bothers people may be rooted in work or fed at work, but more often it is simply that it remains unresolved in the time spent at work.” He crouched and came up smoothly on one leg, held it perfectly still. “What is work?”
I wobbled a bit, thrown by the question. “Everything I do when I’m in uniform.”
“So all the rest is play.”
I didn’t talk to anyone, other than the colonel, about what I did for the army. I was living two lives and there was a sense of inevitability that they would cross. I’d dealt with stress and secrecy in Ops 4-10, but I’d had support from people in the same position. Here, I was alone. I had no one I could truly share with, let alone receive support from. Sure, I had help from the PD. Help appropriate for a rookie doing her job.
There wasn’t any play. It had all but disappeared into the colonel’s work, exercise, eating and sleeping. I didn’t want to lie to Liu.
My balance went to hell, and I had to bring my foot down and move into the next sequence of moves early. Damn. I came here to stop thinking about these things.
He sighed.
“Sit,” he said, folding down into a half lotus. I copied him.
There was a small class doing exercises at the other end of the Kwan, leaving us alone.
“I enjoy you attending this Kwan,” he said and paused. “But I am worried for you.”
“Shi Fu?”
“Your training in the army has given you such control. The Western world calls this ‘iron control.’ You use this to completely hide things deep inside.” He held up a hand to stop me from interrupting. “But iron can rust. Iron can become brittle. There are angers and forces buried in you that will find their way out. If they do this by themselves they can destroy you.”
Liu could sound obscure at times, but we’d never had a conversation like this before. With anyone else, it would have just been embarrassing. But Liu seemed to be talking to something inside me that was taking note.
“Whatever it is, you cannot continue to do what you are doing,” he said. “You must change. You will change; you have no option except how much you are in control of the change.”
Well, what would he advise, if I told him everything that was happening?
Even thinking about it at a mundane level: should I become a PI? Cut myself off from what little support the police were able to provide me? At least then, I wouldn’t be keeping things from them.
“Everywhere you hide your true self, you do damage, to yourself and to those you are hiding from.”
Would he say I should stop seeing my family?
Liu watched me mull through what he’d said.
“If you wish, we will talk again, after sessions.”
I nodded silently.
“For now, trust to your instincts more. Trust them against the rote learning that tells you that things must be so. You are more powerful than you think, if you let yourself be.”
He rose suddenly. “Now, more sparring,” he said.
“Boxing again?” I put my gloves back on, but he shook his head.
“Jujitsu, I think. Not with me. With Tullah.”
“Who?”
“Me.”
I turned to look and sighed. I was going to have to go back to being careful again. Tullah was shorter and slighter than me, and she looked as if she was still in college. She was some exotic blend of Chinese, but martial arts aren’t braided into the genome, they have to be learned. Liu sometimes had me sparring against students who thought they had come a long way. A sort of salutary lesson against getting big-headed.
If she read my thoughts, she made no sign of it. Her face, partly covered by the head protector, was shiny and open. She moved well at least.
We squared off on the mats and I made a standard lunge. A feint, to see how quickly she got out of the way.
She didn’t jerk back, she didn’t move away. She moved in. Inside the span of my arms, she canceled any advantage of reach I had. My weight was too far forward, my center of gravity higher than hers, and she grabbed the collar of my gi ,
I wobbled a bit, thrown by the question. “Everything I do when I’m in uniform.”
“So all the rest is play.”
I didn’t talk to anyone, other than the colonel, about what I did for the army. I was living two lives and there was a sense of inevitability that they would cross. I’d dealt with stress and secrecy in Ops 4-10, but I’d had support from people in the same position. Here, I was alone. I had no one I could truly share with, let alone receive support from. Sure, I had help from the PD. Help appropriate for a rookie doing her job.
There wasn’t any play. It had all but disappeared into the colonel’s work, exercise, eating and sleeping. I didn’t want to lie to Liu.
My balance went to hell, and I had to bring my foot down and move into the next sequence of moves early. Damn. I came here to stop thinking about these things.
He sighed.
“Sit,” he said, folding down into a half lotus. I copied him.
There was a small class doing exercises at the other end of the Kwan, leaving us alone.
“I enjoy you attending this Kwan,” he said and paused. “But I am worried for you.”
“Shi Fu?”
“Your training in the army has given you such control. The Western world calls this ‘iron control.’ You use this to completely hide things deep inside.” He held up a hand to stop me from interrupting. “But iron can rust. Iron can become brittle. There are angers and forces buried in you that will find their way out. If they do this by themselves they can destroy you.”
Liu could sound obscure at times, but we’d never had a conversation like this before. With anyone else, it would have just been embarrassing. But Liu seemed to be talking to something inside me that was taking note.
“Whatever it is, you cannot continue to do what you are doing,” he said. “You must change. You will change; you have no option except how much you are in control of the change.”
Well, what would he advise, if I told him everything that was happening?
Even thinking about it at a mundane level: should I become a PI? Cut myself off from what little support the police were able to provide me? At least then, I wouldn’t be keeping things from them.
“Everywhere you hide your true self, you do damage, to yourself and to those you are hiding from.”
Would he say I should stop seeing my family?
Liu watched me mull through what he’d said.
“If you wish, we will talk again, after sessions.”
I nodded silently.
“For now, trust to your instincts more. Trust them against the rote learning that tells you that things must be so. You are more powerful than you think, if you let yourself be.”
He rose suddenly. “Now, more sparring,” he said.
“Boxing again?” I put my gloves back on, but he shook his head.
“Jujitsu, I think. Not with me. With Tullah.”
“Who?”
“Me.”
I turned to look and sighed. I was going to have to go back to being careful again. Tullah was shorter and slighter than me, and she looked as if she was still in college. She was some exotic blend of Chinese, but martial arts aren’t braided into the genome, they have to be learned. Liu sometimes had me sparring against students who thought they had come a long way. A sort of salutary lesson against getting big-headed.
If she read my thoughts, she made no sign of it. Her face, partly covered by the head protector, was shiny and open. She moved well at least.
We squared off on the mats and I made a standard lunge. A feint, to see how quickly she got out of the way.
She didn’t jerk back, she didn’t move away. She moved in. Inside the span of my arms, she canceled any advantage of reach I had. My weight was too far forward, my center of gravity higher than hers, and she grabbed the collar of my gi ,
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