history. I’d be running for Senate no matter what. I’ve been pushing toward it for years. The Democratic candidate sent me over the edge. I think Janice is bad for the Senate. And honestly, I think it’s bad for her. Brings out her bad side.”
“I can see that.” My throat tightened again, a knot settling there and refusing to leave.
I can’t tell him. Not before I’ve made up my mind. Not before I have it all figured out. I closed my eyes and imagined that life again. There was another option. To give it a try, like he’d said. A family . I thought of my own mother and father, stowed away in North Carolina, living out their retirement years. I tried to imagine a relationship with John, sitting together on a front porch in our rocking chairs. I opened my eyes, feeling queasy again. There were miles of distance separating us, every obstacle in our way. None of this would be good for me, or for him.
“And again,” he said, “I’m sorry she got to you. I didn’t want that to happen. Sonia?” I looked up at him. “You’re important to me. I don’t want to force you into anything. But I do think Kelly is right.” My heart pounded.
“About the marriage?”
“It’s just signing a contract, for right now. It’s a solid idea. Janice releases the pictures. We say we were married, but the campaign was more important to us both, and we got married in private.” I gulped. It was foolish for him to think of the marriage as protection. Foolish . And when he didn’t know about the baby, it could only mean that he felt something for me, that he wanted the marriage. “The issue of you and me... That’s separate. We can figure that out down the line, after the election.”
“I’d really rather not sign the contract. At all. I’m no romantic, but I don’t think we ought to do this. I can quit. I can work for her. I can do what she asks. But I’m not marrying you for some half-cocked idea about protecting us from scandal. Married or not, we’re facing a gigantic scandal. You should be smart enough to know that. Even if the marriage keeps Janice quiet for a while, it will just be because she’s figuring out more shit to say about me, finding more dirt on you.”
“Sonia, she’s trying to cripple the campaign by taking you away. And the hit would be hard. We need you. The connections you’ve built up, the people you’ve recruited. The supporters you’ve won over. They want you. Sonia, I want you, too.” I smiled weakly. I smoothed out my skirt, wondering how long it would take me to get big. How long was it before anyone noticed? How long before John realized? “You can... you can think about it overnight. Janice won’t expect this move. She won’t expect us to legitimize the relationship.”
Legitimize the relationship, for the sake of what? For some relationship that didn’t fully exist? For a shoddy, half-baked chance of protection? I nodded.
“It feels wrong ,” I said. “And it won’t protect us.”
Hurt flashed across his face for a moment.
“She gave us the week to decide. Janice Howell will release the pictures next Saturday morning, just in time for people all across the country to wake up and check their Twitter feeds. And won’t they love it?”
“This does sound an awful lot like pressure.” He laughed, an unhappy sound.
“We’re both backed into a corner. And quite honestly, I can think of worse people to be married to.” I stayed silent, thinking about the ticking time bomb in my body. The pregnancy put an unwanted twist in things. And it sure as hell explained Kelly’s push for the marriage. She didn’t want claims about illegitimate children floating around John’s campaign, and I could’t blame her. But this was all so soon, before the baby was any more than a small idea, a tiny bunch of cells.
“Give me the day, and I’ll decide. We can make it to the end of this week, and we’ll... do it then.”
“Okay.”
“Can I
“I can see that.” My throat tightened again, a knot settling there and refusing to leave.
I can’t tell him. Not before I’ve made up my mind. Not before I have it all figured out. I closed my eyes and imagined that life again. There was another option. To give it a try, like he’d said. A family . I thought of my own mother and father, stowed away in North Carolina, living out their retirement years. I tried to imagine a relationship with John, sitting together on a front porch in our rocking chairs. I opened my eyes, feeling queasy again. There were miles of distance separating us, every obstacle in our way. None of this would be good for me, or for him.
“And again,” he said, “I’m sorry she got to you. I didn’t want that to happen. Sonia?” I looked up at him. “You’re important to me. I don’t want to force you into anything. But I do think Kelly is right.” My heart pounded.
“About the marriage?”
“It’s just signing a contract, for right now. It’s a solid idea. Janice releases the pictures. We say we were married, but the campaign was more important to us both, and we got married in private.” I gulped. It was foolish for him to think of the marriage as protection. Foolish . And when he didn’t know about the baby, it could only mean that he felt something for me, that he wanted the marriage. “The issue of you and me... That’s separate. We can figure that out down the line, after the election.”
“I’d really rather not sign the contract. At all. I’m no romantic, but I don’t think we ought to do this. I can quit. I can work for her. I can do what she asks. But I’m not marrying you for some half-cocked idea about protecting us from scandal. Married or not, we’re facing a gigantic scandal. You should be smart enough to know that. Even if the marriage keeps Janice quiet for a while, it will just be because she’s figuring out more shit to say about me, finding more dirt on you.”
“Sonia, she’s trying to cripple the campaign by taking you away. And the hit would be hard. We need you. The connections you’ve built up, the people you’ve recruited. The supporters you’ve won over. They want you. Sonia, I want you, too.” I smiled weakly. I smoothed out my skirt, wondering how long it would take me to get big. How long was it before anyone noticed? How long before John realized? “You can... you can think about it overnight. Janice won’t expect this move. She won’t expect us to legitimize the relationship.”
Legitimize the relationship, for the sake of what? For some relationship that didn’t fully exist? For a shoddy, half-baked chance of protection? I nodded.
“It feels wrong ,” I said. “And it won’t protect us.”
Hurt flashed across his face for a moment.
“She gave us the week to decide. Janice Howell will release the pictures next Saturday morning, just in time for people all across the country to wake up and check their Twitter feeds. And won’t they love it?”
“This does sound an awful lot like pressure.” He laughed, an unhappy sound.
“We’re both backed into a corner. And quite honestly, I can think of worse people to be married to.” I stayed silent, thinking about the ticking time bomb in my body. The pregnancy put an unwanted twist in things. And it sure as hell explained Kelly’s push for the marriage. She didn’t want claims about illegitimate children floating around John’s campaign, and I could’t blame her. But this was all so soon, before the baby was any more than a small idea, a tiny bunch of cells.
“Give me the day, and I’ll decide. We can make it to the end of this week, and we’ll... do it then.”
“Okay.”
“Can I
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