place where you could sell part of your body, where they buy an arm or somethin’ for a thousand dollars, I would do it. I would do it for my children. I would give my life if I could get a thousand dollars. What would I lose? I lived my life. I want to see my children grow up to live theirs.
“A lot of women do not want to sell their bodies. This is something that good women do not want to do. I will sell mine. I
will
. I will solicit. I will prostitute if it will feed them.”
I ask: “Would you do it?”
“Ain’t no ‘would I?’ I would do it.” Long pause … “Yes. I
did
.
“I had to do it when the check ain’t come. Wasn’t no one gonna buy my arm for any thousand dollars. But they’s plenty gonna pay me twenty dollars for my body. What was my choice? Leave them out there on the street, a child like Angelina, to panhandle? I would take my life if someone found her dead somewhere. I would go crazy. After she did it that one time I was ashamed. I cried that night. All night I cried and cried. So I decided I had one thing left. In the mornin’ I got up out of this bed. I told them I was goin’ out. Out in the street. Stand by the curb. It was a cold day. Freezin’! And my chest is bad. I’mthirty-eight years old. Cop come by. He see me there. I’m standin’ out there cryin’. Tells me I should go inside. Gives me three dollars. ‘It’s too cold to be outside.’ Ain’t many cops like that. Not many people either …
“After he’s gone a man come by. Get in his car. Go with him where he want. Takin’ a chance he crazy and he kill me. Wishin’ somehow that he would.
“So he stop his car. And I get in. I say a price. That’s it. Go to a room. It’s some hotel. He had a lot of money so he rented a deluxe. Asked me would I stay with him all night. I tell him no I can’t ’cause I have kids. So, after he done … whatever he did … I told him that I had to leave. Took out a knife at me and held it at my face. He made me stay. When I woke up next day I was depressed. Feel so guilty what I did. I feel real scared. I can understand why prostitutes shoot drugs. They take the drugs so they don’t be afraid.
“When he put that knife up to my throat, I’m thinkin’ this: What is there left to lose? I’m not goin’ to do any better in this life. If I be dead at least my kids won’t ever have to say that I betrayed them. I don’t like to think like that. But when things pile up on you, you do. ‘I’m better if I’m dead.’
“So I got me twenty dollars and I go and buy the Pampers for the baby and three dollars of bologna and a loaf of bread and everyone is fed.
“That cross of Jesus on the wall I had for seven years. I don’t know if I believe or not. Bible say that Jesus was God’s son. He died for us to live here on this earth. See, I believe—Jesus was innocent. But, when He died, what was it for? He died for nothin’. Died in vain. He should a let us die like we be doin’—we be dyin’ all the time. We dyin’ every day.
“God forgive me. I don’t mean the things I say. Godhad one son and He gave His son. He gave him up. I couldn’t do it. I got four. I could not give any one of them. I couldn’t do it. God could do it. Is it wrong to say it? I don’t know if Jesus died in vain.”
She holds the Bible in her hands. Crying softly. Sitting on the box spring in her tangled robe.
“They laid him in a manger. Right? Listen to me. I didn’t say that God forsaken us. I am confused about religion. I’m just sayin’ evil overrules the good. So many bad things goin’ on. Lot of bad things right here in this buildin’. It’s not easy to believe. I don’t read the Bible no more ’cause I don’t find no more hope in it. I don’t believe. But yet and still … I know these words.” She reads aloud: “‘Lie down in green pastures … leadeth me beside still waters … restores my soul … I shall not want.’
“All that I want is somethin’ that’s my own. I got
“A lot of women do not want to sell their bodies. This is something that good women do not want to do. I will sell mine. I
will
. I will solicit. I will prostitute if it will feed them.”
I ask: “Would you do it?”
“Ain’t no ‘would I?’ I would do it.” Long pause … “Yes. I
did
.
“I had to do it when the check ain’t come. Wasn’t no one gonna buy my arm for any thousand dollars. But they’s plenty gonna pay me twenty dollars for my body. What was my choice? Leave them out there on the street, a child like Angelina, to panhandle? I would take my life if someone found her dead somewhere. I would go crazy. After she did it that one time I was ashamed. I cried that night. All night I cried and cried. So I decided I had one thing left. In the mornin’ I got up out of this bed. I told them I was goin’ out. Out in the street. Stand by the curb. It was a cold day. Freezin’! And my chest is bad. I’mthirty-eight years old. Cop come by. He see me there. I’m standin’ out there cryin’. Tells me I should go inside. Gives me three dollars. ‘It’s too cold to be outside.’ Ain’t many cops like that. Not many people either …
“After he’s gone a man come by. Get in his car. Go with him where he want. Takin’ a chance he crazy and he kill me. Wishin’ somehow that he would.
“So he stop his car. And I get in. I say a price. That’s it. Go to a room. It’s some hotel. He had a lot of money so he rented a deluxe. Asked me would I stay with him all night. I tell him no I can’t ’cause I have kids. So, after he done … whatever he did … I told him that I had to leave. Took out a knife at me and held it at my face. He made me stay. When I woke up next day I was depressed. Feel so guilty what I did. I feel real scared. I can understand why prostitutes shoot drugs. They take the drugs so they don’t be afraid.
“When he put that knife up to my throat, I’m thinkin’ this: What is there left to lose? I’m not goin’ to do any better in this life. If I be dead at least my kids won’t ever have to say that I betrayed them. I don’t like to think like that. But when things pile up on you, you do. ‘I’m better if I’m dead.’
“So I got me twenty dollars and I go and buy the Pampers for the baby and three dollars of bologna and a loaf of bread and everyone is fed.
“That cross of Jesus on the wall I had for seven years. I don’t know if I believe or not. Bible say that Jesus was God’s son. He died for us to live here on this earth. See, I believe—Jesus was innocent. But, when He died, what was it for? He died for nothin’. Died in vain. He should a let us die like we be doin’—we be dyin’ all the time. We dyin’ every day.
“God forgive me. I don’t mean the things I say. Godhad one son and He gave His son. He gave him up. I couldn’t do it. I got four. I could not give any one of them. I couldn’t do it. God could do it. Is it wrong to say it? I don’t know if Jesus died in vain.”
She holds the Bible in her hands. Crying softly. Sitting on the box spring in her tangled robe.
“They laid him in a manger. Right? Listen to me. I didn’t say that God forsaken us. I am confused about religion. I’m just sayin’ evil overrules the good. So many bad things goin’ on. Lot of bad things right here in this buildin’. It’s not easy to believe. I don’t read the Bible no more ’cause I don’t find no more hope in it. I don’t believe. But yet and still … I know these words.” She reads aloud: “‘Lie down in green pastures … leadeth me beside still waters … restores my soul … I shall not want.’
“All that I want is somethin’ that’s my own. I got
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