Something Right Behind Her by Claire Hollander Page B

was taking it all in, smiling, but with the eyes betraying just that
slight amusement.
    It was that look
that made me start to freak out. I was afraid it was something Eve would see,
and then...who knew what? I’d been so careful to never let Eve know that it
took courage for me to come see her. How could it take courage just to look at
her, when every day she had to be her?
    Then, Gayle
picked up a curl from Eve’s pillow, inspected its bottle-shaped perfection, and
let it drop. I could see in Eve’s good eye, a flicker of something - fear
maybe? She moved her head ever so slightly, in what remained of the reflex to
recoil.
    That was when I
lost it. I found myself getting really emotional, and not using any of Randy’s
strategies for stopping myself, since loathing Gayle with every bone in my body
felt exactly like what I should be doing. I was actually thankful for the hot feeling
of hatred that ran through me.
    “Why don’t you
just get the fuck out?” I spoke in the same fake nice voice Gayle had used when
she asked Eve who had done her hair.
    “What the hell?”
Gayle started to speak but I cut her off. I just repeated my question.
    “I said why
don’t you just get the fuck out? Why did you even come here? Last year, you
didn’t even invite Eve to your fucking birthday when practically every other
girl in the grade was going and now you’re acting all...like you’re close to
her!”
    Eve was getting
agitated. She let out a slight moan. Why wouldn’t she? I was on the warpath. I
wasn’t even really making any sense. Then I raised my voice and said again “Why
don’t you get the fuck out of here!”
    “You’re a
fucking freak,” Gayle said. Then she kind of coolly said goodbye to Eve and
Carol had no choice but to follow along all flustered with her little
cheerleading skirt bouncing along behind her.
    I was crying,
not noisily, but I had tears running down my face. I’d blown it. Now Eve knew
without a doubt I was losing it; I couldn’t handle what was happening. I was
just starting to apologize to Eve when the door opened. I thought for sure it
would be Eve’s mother, ready to escort me out of there, quietly furious that I
had caused any anxiety for Eve. But it was Doug. He had just gotten home and
found Gayle and Carol walking out all upset. “What’s going on?” he asked. He
seemed genuinely alarmed, his eyes round, his usually smug mouth pulled tight
in a grimace.
    Eve knit her
brows in a surprisingly familiar expression. “Andy was defending me from my
arch enemy, Gayle Sayers. She thinks since I can’t move that she can fondle my
hair.” She gave a little chuckle. “Really she just wants to tell people she’s
seen me and I’m hooked up to all these machines and it’s so sad, and I feel
really upset now. Blah, blah. Those are the girls who like to have a good
little cry for me so their boyfriends will pay attention to them instead of
just talking about the game all night.” I was shocked by Eve’s composure, by the
sarcasm about her own situation.
    “I’m sorry,
though. I shouldn’t have said anything.” I was relieved Eve understood where I
was coming from, why I’d lost it on Gayle, but I could still feel my face
getting hot. I hadn’t seen Doug since our fateful night, and now he had to see
me like this. I was already sorry I’d spoiled the evening by losing it, and,
worse even, now Doug knew I was a basket case.
    “Jesus, you
two.” Doug leaned against the door frame, shaking his head. His tan was faded,
but he looked good, like he’d gotten back into shape. I was aware how
ridiculous we probably seemed to him, how hopelessly high school I must have
looked in his eyes. There we were with our hair and makeup on as if we were on
our way to a party, surrounded by all of Eve’s medical machinery. Eve looked
tired out by the whole ordeal, and I knew I should leave. I could feel the
backs of my knees tingling, and a weird feeling, like a belt tightening around
my gut.
    I