good?’
‘Not if it isn’t true.’
‘Hang on. Isn’t there a bit of rank-pulling going on here? “Only we’ve been in love because only we’ve suffered.”’
‘I wasn’t saying that.’
‘Weren’t you?’
‘Do you think women love more than men?’
‘More – in the sense of more often or more intensely?’
‘Only a man could ask that question.’
‘Well, that’s what I am – a poor fucking man.’
‘Not after dinner at Phil and Joanna’s, you aren’t. As we noted.’
‘Did we?’
‘Oh God, I hope you’re not going to make us all go home and try to get it on to prove –’
‘I hate “get it on” as well.’
‘I remember one of those American TV shows – you know, we solve your emotional and sexual problems by putting you in front of a studio audience and making a spectacle out of you, and sending the audience home feeling very glad they aren’t you.’
‘That’s an extremely British denunciation.’
‘Well, I remain British. Anyway, there was this woman, talking about how her marriage or relationship wasn’t working, and of course they got on to sex right away, and one of the so-called experts, some glib TV counsellor, actually asked her, “Do you have big orgasms?”’
‘Ker-pow. Straight for the G-spot.’
‘And she looked at this therapist, and said, with actually rather a fetching modesty, “Well, they seem big to me.”’
‘Bravo. And so say all of us.’
‘So what are you saying?’
‘I’m saying we shouldn’t necessarily feel superior to Pete.’
‘Do we? I don’t. And if he’s passed the fifty mark, I doff my cap.’
‘Do you think Pete gets off with women because he can’t get on with them?’
‘No, I just think he has a low boredom threshold.’
‘If you’re in love, you don’t have a boredom threshold.’
‘I think you can be in love and bored.’
‘Do I fear another hands-under-the-table moment?’
‘Don’t be so defensive.’
‘Well, I am. I come here to gorge myself on your delicious food and wine, not to be water-boarded like this.’
‘Sing for your supper.’
‘“And you’ll get breakfast …”’
‘What I’m saying, in defence of this Pete whom I’ve never met, is merely, perhaps he’s loved, or been in love, as much as his constitution allows, and why feel superior to him just because of that?’
‘There are some people who wouldn’t fall in love if they hadn’t read about it first.’
‘Spare us your Froggy wisdom for one night.’
‘Is it safe to take our hands out from under the table now?’
‘It’s never safe. That’s the whole point.’
‘What is the point, by the way?’
‘Let me summarise. For those unable to keep up. This house is agreed that the British use the C-word far too liberally, that men talk about sex because they can’t talk about love, that women and the Frogs understand love better than Englishmen, that love is pain, and that any man who’s had more women than me, apart from being a lucky cunt, doesn’t really understand women.’
‘Brilliant, Dick. I second the motion.’
‘You second Dick’s motion? You must be the Hub Director.’
‘Oh, shut up, boys. I thought that was a very male summary.’
‘Would you like to give us a female summary?’
‘Probably not.’
‘Are you implying that summarising is a contemptible male trait?’
‘Not especially. Though my summary might mention how passive-aggressive men get when talking about subjects which make them feel unsure of themselves.’
‘“Passive-aggressive”. I hate that word, or phrase, or whatever it is. I would guess it has a ninety to ninety-five per cent female use. I don’t even know what it means. Or rather, what it’s meant to mean.’
‘What did we say before we said “passive-aggressive”?’
‘How about “well mannered”?’
‘“Passive-aggressive” indicates a psychological condition.’
‘So does “well mannered”. And a very healthy one too.’
‘Does anyone
‘Not if it isn’t true.’
‘Hang on. Isn’t there a bit of rank-pulling going on here? “Only we’ve been in love because only we’ve suffered.”’
‘I wasn’t saying that.’
‘Weren’t you?’
‘Do you think women love more than men?’
‘More – in the sense of more often or more intensely?’
‘Only a man could ask that question.’
‘Well, that’s what I am – a poor fucking man.’
‘Not after dinner at Phil and Joanna’s, you aren’t. As we noted.’
‘Did we?’
‘Oh God, I hope you’re not going to make us all go home and try to get it on to prove –’
‘I hate “get it on” as well.’
‘I remember one of those American TV shows – you know, we solve your emotional and sexual problems by putting you in front of a studio audience and making a spectacle out of you, and sending the audience home feeling very glad they aren’t you.’
‘That’s an extremely British denunciation.’
‘Well, I remain British. Anyway, there was this woman, talking about how her marriage or relationship wasn’t working, and of course they got on to sex right away, and one of the so-called experts, some glib TV counsellor, actually asked her, “Do you have big orgasms?”’
‘Ker-pow. Straight for the G-spot.’
‘And she looked at this therapist, and said, with actually rather a fetching modesty, “Well, they seem big to me.”’
‘Bravo. And so say all of us.’
‘So what are you saying?’
‘I’m saying we shouldn’t necessarily feel superior to Pete.’
‘Do we? I don’t. And if he’s passed the fifty mark, I doff my cap.’
‘Do you think Pete gets off with women because he can’t get on with them?’
‘No, I just think he has a low boredom threshold.’
‘If you’re in love, you don’t have a boredom threshold.’
‘I think you can be in love and bored.’
‘Do I fear another hands-under-the-table moment?’
‘Don’t be so defensive.’
‘Well, I am. I come here to gorge myself on your delicious food and wine, not to be water-boarded like this.’
‘Sing for your supper.’
‘“And you’ll get breakfast …”’
‘What I’m saying, in defence of this Pete whom I’ve never met, is merely, perhaps he’s loved, or been in love, as much as his constitution allows, and why feel superior to him just because of that?’
‘There are some people who wouldn’t fall in love if they hadn’t read about it first.’
‘Spare us your Froggy wisdom for one night.’
‘Is it safe to take our hands out from under the table now?’
‘It’s never safe. That’s the whole point.’
‘What is the point, by the way?’
‘Let me summarise. For those unable to keep up. This house is agreed that the British use the C-word far too liberally, that men talk about sex because they can’t talk about love, that women and the Frogs understand love better than Englishmen, that love is pain, and that any man who’s had more women than me, apart from being a lucky cunt, doesn’t really understand women.’
‘Brilliant, Dick. I second the motion.’
‘You second Dick’s motion? You must be the Hub Director.’
‘Oh, shut up, boys. I thought that was a very male summary.’
‘Would you like to give us a female summary?’
‘Probably not.’
‘Are you implying that summarising is a contemptible male trait?’
‘Not especially. Though my summary might mention how passive-aggressive men get when talking about subjects which make them feel unsure of themselves.’
‘“Passive-aggressive”. I hate that word, or phrase, or whatever it is. I would guess it has a ninety to ninety-five per cent female use. I don’t even know what it means. Or rather, what it’s meant to mean.’
‘What did we say before we said “passive-aggressive”?’
‘How about “well mannered”?’
‘“Passive-aggressive” indicates a psychological condition.’
‘So does “well mannered”. And a very healthy one too.’
‘Does anyone
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