10-24 on that lady’s keys.”
“Roger that, thirty-three,” Vic Stramsky said.
“Hey, Vic, 10-91.”
In a moment, Stramsky came back on Channel 3, the one that couldn’t be picked up on any citizen’s police scanner.
“What’s up, Robert?”
“No more fucking Toyotas, Vic. I want thirty days off from Toyotas. That’s the third one I caught already this year, and it’s
still April. No more, you hear? I don’t get what the fuck it is with old ladies and their fucking Jap cars, no shit, but I’m
done with ’em, you hear?”
“Oh-oh, you pissed another one off, huh? Nowicki’ s gonna love that. You tell this one your right shield number, or’d you
lie again?”
“I did not lie.”
“Still stickin’ with that, huh? How you were only off by one digit? I gotta tell ya, Boo, I never saw Nowicki laugh that hard
in all the time I’ve known him.”
“Oh what, you don’t make mistakes, huh? Somebody asks you for your Social Security or something, you never stutter or stumble
around? Always get it right? The first time, every time? Bullshit.”
“Hey, Booboo, it’s only three digits. And you only been wearin’ it for what now, twenty-five years? Huh?”
“Twenty-four six next week. Which is neither here nor there.”
“That’s right, it ain’t. Only two reasons for givin’ a citizen a wrong shield number, Boo, and the first one is you’re so
stupid you shouldn’t be a cop. I have to tell you what the second one is?”
“Stop changin’ the subject, which is no more Toyotas for me, I mean it, Vic. Next one goes to whoever ain’t named Canoza.
I won’t respond, I’m not kiddin’ around, that lady took my balls out, she put ’em on the blacktop, and then she jumped up
and down on ’em with her pointy little shoes.”
“Oou you made her cry, didn’t ya?”
Canoza didn’t respond.
“Ohhhh, you bad boy you, you made her cry. I’m tellin’ you, she files a complaint? Chief calls you in, you better be wearin’
your vest is all I know.”
“Huh? How’d you know about that?”
“God, Robert, how do you think? Listen, I’m givin’ you fair warnin’, man. Nowicki’s really pissed about you not wearin’ it.
You come in again without it, he’s gonna make you sit, two weeks no pay, I’m tellin’ ya. Which also means somebody else is
gonna have to pick up your slack, and you know how you love it when you have to suck it up for somebody else, right?”
Canoza said nothing,
“I know you’re still there, Robert. Tellin’ you, man, this was Nowicki’s project. He waded through paper shit up to his elbows
to get that grant. And then he had to get council off their ass to come up with their end. And then he got you guys the best
possible deal for one of the best ones made—and you won’t wear it? Not a good move, Robert, especially not now since you’re
makin’ these old ladies cry. What’s with you, what’d you say to this one?”
“I didn’t say nothin’ to her. She just took it the wrong way.”
“Ohhh, she
took
it the wrong way. Oh, that’s always good when you
give
it the right way but they
take
it the wrong way. What’d she take the wrong way?”
“Hey, ask her, I don’t know. My attitude I guess. Body language. My body language was probably screamin’, hey, what the fuck’s
wrong with a Chevy, you can’t buy a Chevy? Chevys I can pop in thirty seconds—I don’t know, what the fuck, I’m 10-8. Out.”
“Roger that. And remember the vest, Robert, you been warned.”
“Yeah, yeah, warn this,” Canoza grumbled to himself, switching the radio back to the open channel.
“I heard that, Robert,” Stramsky said, laughing.
As loud as he could, to the melody of “Stars and Stripes Forever,” Canoza started singing,
“Oh the monkey wrapped his tail around the flagpole,
To see his asshole, yes he did.
And the monkey saw the people that were up there,
With their numb nuts, yes he did.
So the monkey took a dump beside
“Roger that, thirty-three,” Vic Stramsky said.
“Hey, Vic, 10-91.”
In a moment, Stramsky came back on Channel 3, the one that couldn’t be picked up on any citizen’s police scanner.
“What’s up, Robert?”
“No more fucking Toyotas, Vic. I want thirty days off from Toyotas. That’s the third one I caught already this year, and it’s
still April. No more, you hear? I don’t get what the fuck it is with old ladies and their fucking Jap cars, no shit, but I’m
done with ’em, you hear?”
“Oh-oh, you pissed another one off, huh? Nowicki’ s gonna love that. You tell this one your right shield number, or’d you
lie again?”
“I did not lie.”
“Still stickin’ with that, huh? How you were only off by one digit? I gotta tell ya, Boo, I never saw Nowicki laugh that hard
in all the time I’ve known him.”
“Oh what, you don’t make mistakes, huh? Somebody asks you for your Social Security or something, you never stutter or stumble
around? Always get it right? The first time, every time? Bullshit.”
“Hey, Booboo, it’s only three digits. And you only been wearin’ it for what now, twenty-five years? Huh?”
“Twenty-four six next week. Which is neither here nor there.”
“That’s right, it ain’t. Only two reasons for givin’ a citizen a wrong shield number, Boo, and the first one is you’re so
stupid you shouldn’t be a cop. I have to tell you what the second one is?”
“Stop changin’ the subject, which is no more Toyotas for me, I mean it, Vic. Next one goes to whoever ain’t named Canoza.
I won’t respond, I’m not kiddin’ around, that lady took my balls out, she put ’em on the blacktop, and then she jumped up
and down on ’em with her pointy little shoes.”
“Oou you made her cry, didn’t ya?”
Canoza didn’t respond.
“Ohhhh, you bad boy you, you made her cry. I’m tellin’ you, she files a complaint? Chief calls you in, you better be wearin’
your vest is all I know.”
“Huh? How’d you know about that?”
“God, Robert, how do you think? Listen, I’m givin’ you fair warnin’, man. Nowicki’s really pissed about you not wearin’ it.
You come in again without it, he’s gonna make you sit, two weeks no pay, I’m tellin’ ya. Which also means somebody else is
gonna have to pick up your slack, and you know how you love it when you have to suck it up for somebody else, right?”
Canoza said nothing,
“I know you’re still there, Robert. Tellin’ you, man, this was Nowicki’s project. He waded through paper shit up to his elbows
to get that grant. And then he had to get council off their ass to come up with their end. And then he got you guys the best
possible deal for one of the best ones made—and you won’t wear it? Not a good move, Robert, especially not now since you’re
makin’ these old ladies cry. What’s with you, what’d you say to this one?”
“I didn’t say nothin’ to her. She just took it the wrong way.”
“Ohhh, she
took
it the wrong way. Oh, that’s always good when you
give
it the right way but they
take
it the wrong way. What’d she take the wrong way?”
“Hey, ask her, I don’t know. My attitude I guess. Body language. My body language was probably screamin’, hey, what the fuck’s
wrong with a Chevy, you can’t buy a Chevy? Chevys I can pop in thirty seconds—I don’t know, what the fuck, I’m 10-8. Out.”
“Roger that. And remember the vest, Robert, you been warned.”
“Yeah, yeah, warn this,” Canoza grumbled to himself, switching the radio back to the open channel.
“I heard that, Robert,” Stramsky said, laughing.
As loud as he could, to the melody of “Stars and Stripes Forever,” Canoza started singing,
“Oh the monkey wrapped his tail around the flagpole,
To see his asshole, yes he did.
And the monkey saw the people that were up there,
With their numb nuts, yes he did.
So the monkey took a dump beside
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