those papers. But now that I’m home…”
“It feels like you made a mistake?”
“I wouldn’t go that far. I… I still think it was the right thing to do. I’m just… I’m lost. I don’t know where to go from here.”
He was quiet, carefully contemplating everything I had confessed. I would have given anything for him to tell me what he was thinking—or to give me some kind of advice—but the sensation of his fingers tangling with mine beneath the blankets somehow meant more than anything he could have possibly said.
He eventually broke the silence, his voice confused as he said, “I don’t get it. All you talked about during senior year was going to college. What changed?”
“It… It’s like seeing a pretty dress in a store window. You buy it only to realize later that it doesn’t look as good on you as you thought it would.”
Jonathan shook his head, his eyebrows furrowing together with confusion. I sighed hard. Of course, he didn’t get it. The clothing analogy wouldn’t have worked with many guys.
“I wanted to go because my mom wanted me to go. I had convinced myself that it was a good idea, mainly for her benefit. But it just didn’t fit like I thought it would.”
Recognition began to dawn in Jonathan’s eyes and he slowly began to nod. “Okay, I get the dress thing. But why didn’t it fit? Was it the people or the classes or…” he trailed off, his eyes losing focus as they slid past me to stare at the wall. “Was it a guy?”
While my first instinct was the roll my eyes, I couldn’t stop the slight curling at the corners of my lips as I asked, “Why? You jealous?”
“Fuck yeah, I am,” he growled, the sound of it sending tingles through my body. “I’m not naïve enough to think that you didn’t sleep with anyone while you were there, but I’d prefer not to think about it.”
I didn’t even bother to point out the absurdity of his statement. After the words left his lips, I could see the apprehension dawn on his face that told me he realized how fucked up it was.
It’s in the past. Just let it go.
“No, it wasn’t the people. The classes, though… Yeah. They might have played a part in it.”
Jonathan frowned. “How’s that? You’re one of the smartest people I know.”
“Maybe in high school I was, but college is different. I just… nothing would click . I was failing nearly everything, and these were classes that were required for my major. I’d study all night only to find out that I was on the wrong chapter the next day or that I misinterpreted the entire text and was left struggling to figure out what the fuck the professor was talking about in class and I just… I just couldn’t do it. I can’t do it.”
By the end of my tirade, there were tears rolling down my cheek and hitting the pillow. I turned to hide my face, embarrassed that I let him see the disappointment in myself that I had been trying so hard to fight.
“Don’t do that, baby,” he prodded as he turned me back to face him. “Don’t be embarrassed. So maybe you weren’t cut out for college—it’s not the end of the world. Trust me. And hell, at least you tried. That’s more than a lot of people can say.”
“I don’t think my mom will see it the same way,” I muttered.
“Is she seriously the only reason you went?”
I nodded. “She never went to college and she’s spent years telling me about how many opportunities she missed out on because she didn’t have an education. And since dad died, all I’ve wanted was to make her proud of me—to make her life a little easier. You know? So I convinced myself that it was my dream as well, even though some small part of me knew that it was going to end like this.”
There was a long silence and I watched his eyes as he turned over my words in his head and tried to figure out a response. There really wasn’t anything he could say, nothing that would make my failure any less of one or my disappointment in myself any
“It feels like you made a mistake?”
“I wouldn’t go that far. I… I still think it was the right thing to do. I’m just… I’m lost. I don’t know where to go from here.”
He was quiet, carefully contemplating everything I had confessed. I would have given anything for him to tell me what he was thinking—or to give me some kind of advice—but the sensation of his fingers tangling with mine beneath the blankets somehow meant more than anything he could have possibly said.
He eventually broke the silence, his voice confused as he said, “I don’t get it. All you talked about during senior year was going to college. What changed?”
“It… It’s like seeing a pretty dress in a store window. You buy it only to realize later that it doesn’t look as good on you as you thought it would.”
Jonathan shook his head, his eyebrows furrowing together with confusion. I sighed hard. Of course, he didn’t get it. The clothing analogy wouldn’t have worked with many guys.
“I wanted to go because my mom wanted me to go. I had convinced myself that it was a good idea, mainly for her benefit. But it just didn’t fit like I thought it would.”
Recognition began to dawn in Jonathan’s eyes and he slowly began to nod. “Okay, I get the dress thing. But why didn’t it fit? Was it the people or the classes or…” he trailed off, his eyes losing focus as they slid past me to stare at the wall. “Was it a guy?”
While my first instinct was the roll my eyes, I couldn’t stop the slight curling at the corners of my lips as I asked, “Why? You jealous?”
“Fuck yeah, I am,” he growled, the sound of it sending tingles through my body. “I’m not naïve enough to think that you didn’t sleep with anyone while you were there, but I’d prefer not to think about it.”
I didn’t even bother to point out the absurdity of his statement. After the words left his lips, I could see the apprehension dawn on his face that told me he realized how fucked up it was.
It’s in the past. Just let it go.
“No, it wasn’t the people. The classes, though… Yeah. They might have played a part in it.”
Jonathan frowned. “How’s that? You’re one of the smartest people I know.”
“Maybe in high school I was, but college is different. I just… nothing would click . I was failing nearly everything, and these were classes that were required for my major. I’d study all night only to find out that I was on the wrong chapter the next day or that I misinterpreted the entire text and was left struggling to figure out what the fuck the professor was talking about in class and I just… I just couldn’t do it. I can’t do it.”
By the end of my tirade, there were tears rolling down my cheek and hitting the pillow. I turned to hide my face, embarrassed that I let him see the disappointment in myself that I had been trying so hard to fight.
“Don’t do that, baby,” he prodded as he turned me back to face him. “Don’t be embarrassed. So maybe you weren’t cut out for college—it’s not the end of the world. Trust me. And hell, at least you tried. That’s more than a lot of people can say.”
“I don’t think my mom will see it the same way,” I muttered.
“Is she seriously the only reason you went?”
I nodded. “She never went to college and she’s spent years telling me about how many opportunities she missed out on because she didn’t have an education. And since dad died, all I’ve wanted was to make her proud of me—to make her life a little easier. You know? So I convinced myself that it was my dream as well, even though some small part of me knew that it was going to end like this.”
There was a long silence and I watched his eyes as he turned over my words in his head and tried to figure out a response. There really wasn’t anything he could say, nothing that would make my failure any less of one or my disappointment in myself any
Similar Books
