me feel terribly guilty. Maybe I’d been too self-absorbed to consider that there might be some reason behind Jolon’s faults. If anyone could understand that, it’s me. All of a sudden I was comparing the gaping hole in my heart to the one that Jolon might be trying to hide too.
I nodded and looked back at the ground, feeling a lump in my throat that I hadn’t felt in so long that I almost didn’t recognize what it was. Ruthann put her hand beneath my chin and raised my gaze back to hers. “And whatever it is that you haven’t healed from will eventually get better too.”
I had no idea how she saw through me to that place that I keep covered up at all times, but she did and I felt overwhelmed. Time and time again, I’d heard people tell me that after a while I’d be able to cope with losing my mother and sister, but not once did I believe them. Sometimes, I think that Shalon was a bigger part of my identity than I am which would make sense seeing as how I feel like less than half a person now. Sometimes, the sound of my own laugh catches me off guard, because after that day, it changed too. Sometimes, I find myself just going through the motions, not really wanting to live anymore, but not having the guts to do anything about it. All of these thoughts are a part of the horrible mixture of fiction and reality that I have to sort through each morning that I resentfully wake up. It wasn’t until Ruthann softly wiped my cheek that I realized I was even crying; it’d been so long since I’d allowed my defenses to be down that much.
“Solei, I think you’d be surprised to find that you and Jolon share a similar hurt. It’s a shame you two don’t get along; maybe you could’ve helped one another.”
I laughed a sarcastic laugh at Ruthann’s words as I wiped my face again. The thought of me and him ever being anything more than cordial was farfetched. “Don’t hold your breath for that,” I replied.
She smiled that same optimistic smile and rubbed my arm. The door chimed and I grabbed the sides of the chair to go help the customer. “Sit here for a while and get yourself together. I’ve got everything under control out there,” Ruthann assured me and then left the room.
With her gone again, I thought about what just happened. I’m sure to her, I was just another emotional teenage girl who needed a good cry, but she had no clue what a breakthrough this was for me. All these years, I’d held in the tears that I wanted to cry everyday but had somehow forgotten how to let out. But sitting here, talking to her, those barriers came tumbling down and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel that I once thought didn’t exist for me.
The rest of the day I kept thinking about our talk. Maybe it was my fault just as much as it was Jolon’s that we didn’t get along. It could be that I was wrong not accepting his apology when he offered it; it’s not really my place to judge whether someone’s being real or not. Now I felt bad. All this time I was so willing to put all the blame on him. Although I was innocent at first, I made myself equally as guilty by snubbing him on Saturday. There was only one way to set things straight; when he came in again, I’d have to take back what I’d done.
There weren’t more than five customers the whole day which made this the slowest day I’d had since starting. Ruthann decided to close up an hour early because no one had been in for about two hours. Instead of having me call my dad to pick me up, she gave me back her car keys and told me to take it.
I was glad to be back at the house. The day was far more emotionally draining than I anticipated. There were two
I nodded and looked back at the ground, feeling a lump in my throat that I hadn’t felt in so long that I almost didn’t recognize what it was. Ruthann put her hand beneath my chin and raised my gaze back to hers. “And whatever it is that you haven’t healed from will eventually get better too.”
I had no idea how she saw through me to that place that I keep covered up at all times, but she did and I felt overwhelmed. Time and time again, I’d heard people tell me that after a while I’d be able to cope with losing my mother and sister, but not once did I believe them. Sometimes, I think that Shalon was a bigger part of my identity than I am which would make sense seeing as how I feel like less than half a person now. Sometimes, the sound of my own laugh catches me off guard, because after that day, it changed too. Sometimes, I find myself just going through the motions, not really wanting to live anymore, but not having the guts to do anything about it. All of these thoughts are a part of the horrible mixture of fiction and reality that I have to sort through each morning that I resentfully wake up. It wasn’t until Ruthann softly wiped my cheek that I realized I was even crying; it’d been so long since I’d allowed my defenses to be down that much.
“Solei, I think you’d be surprised to find that you and Jolon share a similar hurt. It’s a shame you two don’t get along; maybe you could’ve helped one another.”
I laughed a sarcastic laugh at Ruthann’s words as I wiped my face again. The thought of me and him ever being anything more than cordial was farfetched. “Don’t hold your breath for that,” I replied.
She smiled that same optimistic smile and rubbed my arm. The door chimed and I grabbed the sides of the chair to go help the customer. “Sit here for a while and get yourself together. I’ve got everything under control out there,” Ruthann assured me and then left the room.
With her gone again, I thought about what just happened. I’m sure to her, I was just another emotional teenage girl who needed a good cry, but she had no clue what a breakthrough this was for me. All these years, I’d held in the tears that I wanted to cry everyday but had somehow forgotten how to let out. But sitting here, talking to her, those barriers came tumbling down and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel that I once thought didn’t exist for me.
The rest of the day I kept thinking about our talk. Maybe it was my fault just as much as it was Jolon’s that we didn’t get along. It could be that I was wrong not accepting his apology when he offered it; it’s not really my place to judge whether someone’s being real or not. Now I felt bad. All this time I was so willing to put all the blame on him. Although I was innocent at first, I made myself equally as guilty by snubbing him on Saturday. There was only one way to set things straight; when he came in again, I’d have to take back what I’d done.
There weren’t more than five customers the whole day which made this the slowest day I’d had since starting. Ruthann decided to close up an hour early because no one had been in for about two hours. Instead of having me call my dad to pick me up, she gave me back her car keys and told me to take it.
I was glad to be back at the house. The day was far more emotionally draining than I anticipated. There were two
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