own.
“But I want you to know that the only reason my friends dared me to do it was because they knew how much I liked you.” It didn’t matter anymore if I was embarrassed. Braces, glasses, frizzy hair, rashes … none of it mattered now. It was all superficial dumb stuff. What was important was that Seth knew I cared and that I was sorry.
He still didn’t say anything. But I hadn’t expected him to open his arms and forgive me.
“I liked you last year too, and I didn’t do anything about it.”
That got his attention. He looked at me finally, his elbows on his knees.
“So this year, I think my friends were determined to push me into talking to you more. Into making something happen with a boy that I had this… huge crush on.” My cheeks flamed like someone had thrown gasoline on a bonfire. Hot.
I resisted the urge to fan myself. Or hide my face in the neck of my T-shirt.
“Lauren, you don’t have to say that just to—”
“Don’t make this more embarrassing than it already is.” Now I did tug at the neck of my T-shirt like a five year old. But I did not pull it up to my nose. “I wouldn’t say this if it wasn’t true. Seth, we were friends for a long time before this stuff happened between us.”
“Lauren, I had a crush on you too. And it killed me to think you were just fooling around.” He pushed back the waves that had flopped in front of his eyes.
Frustration straightened my spine. “I wasn’t fooling around. I wanted to kiss you. Thought about it all last summer. Hoped maybe we’d get together this year. But then my friends dared me to kiss you and everything got messed up.” I touched his cheek and met his eye. “I meant everything and I think you did too. Remember how happy we were the day we won Capture the Flag? When you tied the bandana around my wrist …”
I reached into my back pocket and pulled it out—the orange bandana we’d won from Hannah’s team.
“You kept it?” He grinned. That slow Seth smile that you had to work for. That he didn’t show to just anyone.
It made me feel awfully special to have put it there again, if only for a moment.
“Of course I kept it.” I wound it around my wrist again, as I had a hundred times since that night when Seth had done it for me. “Because of my friends and that dare, some of my dreams came true this summer.” My voice caught and I had to clear my throat past the lump. “Even if it was only for a little while.”
“I wish you’d told me about the dare.” He reached toward my hand and rested his fingers lightly on the place where I’d wrapped the bandana.
I stared at that—our hands resting side by side but not connected—and wondered if I’d ever get back to normal with Seth. I cared about him so, so much.
“I’m sorry.” I knew I’d messed up. Knew I’d hurt him when I’d promised not to. “I should have. I was scared you’d think I didn’t really care, that I was like—” I clapped a hand over my mouth, horrified that I was about to bring up his mother.
Seth tugged my hand away, the slanting sun shading the upper half of his face so I couldn’t read his eyes. “Like my mother. Is that what you were going to say?” His voice cracked at the end, reminding me that for all his maturity, he was still a kid. Maybe a part of him still protected that four-year-old who’d stood at his playschool window, waiting for a mom that would never return. “I don’t want you to feel sorry for me.”
I twined my fingers in his, unwilling to let go. “I don’t.” His fingers tugged free of mine and I sighed. “Okay. Maybe I do. But that has nothing to do with how I feel. With why I kissed you. But you don’t believe me, do you?”
“How can I when—” He rubbed his hands over his eyes and I peered into the shadows that shrouded them.
“When you don’t trust anyone?” I finished for him.
Air exploded from him, then his shoulders collapsed. I wanted to touch him, to take away the pain my words
“But I want you to know that the only reason my friends dared me to do it was because they knew how much I liked you.” It didn’t matter anymore if I was embarrassed. Braces, glasses, frizzy hair, rashes … none of it mattered now. It was all superficial dumb stuff. What was important was that Seth knew I cared and that I was sorry.
He still didn’t say anything. But I hadn’t expected him to open his arms and forgive me.
“I liked you last year too, and I didn’t do anything about it.”
That got his attention. He looked at me finally, his elbows on his knees.
“So this year, I think my friends were determined to push me into talking to you more. Into making something happen with a boy that I had this… huge crush on.” My cheeks flamed like someone had thrown gasoline on a bonfire. Hot.
I resisted the urge to fan myself. Or hide my face in the neck of my T-shirt.
“Lauren, you don’t have to say that just to—”
“Don’t make this more embarrassing than it already is.” Now I did tug at the neck of my T-shirt like a five year old. But I did not pull it up to my nose. “I wouldn’t say this if it wasn’t true. Seth, we were friends for a long time before this stuff happened between us.”
“Lauren, I had a crush on you too. And it killed me to think you were just fooling around.” He pushed back the waves that had flopped in front of his eyes.
Frustration straightened my spine. “I wasn’t fooling around. I wanted to kiss you. Thought about it all last summer. Hoped maybe we’d get together this year. But then my friends dared me to kiss you and everything got messed up.” I touched his cheek and met his eye. “I meant everything and I think you did too. Remember how happy we were the day we won Capture the Flag? When you tied the bandana around my wrist …”
I reached into my back pocket and pulled it out—the orange bandana we’d won from Hannah’s team.
“You kept it?” He grinned. That slow Seth smile that you had to work for. That he didn’t show to just anyone.
It made me feel awfully special to have put it there again, if only for a moment.
“Of course I kept it.” I wound it around my wrist again, as I had a hundred times since that night when Seth had done it for me. “Because of my friends and that dare, some of my dreams came true this summer.” My voice caught and I had to clear my throat past the lump. “Even if it was only for a little while.”
“I wish you’d told me about the dare.” He reached toward my hand and rested his fingers lightly on the place where I’d wrapped the bandana.
I stared at that—our hands resting side by side but not connected—and wondered if I’d ever get back to normal with Seth. I cared about him so, so much.
“I’m sorry.” I knew I’d messed up. Knew I’d hurt him when I’d promised not to. “I should have. I was scared you’d think I didn’t really care, that I was like—” I clapped a hand over my mouth, horrified that I was about to bring up his mother.
Seth tugged my hand away, the slanting sun shading the upper half of his face so I couldn’t read his eyes. “Like my mother. Is that what you were going to say?” His voice cracked at the end, reminding me that for all his maturity, he was still a kid. Maybe a part of him still protected that four-year-old who’d stood at his playschool window, waiting for a mom that would never return. “I don’t want you to feel sorry for me.”
I twined my fingers in his, unwilling to let go. “I don’t.” His fingers tugged free of mine and I sighed. “Okay. Maybe I do. But that has nothing to do with how I feel. With why I kissed you. But you don’t believe me, do you?”
“How can I when—” He rubbed his hands over his eyes and I peered into the shadows that shrouded them.
“When you don’t trust anyone?” I finished for him.
Air exploded from him, then his shoulders collapsed. I wanted to touch him, to take away the pain my words
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