wizzes? Is R Kelly doin’ a new country music video, a duet with this Achy Breaky Heart fool?! Please don’t tell my heart, my achy breaky heart that I pissed, goddamn it! Pam just don’t understand! This damn place ain’t safe no more. Pauline has got to move outta Watts!”
Xenia shook her head at her mother in disbelief.
“Uh, baby, sounds like you’re busy.” She didn’t miss the amusement in Saint’s voice. Apparently he’d overheard the whole thing. “Tell Mama Pam I said, ‘hello’. I gotta go, sweetness. The fellas are waiting,” he said smoothly.
“Mmmm hmmmm .” Xenia twisted her lips. Pam had saved Saint from the inquisition he was about to receive. Once again, her mother had come to his aid, unbeknown to him. “Alright, well, you be careful...” she said dryly.
“Uh, okay. Love you! … Stop it, man! I’m not ready, shit!” and he quickly disconnected the phone before she could respond to his bizarre outburst.
Xenia slowly closed her eyes and leaned back in her seat.
“What’s going on, Xenia?” her mother asked calmly as she snapped her purse shut.
“Mama,” she kept her eyes closed and rubbed her forehead , “I’ve had the day from Hell. You know that television show I’m supposed to start in a few months?”
“Yeah, ‘The Morning Tea’. That’s a boring ass show, you know that? They needed someone like you there , that is for damn sure. Don’t nobody wanna see the old cast from 90210 and all that otha bullshit! Pamela Anderson’s ol’ used up ass...”
“She was from Baywatch, Mama.” Xenia said, exasperated, still holding her forehead.
“Baywatch, hoe watch, watch that show get mothafuckin’ cancelled on my watch! I don’t give a jimmy crack corn turtle shit who it was! No wonder their ratings dropped and besides, it come on like at six or seven in the damn morning. Who is up at that time and wanna see some D-list celebrity makin’ cheddar biscuits?”
“Well, Mama, that’s why they—”
“ They had Kim Kardashian’s mama on there makin’ pasta balls! Don’t anybody care about that woman and what the fuck are pasta balls?! The only—”
“Mama...”
“Balls that woman care about is the ones her money hungry, nasty ass daughters’ juggle in their mouths ’cause she sho’ know them trifling ass bitches are her ticket out! And I ain’t hatin’.” Pam threw up her hands as if in surrender. “Kim is a pretty girl, I’ll give it to her, but let some black woman make a sex tape wit’ Brandy’s little brotha! Hmph! She wouldn’t get wifed up by a basketball player or some big time rapper with a lock-jaw chin knock her ass up. I guarantee you that, lil sista! What is that boy’s damn name? Brandy’s brother.”
“ Ray J.” Xenia sighed.
“ Yeah, Ray J… Ol’ wanna be sex symbol silly lookin’ ass… He can’t hold a note in a bucket, either. His squid lookin’ sister got all the talent but back to Kim.” Pam’s index finger hung lazily toward Xenia’s face as she made her case. “She screwed him on camera, but if it was one of us , we would never soar to instant fame; we’d soar to instant lame! These men throwin’ themselves at them heffas but when we do the same shit, we a hoe...and anotha thang—”
“Mama , I—”
“That one host, Marvin? They need to fire his pompous ass, too! I can’t stand his little hoity toity British accent, either.” She held out her pinky finger as if she were drinking tea. “Someone need to do somethin’ about that man’s damn hair, Xenia! I put that on everythang!”
“Mama, he is a nice guy...I don’t even know if—”
“He might be nice but the honesty police is obviously off duty! Somebody need to tell ’em. Got tha nerve to be sittin’ there all stuck up and rollin’ them beady ass eyes around in his funny lookin’ face. How could they let him go on the air like that?”
“Mama, please...I need —”
“ Look like someone took a can of brown spray paint, and just went
Xenia shook her head at her mother in disbelief.
“Uh, baby, sounds like you’re busy.” She didn’t miss the amusement in Saint’s voice. Apparently he’d overheard the whole thing. “Tell Mama Pam I said, ‘hello’. I gotta go, sweetness. The fellas are waiting,” he said smoothly.
“Mmmm hmmmm .” Xenia twisted her lips. Pam had saved Saint from the inquisition he was about to receive. Once again, her mother had come to his aid, unbeknown to him. “Alright, well, you be careful...” she said dryly.
“Uh, okay. Love you! … Stop it, man! I’m not ready, shit!” and he quickly disconnected the phone before she could respond to his bizarre outburst.
Xenia slowly closed her eyes and leaned back in her seat.
“What’s going on, Xenia?” her mother asked calmly as she snapped her purse shut.
“Mama,” she kept her eyes closed and rubbed her forehead , “I’ve had the day from Hell. You know that television show I’m supposed to start in a few months?”
“Yeah, ‘The Morning Tea’. That’s a boring ass show, you know that? They needed someone like you there , that is for damn sure. Don’t nobody wanna see the old cast from 90210 and all that otha bullshit! Pamela Anderson’s ol’ used up ass...”
“She was from Baywatch, Mama.” Xenia said, exasperated, still holding her forehead.
“Baywatch, hoe watch, watch that show get mothafuckin’ cancelled on my watch! I don’t give a jimmy crack corn turtle shit who it was! No wonder their ratings dropped and besides, it come on like at six or seven in the damn morning. Who is up at that time and wanna see some D-list celebrity makin’ cheddar biscuits?”
“Well, Mama, that’s why they—”
“ They had Kim Kardashian’s mama on there makin’ pasta balls! Don’t anybody care about that woman and what the fuck are pasta balls?! The only—”
“Mama...”
“Balls that woman care about is the ones her money hungry, nasty ass daughters’ juggle in their mouths ’cause she sho’ know them trifling ass bitches are her ticket out! And I ain’t hatin’.” Pam threw up her hands as if in surrender. “Kim is a pretty girl, I’ll give it to her, but let some black woman make a sex tape wit’ Brandy’s little brotha! Hmph! She wouldn’t get wifed up by a basketball player or some big time rapper with a lock-jaw chin knock her ass up. I guarantee you that, lil sista! What is that boy’s damn name? Brandy’s brother.”
“ Ray J.” Xenia sighed.
“ Yeah, Ray J… Ol’ wanna be sex symbol silly lookin’ ass… He can’t hold a note in a bucket, either. His squid lookin’ sister got all the talent but back to Kim.” Pam’s index finger hung lazily toward Xenia’s face as she made her case. “She screwed him on camera, but if it was one of us , we would never soar to instant fame; we’d soar to instant lame! These men throwin’ themselves at them heffas but when we do the same shit, we a hoe...and anotha thang—”
“Mama , I—”
“That one host, Marvin? They need to fire his pompous ass, too! I can’t stand his little hoity toity British accent, either.” She held out her pinky finger as if she were drinking tea. “Someone need to do somethin’ about that man’s damn hair, Xenia! I put that on everythang!”
“Mama, he is a nice guy...I don’t even know if—”
“He might be nice but the honesty police is obviously off duty! Somebody need to tell ’em. Got tha nerve to be sittin’ there all stuck up and rollin’ them beady ass eyes around in his funny lookin’ face. How could they let him go on the air like that?”
“Mama, please...I need —”
“ Look like someone took a can of brown spray paint, and just went
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