said.
"Buttcrack," I said.
"Huh?"
"Buttcrack-of-dawn practice," I explained.
"Huh?"
"Buttcrack … uh, because it sucks to get up so early."
"Oh."
This was not what I had in mind at all.Not at all. My first step to being a normal high-school sophomore was down a manhole, on a land mine, off a cliff, Wile E. Coyote–style.
"Do you want to come in?" asked Scotty
I was still on the opposite side of the screen.
"Uh, sure," I said.
"I was about to get going anyway," said Kelsey.
Scotty got up and swung the door open. He let her out and me in.
"See ya," Kelsey said.
"See ya," Scotty said.
"Good-bye," I said.
Scotty and I didn’t say anything until after Kelsey started her car, pulled out of the driveway, and drove off with a honk and a wave. He sat down next to me on the porch swing.
"So what’s up?"
"Are you guys going out, or what?"
He looked shocked. "Who, me and Kelsey? No. No way!" he said, as if he had honestly never considered it. "We’re just friends."
"That’s not how she sees it."
"Stop being ana hole . No way."
Guys are total morons.
"Scotty, she wants you."
"Well, I don’t want her," he said matter-of-factly.
"Fine."
"Fine."
I pushed the swing back and forth with my foot.
"So why did you come over here?" he asked.
Why did I come over here? Oh, yeah.
"Are yousure you guys aren’t going out?" I asked.
He laughed. "I think I would know if we were going out."
Valid point. I took a deep breath. "Well, you know Bethany is getting married, right?"
"Is that thing finally happening?"
"Yeah. The thing is, I kind of need a date because I’m the Maid of Dubious Honor …"
"Huh?"
"Maid of Honor," I corrected, opting not to explain the joke. "It’s kind of a high-profile position, I guess. And if I go alone Bethany and my mom said it will look ’conspicuous,’ whatever the hell that means. So I was wondering …"
"Are you asking me if I’ll be your date to your sister’s wedding?"
"Well, not mydaaaaaate ," I said, feigning grade-school disgust. "The guy I go with."
"Well, when you put it that way, how can I resist?"
"You know what I mean."
He stopped the swing. "So it’s like a prom. Only with free booze."
"Yeah. And I’ll be wearing a really ugly yellow dress."
"Ooooooh, now you’re talking all sexy."
I like that Scotty and I can joke like this. Scotty is the only boy my parents let me hang out with in my bedroom. Alone, with the door closed. Not that I have tested this by bringing many strange boys home. But one time P.J. came over to work with me on a science project and my parents insisted that he stay in the kitchen. It’s almost as though my parentswant me and Scotty to have sex because then they could catch me and punish me for anormal teenagery reason instead of for my vaguely misanthropic behavior.
"Sure, I’ll go with you."
And we hugged. I was happy. And I was still happy when I called my sister to tell her the news. She was nicer to me than I can ever remember her being. Amazing, considering I called her a bitch the last time we spoke. And when I told my mom, she just about burst out of her twinset with excitement.
Everything is going to be okay. Normal.
the twenty-first
I wasn’t surprised that the Clueless Crew was beyond thrilled that I had asked Scotty to the wedding.
"Omigod! You must tell me everything!" said Sara.
"That’s what I like to see, a woman taking control!" said Manda.
"We can double date!" said Bridget.
"¡Viva la revolución!"joked Hy, to the collective confusion of the Clueless Crew.
And for a few days, I felt like I belonged. That’s why what happened today sucker-punched me in the gut.
"When is your track season over?" asked Manda after homeroom this morning.
"Not until June."
"And you have games
"Buttcrack," I said.
"Huh?"
"Buttcrack-of-dawn practice," I explained.
"Huh?"
"Buttcrack … uh, because it sucks to get up so early."
"Oh."
This was not what I had in mind at all.Not at all. My first step to being a normal high-school sophomore was down a manhole, on a land mine, off a cliff, Wile E. Coyote–style.
"Do you want to come in?" asked Scotty
I was still on the opposite side of the screen.
"Uh, sure," I said.
"I was about to get going anyway," said Kelsey.
Scotty got up and swung the door open. He let her out and me in.
"See ya," Kelsey said.
"See ya," Scotty said.
"Good-bye," I said.
Scotty and I didn’t say anything until after Kelsey started her car, pulled out of the driveway, and drove off with a honk and a wave. He sat down next to me on the porch swing.
"So what’s up?"
"Are you guys going out, or what?"
He looked shocked. "Who, me and Kelsey? No. No way!" he said, as if he had honestly never considered it. "We’re just friends."
"That’s not how she sees it."
"Stop being ana hole . No way."
Guys are total morons.
"Scotty, she wants you."
"Well, I don’t want her," he said matter-of-factly.
"Fine."
"Fine."
I pushed the swing back and forth with my foot.
"So why did you come over here?" he asked.
Why did I come over here? Oh, yeah.
"Are yousure you guys aren’t going out?" I asked.
He laughed. "I think I would know if we were going out."
Valid point. I took a deep breath. "Well, you know Bethany is getting married, right?"
"Is that thing finally happening?"
"Yeah. The thing is, I kind of need a date because I’m the Maid of Dubious Honor …"
"Huh?"
"Maid of Honor," I corrected, opting not to explain the joke. "It’s kind of a high-profile position, I guess. And if I go alone Bethany and my mom said it will look ’conspicuous,’ whatever the hell that means. So I was wondering …"
"Are you asking me if I’ll be your date to your sister’s wedding?"
"Well, not mydaaaaaate ," I said, feigning grade-school disgust. "The guy I go with."
"Well, when you put it that way, how can I resist?"
"You know what I mean."
He stopped the swing. "So it’s like a prom. Only with free booze."
"Yeah. And I’ll be wearing a really ugly yellow dress."
"Ooooooh, now you’re talking all sexy."
I like that Scotty and I can joke like this. Scotty is the only boy my parents let me hang out with in my bedroom. Alone, with the door closed. Not that I have tested this by bringing many strange boys home. But one time P.J. came over to work with me on a science project and my parents insisted that he stay in the kitchen. It’s almost as though my parentswant me and Scotty to have sex because then they could catch me and punish me for anormal teenagery reason instead of for my vaguely misanthropic behavior.
"Sure, I’ll go with you."
And we hugged. I was happy. And I was still happy when I called my sister to tell her the news. She was nicer to me than I can ever remember her being. Amazing, considering I called her a bitch the last time we spoke. And when I told my mom, she just about burst out of her twinset with excitement.
Everything is going to be okay. Normal.
the twenty-first
I wasn’t surprised that the Clueless Crew was beyond thrilled that I had asked Scotty to the wedding.
"Omigod! You must tell me everything!" said Sara.
"That’s what I like to see, a woman taking control!" said Manda.
"We can double date!" said Bridget.
"¡Viva la revolución!"joked Hy, to the collective confusion of the Clueless Crew.
And for a few days, I felt like I belonged. That’s why what happened today sucker-punched me in the gut.
"When is your track season over?" asked Manda after homeroom this morning.
"Not until June."
"And you have games
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