here …
GARLIC ( Loudly ) Your name’s Red Tape?
RED TAPE ( To Fatty ) Who in the hell is this freak?
FATTY He’s Garlic. Comes from Malawi, but don’t ask him questions or you’ll never hear the end of it.
RED TAPE ( Nodding at me ) I see you brought fag boy along with you again. You guys bum chums or what?
FATTY Look, I’ll be honest with you, Red Tape. My toe’s pretty bad and I need some medical assistance. I mean we could be talking hospital here …
RED TAPE I’m afraid I don’t waste my time with stubbed toes.
SPUD Maybe you could just give me some antiseptic and a bandage and I’ll help him.
RED TAPE I bet you will, fag boy. Bet you’d enjoy it too. Just like you enjoyed having your hair permed last year.
SPUD It was two years ago actually.
RED TAPE Whatever. Time flies when you’re having fun.
GARLIC Why are you being so unhelpful, Red Tape? Our friend needs your help and we’re not leaving here until you do your job!
RED TAPE ( After a long sigh ) Well, I suppose I could do something, but I’m kind of busy right now.
We all look down at the pile of Asterix comics lying on the desk in front of him.
FATTY Please, Red Tape, I swear I’ll never ask you for anything ever again. I swear to God.
RED TAPE ( After a dramatic sigh ) All right, I suppose I could help you, Fatty.
GARLIC ( With much relief ) Hey, shot a lot, Red Tape, you’re a legend!
RED TAPE ( To Garlic ) No problem, Garlic. Just drop your rods and lie face down on the operating table.
GARLIC What?
RED TAPE Well, if this septic toe is as bad as everyone says it is, then we have to see if you and fag boy have been contaminated as well.
Red Tape reaches into the top drawer and brings out a thermometer the size of a church candle.
FATTY Oh my God, what’s that?
RED TAPE Breakthrough in medical science! Plunge this right up your rectum and we can tell immediately if you’re septic …
GARLIC ( Backing away towards the door ) Um … no … I can’t. Sorry, Fatty, I can’t. Um … er … cheers.
Garlic sprints out the sanatorium door.
RED TAPE Now look, if you guys aren’t going to meet me halfway then the deal’s off.
FATTY But my toe could have gangrene!
RED TAPE Rules are rules, Fatty. You and fag boy should have thought all this through before bursting in here and interrupting my lunch hour!
I helped Fatty back to the dorm. When we finally arrived at his bed, I’m not sure which of the two of us was more exhausted.
Fatty then buried his face in his pillow and wept.
Tuesday 10th March
Received another letter from Mermaid who’s obviously feeling guilty for giving me Valentine’s bat yet again. She rambled on about being worried that she’s hurt me and that the only reason she told me about her new boyfriend was that she wanted to be honest and not operate behind my back. (Like last time.)
Not sure if this was something to throw me off course, but she says her new boyfriend is a cricket umpire (?) and a junior minister in her church. She also admitted he’s much older than her. That must be a joke, surely – the umpire bit, I mean.
After reading the letter twice for hidden meanings, I scrunched it into a ball and hoofed it out the dormitory window. I then remembered that I hadn’t told anyone about getting savage Mermaid bat and tore down the steps before my paper football fell into the wrong hands.
I reached it just in time because Rowdy and Gastro were on the verge of picking it up. I gave them a commanding shout and the two first years bolted away like I was a homicidal maniac.
Wednesday 11th March
Dad phoned to say that they have moved back home at last!
My father reckons the whole house smells like a terrible mixture of fertiliser, Jeyes fluid, and Wombat’s cheap perfume. It seems Blacky has recovered well after his stint behind bars.
Friday 13th March
8:30 The Glock called me up in assembly to shake his hand and receive the match ball. I tried to look proud about my hat-trick but as The
GARLIC ( Loudly ) Your name’s Red Tape?
RED TAPE ( To Fatty ) Who in the hell is this freak?
FATTY He’s Garlic. Comes from Malawi, but don’t ask him questions or you’ll never hear the end of it.
RED TAPE ( Nodding at me ) I see you brought fag boy along with you again. You guys bum chums or what?
FATTY Look, I’ll be honest with you, Red Tape. My toe’s pretty bad and I need some medical assistance. I mean we could be talking hospital here …
RED TAPE I’m afraid I don’t waste my time with stubbed toes.
SPUD Maybe you could just give me some antiseptic and a bandage and I’ll help him.
RED TAPE I bet you will, fag boy. Bet you’d enjoy it too. Just like you enjoyed having your hair permed last year.
SPUD It was two years ago actually.
RED TAPE Whatever. Time flies when you’re having fun.
GARLIC Why are you being so unhelpful, Red Tape? Our friend needs your help and we’re not leaving here until you do your job!
RED TAPE ( After a long sigh ) Well, I suppose I could do something, but I’m kind of busy right now.
We all look down at the pile of Asterix comics lying on the desk in front of him.
FATTY Please, Red Tape, I swear I’ll never ask you for anything ever again. I swear to God.
RED TAPE ( After a dramatic sigh ) All right, I suppose I could help you, Fatty.
GARLIC ( With much relief ) Hey, shot a lot, Red Tape, you’re a legend!
RED TAPE ( To Garlic ) No problem, Garlic. Just drop your rods and lie face down on the operating table.
GARLIC What?
RED TAPE Well, if this septic toe is as bad as everyone says it is, then we have to see if you and fag boy have been contaminated as well.
Red Tape reaches into the top drawer and brings out a thermometer the size of a church candle.
FATTY Oh my God, what’s that?
RED TAPE Breakthrough in medical science! Plunge this right up your rectum and we can tell immediately if you’re septic …
GARLIC ( Backing away towards the door ) Um … no … I can’t. Sorry, Fatty, I can’t. Um … er … cheers.
Garlic sprints out the sanatorium door.
RED TAPE Now look, if you guys aren’t going to meet me halfway then the deal’s off.
FATTY But my toe could have gangrene!
RED TAPE Rules are rules, Fatty. You and fag boy should have thought all this through before bursting in here and interrupting my lunch hour!
I helped Fatty back to the dorm. When we finally arrived at his bed, I’m not sure which of the two of us was more exhausted.
Fatty then buried his face in his pillow and wept.
Tuesday 10th March
Received another letter from Mermaid who’s obviously feeling guilty for giving me Valentine’s bat yet again. She rambled on about being worried that she’s hurt me and that the only reason she told me about her new boyfriend was that she wanted to be honest and not operate behind my back. (Like last time.)
Not sure if this was something to throw me off course, but she says her new boyfriend is a cricket umpire (?) and a junior minister in her church. She also admitted he’s much older than her. That must be a joke, surely – the umpire bit, I mean.
After reading the letter twice for hidden meanings, I scrunched it into a ball and hoofed it out the dormitory window. I then remembered that I hadn’t told anyone about getting savage Mermaid bat and tore down the steps before my paper football fell into the wrong hands.
I reached it just in time because Rowdy and Gastro were on the verge of picking it up. I gave them a commanding shout and the two first years bolted away like I was a homicidal maniac.
Wednesday 11th March
Dad phoned to say that they have moved back home at last!
My father reckons the whole house smells like a terrible mixture of fertiliser, Jeyes fluid, and Wombat’s cheap perfume. It seems Blacky has recovered well after his stint behind bars.
Friday 13th March
8:30 The Glock called me up in assembly to shake his hand and receive the match ball. I tried to look proud about my hat-trick but as The
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