holding my eyes with his. “That’s
total Shit Nat, and you know it.”
I
try to say something, to defend myself in some way, but Ryan puts a hand up to
my face to silence me and continues talking.
“You
know he was wasted that night Nat, he was totally out of it. I was with him, he
could barely stand. He and Jess had argued. He’d been drinking all afternoon,”
says Ryan bluntly. “You really think he could have gotten himself all the way
to Milton Point to meet Jess?” He laughs sarcastically. “Ha, I doubt he even
knew his own name.”
“But
you weren’t with him all night, were you? You told the police you had
been, but you told me that you waited till he had gone to sleep, then left and
went back to your own apartment,” I yell back, my voice growing louder. I walk
to the other side of the room and shut the living room door in fear of Josh
overhearing our argument.
“Don’t
be ridiculous!” His voice is raised now. I sit back down and back myself
further into my seat, now feeling intimidated just by his presence.
“The
police questioned him and they found nothing. She killed herself, Nat. Matt
wasn’t there, no one provoked her. The sooner we all come to terms with that
fact the sooner we can all move on with our lives.”
The
words come out of his mouth hastily. I see the look of horror hit his face, as
he realises what he has just said to me.
“What
do you mean she killed herself?” I ask. I’ve surely misunderstood what he said.
Ryan
crosses the room and crouches down in front of me so that his face is level
with mine. He takes my hand and holds it lightly in his.
“There
was a witness. A local woman. She was walking her dog along the cliff tops at
Milton Point that night. She saw Jess up there standing near the edge of the
cliff, looking extremely upset. The woman said she seemed distraught. She
called the police and told them her concern, but by the time the police got
there it was too late.” He pauses and takes a deep, shaky breath. “Jess was
alone that night, no one was there with her. I don’t think she slipped at all
Nat, the police think she jumped, and so do I. She purposely jumped.”
I
stand and circle the living room as if I’m trying to find an exit, an escape
route of some sort, to flee from what my brother has just told me. Eventually,
I give up and sink back down into the sofa, in the exact same spot that I had
left only seconds ago.
“But
the police said... it, it was an accident,” I stammer.
Ryan
nods, and rubs his thumb across the top of my knuckles; his touch is warm, his
skin rough. I can smell the strong scent of leather coming from his jacket,
accompanied by the fainter smell of petrol fumes.
“I
was at Mum’s house when they came with the post-mortem results. They said that
there was no alcohol in her system, the toxicology report had come back
negative, no booze, no drugs. She was stone cold sober the night she died. Mum
didn’t tell you because it was easier just to let you believe it was an
accident. She asked me not to say anything to anyone and I haven’t... well, not
till now. It was easier to let everyone believe it was an accident.”
“But
the police said that she fell... that she was drunk.”
“No,
the police told Mum they thought she could have been drunk. They hadn’t
completed any tests at that point, it was purely speculation.”
I
stay silent with disbelief for a few moments, before I continue.
“But
there was no note. If she was going to commit suicide wouldn’t she leave a
note?”
“Not
necessarily, not if she hadn’t planned it before she got up there.”
I
shake my head at him, in denial.
“Come
on Nat, think about it. Jess knew those cliffs better than anyone we know. She
wasn’t stupid. She wouldn’t have allowed herself to get that close to the
edge.” He hesitates a few seconds. “Not unless she wanted to.”
The
room is spinning, and my hands are shaking like mad. I’m trying hard to
regulate my
total Shit Nat, and you know it.”
I
try to say something, to defend myself in some way, but Ryan puts a hand up to
my face to silence me and continues talking.
“You
know he was wasted that night Nat, he was totally out of it. I was with him, he
could barely stand. He and Jess had argued. He’d been drinking all afternoon,”
says Ryan bluntly. “You really think he could have gotten himself all the way
to Milton Point to meet Jess?” He laughs sarcastically. “Ha, I doubt he even
knew his own name.”
“But
you weren’t with him all night, were you? You told the police you had
been, but you told me that you waited till he had gone to sleep, then left and
went back to your own apartment,” I yell back, my voice growing louder. I walk
to the other side of the room and shut the living room door in fear of Josh
overhearing our argument.
“Don’t
be ridiculous!” His voice is raised now. I sit back down and back myself
further into my seat, now feeling intimidated just by his presence.
“The
police questioned him and they found nothing. She killed herself, Nat. Matt
wasn’t there, no one provoked her. The sooner we all come to terms with that
fact the sooner we can all move on with our lives.”
The
words come out of his mouth hastily. I see the look of horror hit his face, as
he realises what he has just said to me.
“What
do you mean she killed herself?” I ask. I’ve surely misunderstood what he said.
Ryan
crosses the room and crouches down in front of me so that his face is level
with mine. He takes my hand and holds it lightly in his.
“There
was a witness. A local woman. She was walking her dog along the cliff tops at
Milton Point that night. She saw Jess up there standing near the edge of the
cliff, looking extremely upset. The woman said she seemed distraught. She
called the police and told them her concern, but by the time the police got
there it was too late.” He pauses and takes a deep, shaky breath. “Jess was
alone that night, no one was there with her. I don’t think she slipped at all
Nat, the police think she jumped, and so do I. She purposely jumped.”
I
stand and circle the living room as if I’m trying to find an exit, an escape
route of some sort, to flee from what my brother has just told me. Eventually,
I give up and sink back down into the sofa, in the exact same spot that I had
left only seconds ago.
“But
the police said... it, it was an accident,” I stammer.
Ryan
nods, and rubs his thumb across the top of my knuckles; his touch is warm, his
skin rough. I can smell the strong scent of leather coming from his jacket,
accompanied by the fainter smell of petrol fumes.
“I
was at Mum’s house when they came with the post-mortem results. They said that
there was no alcohol in her system, the toxicology report had come back
negative, no booze, no drugs. She was stone cold sober the night she died. Mum
didn’t tell you because it was easier just to let you believe it was an
accident. She asked me not to say anything to anyone and I haven’t... well, not
till now. It was easier to let everyone believe it was an accident.”
“But
the police said that she fell... that she was drunk.”
“No,
the police told Mum they thought she could have been drunk. They hadn’t
completed any tests at that point, it was purely speculation.”
I
stay silent with disbelief for a few moments, before I continue.
“But
there was no note. If she was going to commit suicide wouldn’t she leave a
note?”
“Not
necessarily, not if she hadn’t planned it before she got up there.”
I
shake my head at him, in denial.
“Come
on Nat, think about it. Jess knew those cliffs better than anyone we know. She
wasn’t stupid. She wouldn’t have allowed herself to get that close to the
edge.” He hesitates a few seconds. “Not unless she wanted to.”
The
room is spinning, and my hands are shaking like mad. I’m trying hard to
regulate my
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