would you want to go back there after what happened?”
“What does it say about me if I don’t go back? It says I’m bowing to fear and I won’t let anyone have that kind of power over me. I refuse to live my life down on my knees.”
“You got beat up. How is that—?”
“I’ve taken worse.” I turned my head to the side, my body followed, and I went to the water where all I could hear was its symphony.
He stood behind me, massaging my upper arms. When things were bad at home, I’d always told myself that it wasn’t the end of the world, that I was okay, that everything was fine. And over the last few weeks, I’d been allaying my anxiety with the same phrases. Pressure gained behind my eyes and I concentrated on the sound of the ocean.
He turned me around and put my head on his shoulder, his arms crossing my back. “Please talk to me.”
“It wasn’t the assault.” I took a deep breath and blew it out. “It was the three minutes before, the sounds I heard that won’t go away—footsteps, papers, the clock. Every little noise wakes me up and I can’t sleep. It’s making me crazy, making me wonder if I’m hearing things. And I’m so tired. If I could go back to work for a week or even one shift I could get past this.” I pulled away so I could look at his face. “If she doesn’t reopen I’ll never get the chance. I need to know that those sounds don’t mean that someone’s gonna come out of the dark and throw me to the ground. I didn’t stop my life when dad was coming down on us and I can’t stop now. I have to work it out.”
“No you don’t. You have control this time. You can leave it all behind.”
“I’m okay.”
“No you’re not.”
I wiped my nose on my forearm. “I’m not gonna cry.”
“You already are.”
“I hate it when you do this.”
“Do you think I like this, like being the asshole that makes you talk about him? I don’t. I really, really don’t. But I do because I care about you. A lot.” He brushed a tear from my cheek with his thumb.
“I love you too. Go get my damn book.”
Derek was the only person, other than Mom and Brad, that I ever really talked to about Dad. Sarah was a wonderful friend, but she was more about comforting than getting into the ugliness. Both she and Derek had known what was going on, but Derek understood how the stress made me act.
_______
I stopped at Jericho’s after work. The day was almost over, the earth’s revolution taking away the light and warmth of the sun. It was apparent in the first few weeks of dating him that he felt an affinity for the ocean. I always looked for him on the beach first and nine times out of ten that’s where he was. He meditated there and I could relate. I often went to the water to think about my life or say grace for my blessings. And there were times when we were together and it was quiet that being with him felt like the movement of the tides, a gentle rolling.
He was sitting in the sand. His body was still and his face looked tired or worried. I came within a foot of him and he didn’t notice me. I turned my eyes to where his were fixed and watched the water spread its foam across the shore, bubbles holding onto damp sand until the next wave arrived to replace them. The sun had started to set, copper beams turning to lavender. Pretty.
“Hey.” I sat down beside him. “Exhale. You breathin’?”
He puffed out a big breath and slightly smiled. “Hey hey.”
“Everything okay?”
“Yeah, just thinkin’ about things.”
“Me?” I hooked my elbow around his knee.
“All the time.” He put his arm around my waist. “It’s work related. What’s goin’ on with you? You’re tense.”
“I’m having a problem, need to ask a favor.”
“Anything.”
“Can I stay the night? I need to veg, hear the water, and that can’t happen on the fifth floor.”
He pushed my hair over my shoulder. “You wanna talk about it?”
“Not really.”
He rose and pulled me up.
“What does it say about me if I don’t go back? It says I’m bowing to fear and I won’t let anyone have that kind of power over me. I refuse to live my life down on my knees.”
“You got beat up. How is that—?”
“I’ve taken worse.” I turned my head to the side, my body followed, and I went to the water where all I could hear was its symphony.
He stood behind me, massaging my upper arms. When things were bad at home, I’d always told myself that it wasn’t the end of the world, that I was okay, that everything was fine. And over the last few weeks, I’d been allaying my anxiety with the same phrases. Pressure gained behind my eyes and I concentrated on the sound of the ocean.
He turned me around and put my head on his shoulder, his arms crossing my back. “Please talk to me.”
“It wasn’t the assault.” I took a deep breath and blew it out. “It was the three minutes before, the sounds I heard that won’t go away—footsteps, papers, the clock. Every little noise wakes me up and I can’t sleep. It’s making me crazy, making me wonder if I’m hearing things. And I’m so tired. If I could go back to work for a week or even one shift I could get past this.” I pulled away so I could look at his face. “If she doesn’t reopen I’ll never get the chance. I need to know that those sounds don’t mean that someone’s gonna come out of the dark and throw me to the ground. I didn’t stop my life when dad was coming down on us and I can’t stop now. I have to work it out.”
“No you don’t. You have control this time. You can leave it all behind.”
“I’m okay.”
“No you’re not.”
I wiped my nose on my forearm. “I’m not gonna cry.”
“You already are.”
“I hate it when you do this.”
“Do you think I like this, like being the asshole that makes you talk about him? I don’t. I really, really don’t. But I do because I care about you. A lot.” He brushed a tear from my cheek with his thumb.
“I love you too. Go get my damn book.”
Derek was the only person, other than Mom and Brad, that I ever really talked to about Dad. Sarah was a wonderful friend, but she was more about comforting than getting into the ugliness. Both she and Derek had known what was going on, but Derek understood how the stress made me act.
_______
I stopped at Jericho’s after work. The day was almost over, the earth’s revolution taking away the light and warmth of the sun. It was apparent in the first few weeks of dating him that he felt an affinity for the ocean. I always looked for him on the beach first and nine times out of ten that’s where he was. He meditated there and I could relate. I often went to the water to think about my life or say grace for my blessings. And there were times when we were together and it was quiet that being with him felt like the movement of the tides, a gentle rolling.
He was sitting in the sand. His body was still and his face looked tired or worried. I came within a foot of him and he didn’t notice me. I turned my eyes to where his were fixed and watched the water spread its foam across the shore, bubbles holding onto damp sand until the next wave arrived to replace them. The sun had started to set, copper beams turning to lavender. Pretty.
“Hey.” I sat down beside him. “Exhale. You breathin’?”
He puffed out a big breath and slightly smiled. “Hey hey.”
“Everything okay?”
“Yeah, just thinkin’ about things.”
“Me?” I hooked my elbow around his knee.
“All the time.” He put his arm around my waist. “It’s work related. What’s goin’ on with you? You’re tense.”
“I’m having a problem, need to ask a favor.”
“Anything.”
“Can I stay the night? I need to veg, hear the water, and that can’t happen on the fifth floor.”
He pushed my hair over my shoulder. “You wanna talk about it?”
“Not really.”
He rose and pulled me up.
Similar Books
