felt anything at all. I’ve been numb ever since …
I swallow, closing my eyes to push it all away. Feeling nothing is better than feeling it all. The only thing I want to feel is his love. I want him to make me feel, so that I can be alive, at least for tonight.
A hint of aftershave tickles my nose, and when I open my eyes, he’s right in front of me, his lips hovering dangerously close to mine. I breathe in his air, my lips shuddering from the warmth. He smells so good. It vaporizes the doubt in my mind.
“Do you want me so badly, Lillith? Is it true, what the doctors say, that you’ve been dreaming about me? That you’ve been aching with wantonness for my touch?”
“Yes …”
He squeezes my arm, making me aware of my throbbing clit.
“How much?”
“I want you to take me …”
“Why, Lillith? Why?”
“I need it … I need you to take the pain away.”
He sighs so softly, I can barely hear it, but I do. “I don’t understand you.”
I smile. “Neither do I. All I know is that I need this. I want to feel again. You make me feel.”
His fingers slide down my arm, sending shocks through my body. “Do you feel this?”
“Hmmm …” I moan. “More.”
“Beg me.”
“Now it’s my turn to ask…why?”
“Because if you want me to do this for you, you’ll have to do something for me in return.”
“Which is?”
“I like it when girls beg.”
I suppress a giggle. “All right. Please, Mister Brand … kiss me,” I whisper.
“Good,” he hums.
He tilts his head, his eyes peeking up at mine. Then he moves to my neck. My breathing picks up as his fingers touch my upper arm, stroking me gently. When his lips press down upon my skin, I melt into a puddle.
And then the door opens, and the light turns on. Startled, I scream.
My eyes open wide but then narrow straight away. A bright light from the hallway outside blinds me, so I hold my hand against my forehead and look ahead. My roommate just came in. She rubs her face as she steadies herself. As she looks my way, she cocks her head and raises an eyebrow.
“What?” I say.
She nods, shakes her head, and shrugs. Just like always, she doesn’t speak. Nobody knows why, not even the doctors. But she refuses to use her vocal cords, even though she does have them, and they work perfectly fine, according to the doctor. I don’t mind, I can communicate with her just fine with body language alone. Like now, she basically said ‘what the hell are you doing’ and ‘whatever, you’re nuts’ .
As my eyes drift away from her, I notice my bed is empty. The blanket is scrunched up between my fingers. I’m sitting straight up in bed, and my muscles are all tense, like some idiot having a spasm attack.
And Sebastian is nowhere to be seen.
Relaxing my muscles, I sigh, and watch my roommate walk back into bed.
She must think I’m a lunatic.
Even I am starting to think I am.
Sebastian came to visit me, that I’m sure of, but how did they both vanish? I know he was here. But how is it possible? Visitors aren’t allowed, and I have no idea how he came in. Or how he left.
The doctors are right. I am truly losing my mind.
The bed next to me creaks. It makes me aware of the fact that I’m sitting here, thinking to myself in the middle of the night, wondering whether what I’m seeing is real or not. It freaks me out, and at the same time, it doesn’t. My blood should be pumping through my heart like mad, the hairs on my body should be standing up, and my eyes should be wide, but they’re not. I’m calm and numb.
Always numb.
Numb is the only thing I’ve felt for months. Except when Sebastian is around me.
I sigh again and rub my forehead. “Goodnight,” I tell my roommate.
She waves her hand and turns off the light on her bed stand, since it had apparently been on. I didn’t notice. What I do notice, is that the colors on the walls are gone. The white, unpainted canvas is as dull as ever. I wish we were allowed to hang something
I swallow, closing my eyes to push it all away. Feeling nothing is better than feeling it all. The only thing I want to feel is his love. I want him to make me feel, so that I can be alive, at least for tonight.
A hint of aftershave tickles my nose, and when I open my eyes, he’s right in front of me, his lips hovering dangerously close to mine. I breathe in his air, my lips shuddering from the warmth. He smells so good. It vaporizes the doubt in my mind.
“Do you want me so badly, Lillith? Is it true, what the doctors say, that you’ve been dreaming about me? That you’ve been aching with wantonness for my touch?”
“Yes …”
He squeezes my arm, making me aware of my throbbing clit.
“How much?”
“I want you to take me …”
“Why, Lillith? Why?”
“I need it … I need you to take the pain away.”
He sighs so softly, I can barely hear it, but I do. “I don’t understand you.”
I smile. “Neither do I. All I know is that I need this. I want to feel again. You make me feel.”
His fingers slide down my arm, sending shocks through my body. “Do you feel this?”
“Hmmm …” I moan. “More.”
“Beg me.”
“Now it’s my turn to ask…why?”
“Because if you want me to do this for you, you’ll have to do something for me in return.”
“Which is?”
“I like it when girls beg.”
I suppress a giggle. “All right. Please, Mister Brand … kiss me,” I whisper.
“Good,” he hums.
He tilts his head, his eyes peeking up at mine. Then he moves to my neck. My breathing picks up as his fingers touch my upper arm, stroking me gently. When his lips press down upon my skin, I melt into a puddle.
And then the door opens, and the light turns on. Startled, I scream.
My eyes open wide but then narrow straight away. A bright light from the hallway outside blinds me, so I hold my hand against my forehead and look ahead. My roommate just came in. She rubs her face as she steadies herself. As she looks my way, she cocks her head and raises an eyebrow.
“What?” I say.
She nods, shakes her head, and shrugs. Just like always, she doesn’t speak. Nobody knows why, not even the doctors. But she refuses to use her vocal cords, even though she does have them, and they work perfectly fine, according to the doctor. I don’t mind, I can communicate with her just fine with body language alone. Like now, she basically said ‘what the hell are you doing’ and ‘whatever, you’re nuts’ .
As my eyes drift away from her, I notice my bed is empty. The blanket is scrunched up between my fingers. I’m sitting straight up in bed, and my muscles are all tense, like some idiot having a spasm attack.
And Sebastian is nowhere to be seen.
Relaxing my muscles, I sigh, and watch my roommate walk back into bed.
She must think I’m a lunatic.
Even I am starting to think I am.
Sebastian came to visit me, that I’m sure of, but how did they both vanish? I know he was here. But how is it possible? Visitors aren’t allowed, and I have no idea how he came in. Or how he left.
The doctors are right. I am truly losing my mind.
The bed next to me creaks. It makes me aware of the fact that I’m sitting here, thinking to myself in the middle of the night, wondering whether what I’m seeing is real or not. It freaks me out, and at the same time, it doesn’t. My blood should be pumping through my heart like mad, the hairs on my body should be standing up, and my eyes should be wide, but they’re not. I’m calm and numb.
Always numb.
Numb is the only thing I’ve felt for months. Except when Sebastian is around me.
I sigh again and rub my forehead. “Goodnight,” I tell my roommate.
She waves her hand and turns off the light on her bed stand, since it had apparently been on. I didn’t notice. What I do notice, is that the colors on the walls are gone. The white, unpainted canvas is as dull as ever. I wish we were allowed to hang something
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