Ruby and the Stone Age Diet by Martin Millar Page A

boring.’
    ‘Yes,’ agrees Ruby. ‘I had hoped for better.’
    ‘Should we go home? I’m hungry.’
    ‘There isn’t any food. But we can have some tea.’
    We walk home, holding hands.
    At the bottom of our tower block I think I see Cis but she is holding hands with Fanfaron, God of Electric Guitar Thieves, so we run up the stairs as fast as we can. The police would never be able to protect us from the God of Electric Guitar Thieves, and anyway there is never a policeman around when you need one.
    Next day Cis phones me up and screams down the phone for a while and then she sends me a letter telling me how much she hates me. I am pleased to hear from her. I wonder if she would like me to send her some flowers.
    Ruby is quite sympathetic when I tell her all about it. Domino is with her and they seem to be back together again and outside the next block the old woman is having a friendly conversation with Ascanazl, ancient Spirit Friend of Lonely People. She has made him a cup of tea and is telling him how hard it is to manage on her pension.
    He tells her that she should have joined a private pension plan while there was still time.
    I phone up the people we hire our PA off to tell them our gig is cancelled again and they are quite annoyed about it and say I have to send them some money anyway or they will sue me.
    I wonder if they are serious. I do not want to be sued. I go to ask Ruby what to do but she is busy fucking Domino and I sense that she will not want to hear about my PA problems right now. Another important question springs into my mind however, so I go into her room where Domino is lying on top of her.
    ‘Ruby, about this contact article, I have replied to all these gay adverts and I am not gay. Is this not a bad thing to do?’
    ‘Well, you never fuck anybody these days so it doesn’t really make much difference, does it?’
    There is some logic in this.
    ‘But they are bound to sense something is amiss.’
    ‘Amiss? That’s a funny word.’ Ruby pushes Domino away and sits up, quite interested.
    ‘I’ve never heard you say amiss before.’
    ‘I must have picked it up somewhere. Perhaps Cis said it. Do you think Cis—’
    ‘Will you get the fuck out of here!’ screams Domino, who is probably wanting to get back to fucking, although as he doesn’t live here and I do he has no right to shout at me. But I leave anyway and spend some time looking after Cis’s cactus. I have a book called
How to Take Care of Your House Plants
that came free with six bottles of bleach and I am following its advice assiduously. If Cis was to walk in the door right this minute she would be proud of the way I have looked after her plant, although there is no sign of a flower.
    Then I give some care and attention to Ruby’s cactus, although she is at this moment fucking Domino there doesn’t seem much need to help their relationship along.
    I wonder if I killed her plant would Domino go away? I would like that. But I would not like to hurt Ruby.
    I decide to make a sign.
    I get some paper and write on it ‘Cis’s potted plant,’ but I don’t know where the apostrophe should go in Cis’s because it is always a little confusing when the word ends with an s.
    Back in Ruby’s bedroom Domino has his head between Ruby’s legs and she is looking like she is quite enjoyingherself, but when I ask her where the apostrophe should go in the word Cis’s she edges away from him a little to give the matter some consideration.
    ‘C-I-S apostrophe S,’ she spells out for me, hand on Domino’s head. ‘Anything else?’
    ‘Do you know where the Sellotape is?’
    ‘I think it’s in the kitchen drawer.’
    ‘Thank you. While I’m in the kitchen, do you want me to make you some tea?’
    ‘Not this minute. In a little while.’
    Domino has a terrible scowl on his face and seems to be shaking. I get back to making my sign. I do not really like Domino. I letter the sign with infinite care and Sellotape it onto the pot and I