confessed his feelings for me, like Vicky had said he would, and I went along with it, as I’d told myself I should do. We started spending a lot of time together, holding hands during outings at historic sites like the battlefield at Waterloo, and sharing a booth at dinners. He even carried me into the warm Mediterranean waters in the city of Nice in Southern France.
The experience couldn’t have been more romantic, but I had no genuine feelings for Ryan. He was a way for me to explore my feelings, and nothing else – a test for me to see how it would feel to be with another guy. I was guarded with Ryan, and didn’t feel any physical response to his touch. In fact, I didn’t even enjoy his kisses.
The first time our lips met we were on the tour bus and in the midst of the beauty of the Swiss Alps; the bus had just entered a deep, dark, and long tunnel that cut across a range of mountains, and Ryan gently took my face into his hands and engulfed my lips into his. I didn’t respond immediately, but then I recalled the decision I had made to go with the flow. My lips began to relax and I followed the movement of Ryan’s lips. It felt awkward and out of sync, but I went with the flow.
As soon as we reached Geneva, Switzerland’s breathtaking and colorful capital, I left the main group of students to find a payphone. I was immensely desperate – my heart ached to hear Tom’s voice, to clearly remember his lips, his
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