guinea, you should get used to it. Who was the suit on the elevator?"
"Guy named Reedy. The scumbag, as you call him, has him working on these drug killings, some cockamamie task force. Interesting guy, by the way. He's buying me lunch."
"Yeah? He's gonna eat pizza off the truck?"
"Uh-huh. I'm gonna see if he'll spring for two slices with pepperoni. Let him show a little class."
"Ah, these white-shoe types are all dick-heads. You know, you shouldn't be seen with guys like that. People might start thinking you're selling out."
Karp looked pointedly at his watch. "Thanks for the advice, Goom. You wanted to see me about something."
"Yeah, speaking about fucking Italians. Petrossi fishtailed on us."
"What! When was this?"
"Hearing this morning. We had it worked out he would plead guilty on the intentional murder charge and we'd drop the felony murder charges for the other two guys who were killed at the scene. Now he says he wants a trial. I guess he got to thinking why take fifteen, twenty in Attica for free. He could be in there a real long time if we convicted him on all three counts, but he could also beat it entirely and walk."
"Not a fucking chance!"
"We think so, but there's no law against the asshole betting on the come. That's what makes Vegas. Meanwhile…"
"Yeah, we got a trial we didn't expect. But you should be in good shape-you're prepped and all."
Guma inspected his feet and said hesitantly, "Yeah, that's what I wanted to see you about. I'm really strapped here, Butch. I got the Rubio Valdez trial, the world-famous burglar and amateur lawyer wants his twenty-third trial. I got that abduction thing from Washington Heights, I got to go on the appeal in Bostwitch-"
"Goom, what is this shit?" Karp cut in. "This is a multiple homicide. It's your case. The kids can handle fucking Valdez."
"Um, and also there's the judge in Petrossi. Judge Kamas."
"Who? Oh, yeah, the new one they got to replace Birnbaum. What's wrong with her?"
"Nothing, but… ah, there's a conflict, with me. I mean, I know her."
"Yeah, she's a judge, of course you know… Oh, you mean outside. She's a friend of yours?"
"Ehhm… somewhat more."
Slowly Karp's eyes widened and he placed his hands carefully over his ears. "I don't want to hear this, Guma."
"Butch, it was fate. How the fuck was I supposed to know she was going to be moved into Supreme Court? She was a Family Court judge. We met in a restaurant, for Chrissakes."
"I can't believe this. You're schtupping the judge in Petrossi. But now she knows you're her ADA. What'd she say?"
"Well, to tell the truth, she doesn't know. That's the point. That's actually why I can't do the trial. Look, it's a long boring story…"
Karp casually wrapped a long finger around one of Guma's suspenders and said, "Bore me, Mad Dog, I think I need to hear it."
"Butchie, believe me, someday we'll laugh about this whole business. Anyway, the thing of it is, we met in this restaurant, we fell into this conversation about her kid's teeth-she's divorced, right?-a common interest there, and I was giving her all this advice because of what I went through with my kid's teeth. I mean, did you ever see her? Kamas? Forty years old, but a terrific body, you know?
"Anyhow, we were making good progress, a couple, three drinks, and then she says, gosh, you must be an orthodontist, and-so help me, Butch, I didn't think-I pulled out this card I happened to have on me and gave it to her. Yeah, I am an orthodontist, ha-ha, et cetera, et cetera. So she thinks I'm him."
"Who, Guma?" asked Karp, fearing he already knew the answer.
"Well, remember when Marlene was nice enough to refer me to her brother John…?"
"Oh, that's a relief!" said Karp, his hands clenching stiffly before him, his voice rising. "There's no problem, then. You're fucking the judge in what is probably the most famous and press-ridden murder case in the last six months, and you told her that you were my future brother-in-law. It's perfect.
"Guy named Reedy. The scumbag, as you call him, has him working on these drug killings, some cockamamie task force. Interesting guy, by the way. He's buying me lunch."
"Yeah? He's gonna eat pizza off the truck?"
"Uh-huh. I'm gonna see if he'll spring for two slices with pepperoni. Let him show a little class."
"Ah, these white-shoe types are all dick-heads. You know, you shouldn't be seen with guys like that. People might start thinking you're selling out."
Karp looked pointedly at his watch. "Thanks for the advice, Goom. You wanted to see me about something."
"Yeah, speaking about fucking Italians. Petrossi fishtailed on us."
"What! When was this?"
"Hearing this morning. We had it worked out he would plead guilty on the intentional murder charge and we'd drop the felony murder charges for the other two guys who were killed at the scene. Now he says he wants a trial. I guess he got to thinking why take fifteen, twenty in Attica for free. He could be in there a real long time if we convicted him on all three counts, but he could also beat it entirely and walk."
"Not a fucking chance!"
"We think so, but there's no law against the asshole betting on the come. That's what makes Vegas. Meanwhile…"
"Yeah, we got a trial we didn't expect. But you should be in good shape-you're prepped and all."
Guma inspected his feet and said hesitantly, "Yeah, that's what I wanted to see you about. I'm really strapped here, Butch. I got the Rubio Valdez trial, the world-famous burglar and amateur lawyer wants his twenty-third trial. I got that abduction thing from Washington Heights, I got to go on the appeal in Bostwitch-"
"Goom, what is this shit?" Karp cut in. "This is a multiple homicide. It's your case. The kids can handle fucking Valdez."
"Um, and also there's the judge in Petrossi. Judge Kamas."
"Who? Oh, yeah, the new one they got to replace Birnbaum. What's wrong with her?"
"Nothing, but… ah, there's a conflict, with me. I mean, I know her."
"Yeah, she's a judge, of course you know… Oh, you mean outside. She's a friend of yours?"
"Ehhm… somewhat more."
Slowly Karp's eyes widened and he placed his hands carefully over his ears. "I don't want to hear this, Guma."
"Butch, it was fate. How the fuck was I supposed to know she was going to be moved into Supreme Court? She was a Family Court judge. We met in a restaurant, for Chrissakes."
"I can't believe this. You're schtupping the judge in Petrossi. But now she knows you're her ADA. What'd she say?"
"Well, to tell the truth, she doesn't know. That's the point. That's actually why I can't do the trial. Look, it's a long boring story…"
Karp casually wrapped a long finger around one of Guma's suspenders and said, "Bore me, Mad Dog, I think I need to hear it."
"Butchie, believe me, someday we'll laugh about this whole business. Anyway, the thing of it is, we met in this restaurant, we fell into this conversation about her kid's teeth-she's divorced, right?-a common interest there, and I was giving her all this advice because of what I went through with my kid's teeth. I mean, did you ever see her? Kamas? Forty years old, but a terrific body, you know?
"Anyhow, we were making good progress, a couple, three drinks, and then she says, gosh, you must be an orthodontist, and-so help me, Butch, I didn't think-I pulled out this card I happened to have on me and gave it to her. Yeah, I am an orthodontist, ha-ha, et cetera, et cetera. So she thinks I'm him."
"Who, Guma?" asked Karp, fearing he already knew the answer.
"Well, remember when Marlene was nice enough to refer me to her brother John…?"
"Oh, that's a relief!" said Karp, his hands clenching stiffly before him, his voice rising. "There's no problem, then. You're fucking the judge in what is probably the most famous and press-ridden murder case in the last six months, and you told her that you were my future brother-in-law. It's perfect.
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