River: A Novel by Erin Lewis Page B

clueless here as you are—” My agitated words broke off as he placed his
hands around my arms, and then slowly trailed them down to my wrists. I stopped
stressing out about the possibilities of the scene that occurred while I’d slept,
and thought instead of what I was going to do next… what Danny was going to do
next.
     He moved
his hands over mine and peeled my fingers from the pages I clutched, taking
them from me. After he turned me around to face him, picking the chair up , he knelt in front of me. I was vaguely impressed by how strong this
Danny was, but that was my smallest thought. His right arm covered my side while
he held my upper back, pulling me from my slouched position.
     “I kissed
you on the cheek when I was sleepwalking,” I whispered, telling myself again. He
nodded, but there was intent in his eyes.
     “Dan, I
don’t—” He really wasn’t listening as he silenced my unnoticed objections.
     For a
moment, I gave in. I was weak. I’ll admit it. 
     After a few
seconds, the shock and rush of the kiss turned to panic. How could I reject the
only person in the world who had my back? Did I want to reject him? He was
always kind and forgiving. I could be myself around Danny and tell him what I
was feeling without fear of judgment. Dan was magnanimous with everybody,
whether they deserved it or not. And he deserved honesty. If this went any further,
I would be lying to him—and to myself. My hands were against his chest, so it was
easy to use that leverage to push my body away slightly, giving me a little room
from him, and a way out of this confusing mess.
     “Danny, um,
I don’t think I can… right now.” I heard my small voice shake with guilt and
uncertainty. The last thing I wanted was to hurt him in any way. Why couldn’t I
just feel the same way he did? Even if it was only a transient feeling, it
would’ve made things much easier. Well, possibly. Life had turned into
something unrecognizable. I didn’t know who I was; let alone who Danny thought
I was. 
     “I hope you
can understand. This is a fantasy world to me, and I’m not sure if I’m real, or
how I even feel minute to minute.” I tried to explain my rambling thought process
for him as best I could, though was unable to get it out that I didn’t think I
could feel anything but friendship for him. That would’ve been too much for
either of us at that moment. 
     He just
pulled me closer. 
        S-O-R-R-Y.
     “No, it’s
my fault. I just don’t know who or where I am anymore. It’s just so scary.” Whispering,
I looked up from his chest, feeling horrible and trying to prevent the tears
that had begun to form. “Please, please forgive me, Dan. I don’t know what I
would do if you weren’t here. I’d probably be locked up in whatever they have
for jails, or I’d be toast from a Speaker’s Taser, literally—an overdone
tater-tot.” I sniffed into his shirt. “Do they even have those here?” To my
relief, he shook with laughter. 
     He pried us
apart slowly, with the heartbreaking smile I’d grown accustomed to, and looked
to the side for a second . Practice?
     That was
one sign I definitely knew. I sighed and nodded. He was still my best friend. In
the back of my mind, I had always been afraid something would happen between
the two of us and unrequited infatuation. In New York, I had been very careful
to keep a “just friends” distance. It was easier there; he’d had plenty of
distractions. Here, things were different. I believed this Danny was incredibly
lonesome.  
     I had to
put this incident on the backburner. My whole future existence was dependent on
my ability to learn a new language fluently and within hours. Trying to relax
and clear my head of everything but signing, I got to work. Dan changed tactics
on me. He wanted me to initiate the conversations; to ask questions and make
little comments about weather and music. Every now and then, I would get it
right, but not often enough. He