family?
You’ve never understood me, Connie said, and her heart ached because already her prescient self had walked forward down the long corridor of the future and understood the hardship that lay ahead. What’s going to happen to us?
Harlan crouched and held his arms out to his son with such little confidence Theo thought better of it and stayed where he was, attached to his mother’s leg. Harlan rose again. I’m going to work as hard as I can to make it up to you, he said.
Connie walked over to a wall and slid down with her back against it and sat on the floor, her elbows resting on her knees. Theo squirmed his way onto her lap. Connie hugged her son. Inhaled the warm fabric smell of his head. Do you know, she said, slightly amused, as if it had just occurred to her, that I thought of killing myself recently?
Oh, Connie, Harlan said, and his voice was beseeching.
Not seriously, she said. Not really. Just out of some malaise, the thought struck me. But then I didn’t think I had any reason to be depressed. I mean, I have everything, right? A beautiful house, faithful husband, three healthy kids in five years. Do you know what it’s like to be so full of life you squirt breast milk halfway across the room? I thought, I am at the very centre of this family. I mean, I am so necessary to this life we have together, so integral. This big life we have, Emma and Si and Theo, it all literally came out of me, out of my body. And yet I’ve never felt so invisible either, so unimportant. I’m just a mother. People don’t respect that. People don’t even open the door for a pregnant woman anymore. I saw a pregnant woman hitchhiking in the rain the other day. Oh my God, I should have picked her up!
Connie stopped talking and the stark emptiness of the store struck her as embarrassingly obvious. Does the whole town know about this?
Harlan shook his head. I don’t think so. He was fussing with a loose thread on the outside seam of his blue pants. A dark hourglass shape walked past the window from left to right. Fingerprints and smudges glowed on the glass. The sun was too harsh, it was peeling everything back.
Stop that! Connie said. Stop that goddamn fiddling! Can’t you control yourself?
Don’t swear at me! Harlan yelled back and grabbed at his hair.
No, Mama! Theo said and raised his hand and smacked Connie on the nose.
Ow! Connie shouted and shoved her son onto the floor and stood up and watched him roll onto his stomach and kick the floor in a parody of outrage. I’m sorry, sweetie, she said, crouching down again and rubbing his back. I didn’t mean to do that.
Harlan took a step forward, towards this unhappy, fragile unit of his family, but Connie threw him a look that was feral.
Don’t, Connie said. Get the fuck away from me!
Stop
swearing
! Harlan bellowed, and an instinct so deep and primordial Connie didn’t even know she had was alerted. She picked Theo up and slung him into the crook of her elbow and kicked the stroller around. Harlan bent and picked up the small dark green garbage can and launched it into the air. It soared over her head and detonated the front window. The glass exploded, a waterfall of diamonds pouring over the edge of some place they had never gone before. The noise came after and lasted longer, petering out until it was the delicate tinkling of icicles. It was as if they had been forewarned, had had time to stand and turn and face the solid window to prepare, for a second, before the spectacle of its shattering. Theo was quiet. Connie held him tight, then her arms shot forwardand he hung suspended in the air and flapping as she spun him right, then left. No blood. No cuts. Thank God. She pulled him towards her again and propped him on her hip and rattled the stroller viciously with one hand until it started to close and fold down against the floor.
Harlan stared at the now-clear view through the jagged frame of his storefront window at the parking lot where Connie had pulled
You’ve never understood me, Connie said, and her heart ached because already her prescient self had walked forward down the long corridor of the future and understood the hardship that lay ahead. What’s going to happen to us?
Harlan crouched and held his arms out to his son with such little confidence Theo thought better of it and stayed where he was, attached to his mother’s leg. Harlan rose again. I’m going to work as hard as I can to make it up to you, he said.
Connie walked over to a wall and slid down with her back against it and sat on the floor, her elbows resting on her knees. Theo squirmed his way onto her lap. Connie hugged her son. Inhaled the warm fabric smell of his head. Do you know, she said, slightly amused, as if it had just occurred to her, that I thought of killing myself recently?
Oh, Connie, Harlan said, and his voice was beseeching.
Not seriously, she said. Not really. Just out of some malaise, the thought struck me. But then I didn’t think I had any reason to be depressed. I mean, I have everything, right? A beautiful house, faithful husband, three healthy kids in five years. Do you know what it’s like to be so full of life you squirt breast milk halfway across the room? I thought, I am at the very centre of this family. I mean, I am so necessary to this life we have together, so integral. This big life we have, Emma and Si and Theo, it all literally came out of me, out of my body. And yet I’ve never felt so invisible either, so unimportant. I’m just a mother. People don’t respect that. People don’t even open the door for a pregnant woman anymore. I saw a pregnant woman hitchhiking in the rain the other day. Oh my God, I should have picked her up!
Connie stopped talking and the stark emptiness of the store struck her as embarrassingly obvious. Does the whole town know about this?
Harlan shook his head. I don’t think so. He was fussing with a loose thread on the outside seam of his blue pants. A dark hourglass shape walked past the window from left to right. Fingerprints and smudges glowed on the glass. The sun was too harsh, it was peeling everything back.
Stop that! Connie said. Stop that goddamn fiddling! Can’t you control yourself?
Don’t swear at me! Harlan yelled back and grabbed at his hair.
No, Mama! Theo said and raised his hand and smacked Connie on the nose.
Ow! Connie shouted and shoved her son onto the floor and stood up and watched him roll onto his stomach and kick the floor in a parody of outrage. I’m sorry, sweetie, she said, crouching down again and rubbing his back. I didn’t mean to do that.
Harlan took a step forward, towards this unhappy, fragile unit of his family, but Connie threw him a look that was feral.
Don’t, Connie said. Get the fuck away from me!
Stop
swearing
! Harlan bellowed, and an instinct so deep and primordial Connie didn’t even know she had was alerted. She picked Theo up and slung him into the crook of her elbow and kicked the stroller around. Harlan bent and picked up the small dark green garbage can and launched it into the air. It soared over her head and detonated the front window. The glass exploded, a waterfall of diamonds pouring over the edge of some place they had never gone before. The noise came after and lasted longer, petering out until it was the delicate tinkling of icicles. It was as if they had been forewarned, had had time to stand and turn and face the solid window to prepare, for a second, before the spectacle of its shattering. Theo was quiet. Connie held him tight, then her arms shot forwardand he hung suspended in the air and flapping as she spun him right, then left. No blood. No cuts. Thank God. She pulled him towards her again and propped him on her hip and rattled the stroller viciously with one hand until it started to close and fold down against the floor.
Harlan stared at the now-clear view through the jagged frame of his storefront window at the parking lot where Connie had pulled
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