Richard. What do you want me to do with the gun?”
Richard rolled his eyes. “Oh, my, what a straight line.” His face hardened. “I want you to do absolutely nothing with the gun. I want you to take the gun out of here and forget you ever showed it to me. Because I certainly intend to. In the very unlikely event it becomes necessary to worry about the gun, we will worry about it then. But, until such a time, I would prefer to pretend that it doesn’t exist. Is that agreeable to you?”
“Sure.”
“And you will cease and desist in attempting to match any bullets from it with any bullets from any known felonies?”
“I promise.”
25
I N M AC A ULLIF ’ S CASE , I LED with Jersey Girl taking her clothes off. I figured it was the only thing that would keep him from throwing me out of his office. I figured right. He was coming around his desk just as I got to her dropping her robe. He broke stride, said, “What was she wearing underneath?”
“Nothing?”
“She was naked?”
“As a jaybird.”
“Fuck the jaybird. What did she look like?”
“Prominent nipples. Dark and pointed. She recently had a bikini wax.”
“She spread her legs?”
“MacAullif.”
“Just asking.”
“She was standing up.”
“And?”
“What do you mean, ‘and?’”
“What happened then?”
“Nothing happened then. She was trying to distract me from what was going on.”
“What was going on?”
“Nothing was going on. I was just questioning her about her relationship with the decedent.”
“What was that?”
“She was his girlfriend.”
“Full time?”
“She wasn’t living with him.”
“She seem broken up?”
“Not particularly. She went right back to work.”
“What’s she do?”
“She’s a hairdresser.”
“With big tits?”
“It’s a prerequisite.”
“And why were you questioning her?”
“Why don’t you sit down.”
“Why?”
“Keeps you calm. Sit down, play with a couple of cigars. Make you feel better.”
“I feel just fine.”
“Make me feel better.”
“And why don’t you feel well?”
“Are you kidding me? I’m a defendant in a murder case.”
“No, why would you feel better about me sitting down?”
“Did you see yourself coming around the desk? If this girl hadn’t happened to be nude I would probably be dead.”
“You gonna tell me why she took her clothes off?”
“If you want me to speculate on women’s motivations. I mean, who knows why they do what they do.”
“From your evasion this must be pretty bad.”
“Well, it’s not good.”
“I’m on a new blood pressure medication. I haven’t really had a chance to test it.”
“I’m glad to be of help.”
“I’m not amused. What did you do that’s so bad you want me sitting down when I hear it?”
“Why don’t you sit down and I’ll tell you?”
MacAullif took a deep breath, exhaled slowly through his teeth. It sounded somewhat like a steam engine. He marched around his desk and plunked himself in his chair. “Okay. Shoot.”
“Funny you should say that.”
I resisted the temptation to pull the gun. Instead, as gently as possible, I broke the news to MacAullif of my latest adventure into the realm of the absurd.
Needless to say he wasn’t thrilled. “You impersonated a police officer and appropriated a murder weapon?”
“I didn’t impersonate anybody. I wore a suit and said ‘we’. If the woman thought I was a cop, that’s hardly my fault.”
“Bullshit. What reason did you give her for taking the gun?”
“I told her it needed to be tested in order to determine if it was used in the shooting. Which happens to be true.”
“What excuse did you give for not taking her in?”
“It was a favor for showing me her tits.”
“I’m serious.”
“So am I. I didn’t say that, but that’s the way she read it.”
“I should turn you in.”
“Yeah, but you can’t. It’s the fruit of the poisonous tree. I got onto her because she’s the girlfriend of
Richard rolled his eyes. “Oh, my, what a straight line.” His face hardened. “I want you to do absolutely nothing with the gun. I want you to take the gun out of here and forget you ever showed it to me. Because I certainly intend to. In the very unlikely event it becomes necessary to worry about the gun, we will worry about it then. But, until such a time, I would prefer to pretend that it doesn’t exist. Is that agreeable to you?”
“Sure.”
“And you will cease and desist in attempting to match any bullets from it with any bullets from any known felonies?”
“I promise.”
25
I N M AC A ULLIF ’ S CASE , I LED with Jersey Girl taking her clothes off. I figured it was the only thing that would keep him from throwing me out of his office. I figured right. He was coming around his desk just as I got to her dropping her robe. He broke stride, said, “What was she wearing underneath?”
“Nothing?”
“She was naked?”
“As a jaybird.”
“Fuck the jaybird. What did she look like?”
“Prominent nipples. Dark and pointed. She recently had a bikini wax.”
“She spread her legs?”
“MacAullif.”
“Just asking.”
“She was standing up.”
“And?”
“What do you mean, ‘and?’”
“What happened then?”
“Nothing happened then. She was trying to distract me from what was going on.”
“What was going on?”
“Nothing was going on. I was just questioning her about her relationship with the decedent.”
“What was that?”
“She was his girlfriend.”
“Full time?”
“She wasn’t living with him.”
“She seem broken up?”
“Not particularly. She went right back to work.”
“What’s she do?”
“She’s a hairdresser.”
“With big tits?”
“It’s a prerequisite.”
“And why were you questioning her?”
“Why don’t you sit down.”
“Why?”
“Keeps you calm. Sit down, play with a couple of cigars. Make you feel better.”
“I feel just fine.”
“Make me feel better.”
“And why don’t you feel well?”
“Are you kidding me? I’m a defendant in a murder case.”
“No, why would you feel better about me sitting down?”
“Did you see yourself coming around the desk? If this girl hadn’t happened to be nude I would probably be dead.”
“You gonna tell me why she took her clothes off?”
“If you want me to speculate on women’s motivations. I mean, who knows why they do what they do.”
“From your evasion this must be pretty bad.”
“Well, it’s not good.”
“I’m on a new blood pressure medication. I haven’t really had a chance to test it.”
“I’m glad to be of help.”
“I’m not amused. What did you do that’s so bad you want me sitting down when I hear it?”
“Why don’t you sit down and I’ll tell you?”
MacAullif took a deep breath, exhaled slowly through his teeth. It sounded somewhat like a steam engine. He marched around his desk and plunked himself in his chair. “Okay. Shoot.”
“Funny you should say that.”
I resisted the temptation to pull the gun. Instead, as gently as possible, I broke the news to MacAullif of my latest adventure into the realm of the absurd.
Needless to say he wasn’t thrilled. “You impersonated a police officer and appropriated a murder weapon?”
“I didn’t impersonate anybody. I wore a suit and said ‘we’. If the woman thought I was a cop, that’s hardly my fault.”
“Bullshit. What reason did you give her for taking the gun?”
“I told her it needed to be tested in order to determine if it was used in the shooting. Which happens to be true.”
“What excuse did you give for not taking her in?”
“It was a favor for showing me her tits.”
“I’m serious.”
“So am I. I didn’t say that, but that’s the way she read it.”
“I should turn you in.”
“Yeah, but you can’t. It’s the fruit of the poisonous tree. I got onto her because she’s the girlfriend of
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