Pure Spring by Brian Doyle Page B

they’ll try to make you laugh while they’re picking your pocket. That’s why they get to be comedians.
    â€œThe Jews started the First World War and the SecondWorld War...and now the Commies...did you know... you know what fluoridization is? No, you probably don’t. Fluoridization is a plan that they’re talking about to put stuff in our drinking water that’s supposed to stop your teeth from rotting. Well, those Commies up there in city hall, most of them Jews are plotting to poison us all and take over the city...did you know that Doris Day is a Jew, her real name is Doris Von Krapelhead or some stupid thing. Come on, kid. Wake up!”
    Randy seems crazier today than usual.
    Is it because he’s in such a good mood?
    While Randy’s raving away about Commies and Jews, I’m thinking about last night. Gerty and I went walking. The more we walked, the more I told her of my plan. First I told her some, then more, then all and the more I told the happier she got. She cried, and then she laughed and as Randy might say while she laughed the tears rolled down her eyes. Then she sighed and then her eyes were on fire, set on fire, flashing with disgust and hatred for Randy.
    It was a long walk because I had to tell her about Igor Gouzenko and the stolen papers and go over the plan with her again and again.
    Gerty likes the plan. She loves the plan. She’ll have the tulips ready. She’ll have the back garage unlocked. She can’t wait. She’s more excited than I am.
    This is Saturday. The last day I’ll ever work at Pure Spring. Randy doesn’t know this. He won’t know it until it’s too late.
    And Randy will never, ever know this.
    Last night, in the half-moon light by Baron Strathcona’s fountain, I kissed Gerty McDowell on the lips.
    We pull up in front of McDowell’s Grocery and Lunch on Sweetland.
    Gerty is in the doorway of the store. Everything is written on her face that only I can see.
    â€œThere’s Gerty McDowell,” I say. I have put cheerfulness in my voice.
    â€œSo
that’s
Gerty McDowell! Oh ho! I get it now, Boy. She’s your girl! Why didn’t you tell me? Hey, she’s a nice lookin’ piece. Wow wow wow! Way to go, there, Boy O’Boy! Look at the great hair. And the blue ribbon in the hair! Nice touch, there, Romeo. Eh? Eh? You gotta tell me all about her. What she’s like, ya know what I’m sayin’?”
    We get out of the truck.
    â€œI’ll go down. Check the basement,” I say.
    â€œOkay,” says Randy. “Mind if I have a little chat with your sweetie?”
    Instead, there’s Sandy coming out of the store just like we planned and he starts a little show for Randy. Gerty gives Sandy a sandwich. He bows. He turns. He begins to eat the sandwich. He salutes.
    I’m in the store and down into the cellar. I open the cellar window and crawl out. I can hear Sandy’s clicking heels. Now Gerty’s giving him the cup of tea. Now the show starts over. More Sandy. More heels clicking.
    I pull three full cases of Honee Orange off the truck, careful, no noise, and wheel them into McDowell’s garage.I come back. Now I hear Gerty’s voice. Sandy’s act is over. Gerty has applauded and got Randy to applaud a bit, too. Gerty is saying, “Mr. Randy, could you come in a minute? I’d like to talk personally to you...” Just like we planned. Distract. Then act!
    I pull three more cases, ginger ale this time, off the truck and dolly them into the garage and shut the door. I bring back the dolly, load it quiet, crawl back into the cellar.
    Mutt McDowell’s stolen cases are back! I’m a thief again, in reverse!
    When I come up through the trap door in the store I see Gerty giving Randy the bunch of tulips. Randy loves tulips. I told her about that.
    â€œOh,
really
?” she said when I told her, her eyes smiling.
    â€œMartin tells me that you’ve