that first shroom trip was a replication of the kind of psychic shift that occurs when we are dying—a few moments when we can see ourselves from the perspective of our spirit—then on my deathbed I am going to regretthe ways I have hurt myself. I will regret the frivolity of chasing beauty and seeking validation, the kinds of things I have done to provide an illusion of safety on this planet, behaviors that perhaps wasted my one and only life.
If I wanted to make room for life I would probably let go of these behaviors right now. There is still time. But life is scary. Maybe I just don’t want to make room for life.
One week after Botox the physical results are pretty good. The flu, headaches, and platelike feeling are gone. No droopy eyebrow. The three lines on my forehead have basically disappeared and I can still move all parts of my face. I feel like I’m tricking the world. When I see women who have forehead lines, I wonder if they “just don’t know” about Botox. Then I think that maybe they do know and are actively choosing not to poison themselves. Why aren’t they poisoning themselves? What’s the difference between them and me—that I am game for the poison and they are not going for the poison?
The Botox will only last for three months, and I think I will probably poison myself again in the future. In fact, I know I will. Once I incorporate an element into my beauty routine, the element stays forever. I begin to rely on it to feel okay, the way my spirit wants me to rely on itself to feel okay. But it’s a lot easier to rely on atangible fix than it is to rely on a nebulous spirit, a quiet voice, deep inside yourself. I am wired to reach for shiny things. Physically, the Botox has shaved off a few years. I’m definitely fooling something. Spiritually, however, the Botox has had no positive effects. I still feel fucked a lot. I’m not whole. I’m human.
Google Hangout with My Higher Self
Me: yo
Me: r u there?
Me: i feel empty and worthless :(
Higher self: i kno
Higher self: u only come 2 me when u feel shitty
Higher self: u don’t rly love me
Higher self: jk
Me: i feel like i’m not ok
Me: i feel like i’m not good
Higher self: gurl u r good
Higher self: u contain -------> infinite goodness
Me: idk
Me: i feel like plants, babies, trees, the ocean, animals, and the moon don’t like me
Me: like they r talking shit or something
Me: like they can see through me and kno that i am fundamentally fucked
Higher self: ok u need 2 chill the fuck out. u need 2 sit still. u r already in the light and u don’t even see it. u need 2 start sexting the light bb. send nudes 2 the light
Me: but i feel like my darkness makes me cool
Me: what if i fall in love w the light and then other ppl judge me? what if i get left alone w the light?
Higher self: being left alone w the light is the shit tho
Me: what if i get addicted to the light?
Higher self: guuuuuurl
Higher self: u have already gotten addicted 2 so much shit
Higher self: how much shit have u already gotten addicted 2 on earth?
Me: omg so much shit
Higher self: shld we go thru the list?
Me: lol no
Higher self: so maybe getting addicted 2 the light will be good addiction
Higher self: i think u will love the light! i think u have been looking for it everywhere
Me: ok. and then what happens?
Higher self: rehab!!!
Higher self: jk
Higher self: i think u cld find some freedom in it
Me: i hate freedom
Me: i’m scared of it
Me: i’m scared that i will disappear
Me: like, how will i know who i am if i am not measuring myself against something outside me or whatev? it will all feel so bottomless and infinite. i’m ttly scared of the infinite.
Higher self: yeah the infinite is a freakshow
Higher self: u r a bad bitch who is scared of the infinite
Me: i’m a bad bitch who is scared of being alive
Me: i’m also a bad bitch who is scared of dying
Me: i feel like yoga teachers are always like “focus on the breath” but when
If I wanted to make room for life I would probably let go of these behaviors right now. There is still time. But life is scary. Maybe I just don’t want to make room for life.
One week after Botox the physical results are pretty good. The flu, headaches, and platelike feeling are gone. No droopy eyebrow. The three lines on my forehead have basically disappeared and I can still move all parts of my face. I feel like I’m tricking the world. When I see women who have forehead lines, I wonder if they “just don’t know” about Botox. Then I think that maybe they do know and are actively choosing not to poison themselves. Why aren’t they poisoning themselves? What’s the difference between them and me—that I am game for the poison and they are not going for the poison?
The Botox will only last for three months, and I think I will probably poison myself again in the future. In fact, I know I will. Once I incorporate an element into my beauty routine, the element stays forever. I begin to rely on it to feel okay, the way my spirit wants me to rely on itself to feel okay. But it’s a lot easier to rely on atangible fix than it is to rely on a nebulous spirit, a quiet voice, deep inside yourself. I am wired to reach for shiny things. Physically, the Botox has shaved off a few years. I’m definitely fooling something. Spiritually, however, the Botox has had no positive effects. I still feel fucked a lot. I’m not whole. I’m human.
Google Hangout with My Higher Self
Me: yo
Me: r u there?
Me: i feel empty and worthless :(
Higher self: i kno
Higher self: u only come 2 me when u feel shitty
Higher self: u don’t rly love me
Higher self: jk
Me: i feel like i’m not ok
Me: i feel like i’m not good
Higher self: gurl u r good
Higher self: u contain -------> infinite goodness
Me: idk
Me: i feel like plants, babies, trees, the ocean, animals, and the moon don’t like me
Me: like they r talking shit or something
Me: like they can see through me and kno that i am fundamentally fucked
Higher self: ok u need 2 chill the fuck out. u need 2 sit still. u r already in the light and u don’t even see it. u need 2 start sexting the light bb. send nudes 2 the light
Me: but i feel like my darkness makes me cool
Me: what if i fall in love w the light and then other ppl judge me? what if i get left alone w the light?
Higher self: being left alone w the light is the shit tho
Me: what if i get addicted to the light?
Higher self: guuuuuurl
Higher self: u have already gotten addicted 2 so much shit
Higher self: how much shit have u already gotten addicted 2 on earth?
Me: omg so much shit
Higher self: shld we go thru the list?
Me: lol no
Higher self: so maybe getting addicted 2 the light will be good addiction
Higher self: i think u will love the light! i think u have been looking for it everywhere
Me: ok. and then what happens?
Higher self: rehab!!!
Higher self: jk
Higher self: i think u cld find some freedom in it
Me: i hate freedom
Me: i’m scared of it
Me: i’m scared that i will disappear
Me: like, how will i know who i am if i am not measuring myself against something outside me or whatev? it will all feel so bottomless and infinite. i’m ttly scared of the infinite.
Higher self: yeah the infinite is a freakshow
Higher self: u r a bad bitch who is scared of the infinite
Me: i’m a bad bitch who is scared of being alive
Me: i’m also a bad bitch who is scared of dying
Me: i feel like yoga teachers are always like “focus on the breath” but when
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