think you should say about my face and how it doesn’t matter and all the rest of that.”
He’d caught me. “But it’s true.”
“Maybe. For you. For Anthony. But most definitely not for me.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Russell, I am grotesque.”
Before I could say another word, like a drawn sword, up came a finger into the air between us to silence my retort. “In my eyes. Okay? I’m not placing this critique in your mouth or Anthony’s mouth or my mother’s mouth or anyone else’s mouth, but to me, I-Am-Grotesque. But you know what? I am also a strong man. I have a strong will. I want to live and have a decent future. I can live with this, Russell. I can.
I know I can.”
“Then why…?”
“I am not who I was when Anthony and I first met. I know our relationship went far beyond the physical. But it was a factor, there is no denying that. Anthony is a very handsome man. Do you know that most people refer t… referred to us as ‘that handsome couple’ or ‘the best looking men we know’? People were always defining us by how we looked together. My God, Russell, I had a career based on how I looked. But I don’t fit in that life anymore, not the career, and not the couple.”
“Anthony does not care about that and you know it,” I told him, my cheeks sizzling from the fire, from the wine, from the inflammatory words I was hearing.
“Anthony is too busy playing the role of martyr and caregiver t…”
“That is not fair!” I shouted. “You make it sound as if everything he’s done he’s done for himself!
That’s not the way it is. He’s done it for you, Jared!”
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3/15/2011 11:02 PM
“No, no, you’re right,” Jared quickly recanted. “I didn’t mean it that way. All I meant to say is that Anthony is too busy to realize that he is in a relationship with someone who no longer exists. All I am to him anymore, all I can ever be is this…” and again he grabbed at his scarred face with his hands “…this mask. I am wearing a mask I can never take off! Never!” He reached for his wine and downed a couple of ounces as if it were water.
Now both dogs-even Brutus-looked up at us, uneasy with the unfamiliar tones in our voices, knowing something was amiss and frustrated they did not know what to do about it.
“He’ll always be waiting for it to come off,” Jared continued, his voice settling to normal. “And he’ll feel guilty for wanting it to, and I’ll feel guilty that it can’t. I love him too much to put him through that.”
Now he’d really lost me. “How can you say that? I think what you’re doing, what you’re asking of me, of Anthony, is the most selfish thing I have ever heard from you.”
Jared looked at me as if I’d just struck him, his eyes flashing with the pain of it.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I just don’t know what’s going on here.”
“I want a new life,” Jared attempted an explanation. “And that life has to start with who I am now.
Looking like this, I may never find anyone to love me, to be with me, but at least that’s honest. Staying with Anthony is a charade. Can you understand that? I have to leave.”
“Leave? Leave!” I was suddenly incredulous and angry and sad and scared and so many other things I could not define. “So where are you going to go? Are you just going to run away and hide like Kelly!”
Kelly had been my best friend and Errall’s lover for several years. A few years earlier she’d gotten cancer, lost a breast and eventually decided to break off the long relationship with Errall and move to Toronto.
None of us had heard from her since. The similarity to what was happening now with Jared was eerie.
Jared was quiet, and both dogs continued to stare at us with anxious eyes. Brutus looked as if he might bark.
“I’ve thought a lot about Kelly recently,” Jared admitted in a low voice. “About how she just left her problems behind, sloughed them off like a snake does its skin. She
He’d caught me. “But it’s true.”
“Maybe. For you. For Anthony. But most definitely not for me.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Russell, I am grotesque.”
Before I could say another word, like a drawn sword, up came a finger into the air between us to silence my retort. “In my eyes. Okay? I’m not placing this critique in your mouth or Anthony’s mouth or my mother’s mouth or anyone else’s mouth, but to me, I-Am-Grotesque. But you know what? I am also a strong man. I have a strong will. I want to live and have a decent future. I can live with this, Russell. I can.
I know I can.”
“Then why…?”
“I am not who I was when Anthony and I first met. I know our relationship went far beyond the physical. But it was a factor, there is no denying that. Anthony is a very handsome man. Do you know that most people refer t… referred to us as ‘that handsome couple’ or ‘the best looking men we know’? People were always defining us by how we looked together. My God, Russell, I had a career based on how I looked. But I don’t fit in that life anymore, not the career, and not the couple.”
“Anthony does not care about that and you know it,” I told him, my cheeks sizzling from the fire, from the wine, from the inflammatory words I was hearing.
“Anthony is too busy playing the role of martyr and caregiver t…”
“That is not fair!” I shouted. “You make it sound as if everything he’s done he’s done for himself!
That’s not the way it is. He’s done it for you, Jared!”
49 of 170
3/15/2011 11:02 PM
“No, no, you’re right,” Jared quickly recanted. “I didn’t mean it that way. All I meant to say is that Anthony is too busy to realize that he is in a relationship with someone who no longer exists. All I am to him anymore, all I can ever be is this…” and again he grabbed at his scarred face with his hands “…this mask. I am wearing a mask I can never take off! Never!” He reached for his wine and downed a couple of ounces as if it were water.
Now both dogs-even Brutus-looked up at us, uneasy with the unfamiliar tones in our voices, knowing something was amiss and frustrated they did not know what to do about it.
“He’ll always be waiting for it to come off,” Jared continued, his voice settling to normal. “And he’ll feel guilty for wanting it to, and I’ll feel guilty that it can’t. I love him too much to put him through that.”
Now he’d really lost me. “How can you say that? I think what you’re doing, what you’re asking of me, of Anthony, is the most selfish thing I have ever heard from you.”
Jared looked at me as if I’d just struck him, his eyes flashing with the pain of it.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I just don’t know what’s going on here.”
“I want a new life,” Jared attempted an explanation. “And that life has to start with who I am now.
Looking like this, I may never find anyone to love me, to be with me, but at least that’s honest. Staying with Anthony is a charade. Can you understand that? I have to leave.”
“Leave? Leave!” I was suddenly incredulous and angry and sad and scared and so many other things I could not define. “So where are you going to go? Are you just going to run away and hide like Kelly!”
Kelly had been my best friend and Errall’s lover for several years. A few years earlier she’d gotten cancer, lost a breast and eventually decided to break off the long relationship with Errall and move to Toronto.
None of us had heard from her since. The similarity to what was happening now with Jared was eerie.
Jared was quiet, and both dogs continued to stare at us with anxious eyes. Brutus looked as if he might bark.
“I’ve thought a lot about Kelly recently,” Jared admitted in a low voice. “About how she just left her problems behind, sloughed them off like a snake does its skin. She
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