Screw the Universe by Stephen Schwegler, Eirik Gumeny Page B

the past? Who did you nail, captain? Some kind of ancient prostitute? Because we still don’t have cures for some of the stuff they were carrying.”
     
    “Are you messing with me? No Purplepants? No Orr? You and Redshirt aren’t doing it as we speak? Is Ashton Kutcher here?”
     
    “No, yes, right, that woman is nuts, and who?”
     
    “You’re going to have to slow it down a bit.”
     
    “Are you sure you’re okay, Captain? You’re the smartest man I’ve ever met. I don’t like this new you.”
     
    “That is the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.”
     
    The captain and the first lieutenant made their way back to the Zdravo, which then made her way towards headquarters. During the journey, Duknerts explained to Tyler that the Zdravo was under the direct command of Major General Philomena Moore, no one by the name of Percival Q. Purplepants had ever set foot aboard their ship, that he and Private Redshirt had never been romantically involved, and, according to the internet, Ashton Kutcher was either a plumber from Lawrenceville, New Jersey, or a drag queen in Reno, Nevada. Duknerts was very confused as to how the captain might have heard of him and wondered just what Tyler thought had happened that would involve a plumber or a cross-dresser.
     
    “This is all so confusing,” said Captain Tyler, his head in his hands. “Get Private Darkpinkshirt up here. I need to update my Facebook status. And a hug.”
     
    “There’s no Private Darkpinkshirt on board...”
     
    “What? Then who updates my social media? What about Crimsonshirt? Is he here? What about Hank?!”
     
    “I don’t...” First Lieutenant Duknerts furrowed his brow. Then he said, “Computer! Get Second Lieutenant Rhinotestis up here. I think I’m going to need some help.”
     
    A moment later, Second Lieutenant Angelo Rhinotestis hovered into the room.
     
    “Holy balls!” exclaimed Tyler. “It’s a floating sack of gonads!”
     
    The voice of the second lieutenant – who was in fact a giant, floating scrotum – exited from an undisclosed location and said, “Is there something wrong with the captain? He’s not usually this vulgar.”
     
    “Ever since he came back from the time machine he’s been acting strangely,” explained First Lieutenant Duknerts.
     
    “How peculiar. We should probably bring him to the ship’s vet.”
     
    “The vet?” asked Captain Tyler. “I don’t want Dr. Porn fiddling around with my bits. Knowing him it’ll probably wind up on the internet. Sodomy! Now that’s who I need. A doctor, not some damn vet.”
     
    “But, sir,” said Second Lieutenant Rhinotestis, “a vet is a doctor.”
     
    “For animals,” said the captain. “I’ve had this explained to me many times. Porn’s all right for a quick fix if Sodomy’s on vacation or something, but that’s it. Besides, I’m pretty sure he hates me.”
     
    “Sir,” added First Lieutenant Duknerts, “a vet is a human doctor. And our vet is Dr. Porn, who loves you dearly, while Sodomy is generally frowned upon, for a variety of reasons.”
     
    “Yes,” interjected Rhinotestis. “He’s... a bit of a butthole, if you’ll pardon the expression, so we tend not to talk to him. Just let him work on the animals and he keeps to himself.”
     
    “Well, if you say so. Testicles have never lied to me before.”
     
    Second Lieutenant Rhinotestis sniffled slightly, then hovered quickly from the room.
     
    “What? Did I say something?”
     
    “You know Angelo’s incredibly sensitive about his appearance!” thundered First Lieutenant Duknerts. “I can’t believe you just said that!”
     
    “He looks like balls. What was I supposed to say?”
     
    First Lieutenant Duknerts pinched the bridge of his nose. Then he shook his head.
     
    “Fine. You’re not yourself. I understand. Let’s just get you to Dr. Porn,” said the first lieutenant. “Corporal Cokkenbawls! Please take Captain Tyler to the vet’s room