Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living by Pema Chödrön Page A
Authors: Pema Chödrön
Tags: Tibetan Buddhism
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action is a fourfold process by which we learn to see honestly what we do and develop a yearning to take off those dark glasses, take out those earplugs, take off that armor and experience the world fully. It’s yet again another method for letting go of holding back, another method for opening rather than closing down.
1. R EGRET. So, first, regret. Because of mindfulness and seeing what you do, which is the result of your practice, it gets harder and harder to hide from yourself. Well, that turns out to be extremely good news, and it leads to being able to see neurosis as neurosis—not as a condemnation of yourself but as something that benefits you. Regret implies that you’re tired of armoring yourself, tired of eating poison, tired of yelling at someone each time you feel threatened, tired of talking to yourself for hours each time you don’t like the way someone else does something, tired of this constant complaint to yourself. Nobody else has to give you a hard time. Nobody has to tell you. Through keeping your eyes open, you yourself get tired of your neurosis. That’s the idea of regret.
Once someone who had done something that he really regretted went to his teacher and explained the whole thing. The teacher said, “It’s good that you feel that regret. You have to acknowledge what you do. It’s much better that you see that you harmed somebody than that you protect yourself from that. But you only get two minutes for regret.” That’s a good thing to remember because otherwise you might flagellate yourself—“Oy vey, Oy vey”
2. R EFRAINING. The second part of confessing neurotic action is refraining. It’s painful when you see how in spite of everything you continue in your neurosis; sometimes it has to wear itself out like an old shoe. However, refraining is very helpful as long as you don’t impose too authoritarian a voice on yourself. Refraining is not a New Year’s resolution, not a setup where you plan your next failure by saying, “I see what I do and I will never do it again,” and then you feel pretty bad when you do it again within the half hour.
Refraining comes about spontaneously when you see how your neurotic action works. You may say to yourself, “It would still feel good; it still looks like it would be fun,” but you refrain because you already know the chain reaction of misery that it sets off. The initial bite, or the initial drink, or the initial harsh word might give you some feeling of well-being, but it’s followed by the chain reaction of misery that you’ve been through not once but five thousand times. So refraining is a natural thing that comes from the fact that we have basic wisdom in us. It’s important to remember that refraining is not harsh, like yelling at yourself or making yourself do something you don’t want to do. It’s gentle; at the very most, you say to yourself, “One day at a time.”
3. R EMEDIAL ACTION. The third part of confessing your neurotic activity is remedial action, doing something about the whole thing, doing some kind of practice to water the seed of wisdom, giving it the necessary moisture to grow. To see neurosis as neurosis, to have a sense of regret and to refrain, and then to do the practice helps to purify the whole situation. The practice traditionally suggested is to take refuge in the three jewels—the Buddha, the dharma, and the sangha.
To take refuge in the Buddha is to take refuge in someone who let go of holding back, just as you can do. To take refuge in the dharma is to take refuge in all the teachings that encourage you and nurture your inherent ability to let go of holding back. And to take refuge in the sangha is to take refuge in the community of people who share this longing to let go and open rather than shield themselves. The support that we give each other as practitioners is not the usual kind of samsaric support in which we all join the same team and complain about someone else. It’s more that
1. R EGRET. So, first, regret. Because of mindfulness and seeing what you do, which is the result of your practice, it gets harder and harder to hide from yourself. Well, that turns out to be extremely good news, and it leads to being able to see neurosis as neurosis—not as a condemnation of yourself but as something that benefits you. Regret implies that you’re tired of armoring yourself, tired of eating poison, tired of yelling at someone each time you feel threatened, tired of talking to yourself for hours each time you don’t like the way someone else does something, tired of this constant complaint to yourself. Nobody else has to give you a hard time. Nobody has to tell you. Through keeping your eyes open, you yourself get tired of your neurosis. That’s the idea of regret.
Once someone who had done something that he really regretted went to his teacher and explained the whole thing. The teacher said, “It’s good that you feel that regret. You have to acknowledge what you do. It’s much better that you see that you harmed somebody than that you protect yourself from that. But you only get two minutes for regret.” That’s a good thing to remember because otherwise you might flagellate yourself—“Oy vey, Oy vey”
2. R EFRAINING. The second part of confessing neurotic action is refraining. It’s painful when you see how in spite of everything you continue in your neurosis; sometimes it has to wear itself out like an old shoe. However, refraining is very helpful as long as you don’t impose too authoritarian a voice on yourself. Refraining is not a New Year’s resolution, not a setup where you plan your next failure by saying, “I see what I do and I will never do it again,” and then you feel pretty bad when you do it again within the half hour.
Refraining comes about spontaneously when you see how your neurotic action works. You may say to yourself, “It would still feel good; it still looks like it would be fun,” but you refrain because you already know the chain reaction of misery that it sets off. The initial bite, or the initial drink, or the initial harsh word might give you some feeling of well-being, but it’s followed by the chain reaction of misery that you’ve been through not once but five thousand times. So refraining is a natural thing that comes from the fact that we have basic wisdom in us. It’s important to remember that refraining is not harsh, like yelling at yourself or making yourself do something you don’t want to do. It’s gentle; at the very most, you say to yourself, “One day at a time.”
3. R EMEDIAL ACTION. The third part of confessing your neurotic activity is remedial action, doing something about the whole thing, doing some kind of practice to water the seed of wisdom, giving it the necessary moisture to grow. To see neurosis as neurosis, to have a sense of regret and to refrain, and then to do the practice helps to purify the whole situation. The practice traditionally suggested is to take refuge in the three jewels—the Buddha, the dharma, and the sangha.
To take refuge in the Buddha is to take refuge in someone who let go of holding back, just as you can do. To take refuge in the dharma is to take refuge in all the teachings that encourage you and nurture your inherent ability to let go of holding back. And to take refuge in the sangha is to take refuge in the community of people who share this longing to let go and open rather than shield themselves. The support that we give each other as practitioners is not the usual kind of samsaric support in which we all join the same team and complain about someone else. It’s more that
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