to take a deep breath like you did just now and just do it?’
Lila was taken aback by how instantly Uncle George had hit upon it. More and more often when she opened her mouth in assembly for some dreary compulsory hymn, she thought that to let the sound burst out of her would be, at the very least, interesting, and probably wonderful. The idea filled her with a sense of danger but also with an intense premonition of safety; she predicted that there might be a kind of sanctuary in the very letting go. She had been glad when the end of term had freed her from the temptation. But now, one long top B flat sung out towards the sea had left her elated. She stared at the beach, poking in the stones with the toe of her plimsoll, and tried to quell a bubbling feeling in her throat.
‘Your mum doesn’t really mean it, you know,’ Uncle George said. ‘She’s just—’
‘—having a nervous breakdown.’
He searched for a way to deny this truthfully and couldn’t. ‘It’s just hard for her…The thing is, she wanted to have more of a career, and when people are disappointed, they sometimes…’
‘Oh, I know! I know! They’re allowed to shout and scream and go on and start fires and paint letters on doors! They’re allowed to upset everyone around them!’
She got up and marched down the beach. ‘He’s just as bad, she wouldn’t be like that if he was any use! I hate them!’
Her disloyalty felt magnificent and risky, as if something with strong wings were trying to flap its way out of her chest. Uncle George watched her stride around, kicking through seaweed and soaking her shoes.
‘Oh, come on,’ he called out to her, ‘she’s not as bad as all that. Your dad does his best. There are reasons.’
‘I know! You all think I’m too stupid to notice! I’m not stupid, I’ve worked it out, I’m not a child!’
‘Worked what out?’
Lila returned up the beach and stood in front of him.
She said, ‘I know what happened!’
George looked at her while he took the last drag of his cigarette and threw the butt away. ‘You do?’ he said, shading his eyes. ‘Really? Who told you?’
The mildness in his voice perplexed her. She was telling him she hated her parents and knew their dirty secret and he did not seem to mind.
‘
You
know what I’m talking about.’ Was he going to make her say the words aloud?
‘Well, I think I do, but maybe you’d better tell me and see if I’m right.’
‘
Well.
It’s no secret, she met him when she was twenty, she tells everybody that much,’ she said, dropping down onto the tussock again. ‘Before she had a chance to get famous. He came to hear her sing and
fell madly in love with her and promised to look after her forever
.’ She pushed the words out sourly. ‘And he told her he was going to be a lawyer, and they got married straight away, a fortnight after they met, and he misled her. He lied to her. He’s not a lawyer, he’s only a lawyer’s clerk.’
She sensed Uncle George was about to interrupt. Quickly she said, ‘Look, I worked out ages ago what happened!’
She leaned forward and cupped her face in her hands to hide how red it was. ‘I do
know
the facts of life, you know,’ she said, trying to sound adult and breezy. She did know them, but having to associate them with her own parents nauseated her.
‘Not sure I’m quite with you.’
‘You know! August 1944, and my birthday’s May 1945. It’s obvious! They must’ve, you know. I must have been a…a honeymoon baby.’
George was staring into the sand and appeared not to hear.
‘Right? And so that was that,’ she said. ‘Wasn’t it? They didn’t even
want
me. She couldn’t be a singer, not with a baby, and he never did what you’ve got to do to be a proper lawyer because they got stuck with me.’
‘You were a bit unexpected,’ Uncle George said.
Lila said more quietly, ‘It’s not as if I could help it.’
They said nothing for a while.
‘Look,’ George said,
Lila was taken aback by how instantly Uncle George had hit upon it. More and more often when she opened her mouth in assembly for some dreary compulsory hymn, she thought that to let the sound burst out of her would be, at the very least, interesting, and probably wonderful. The idea filled her with a sense of danger but also with an intense premonition of safety; she predicted that there might be a kind of sanctuary in the very letting go. She had been glad when the end of term had freed her from the temptation. But now, one long top B flat sung out towards the sea had left her elated. She stared at the beach, poking in the stones with the toe of her plimsoll, and tried to quell a bubbling feeling in her throat.
‘Your mum doesn’t really mean it, you know,’ Uncle George said. ‘She’s just—’
‘—having a nervous breakdown.’
He searched for a way to deny this truthfully and couldn’t. ‘It’s just hard for her…The thing is, she wanted to have more of a career, and when people are disappointed, they sometimes…’
‘Oh, I know! I know! They’re allowed to shout and scream and go on and start fires and paint letters on doors! They’re allowed to upset everyone around them!’
She got up and marched down the beach. ‘He’s just as bad, she wouldn’t be like that if he was any use! I hate them!’
Her disloyalty felt magnificent and risky, as if something with strong wings were trying to flap its way out of her chest. Uncle George watched her stride around, kicking through seaweed and soaking her shoes.
‘Oh, come on,’ he called out to her, ‘she’s not as bad as all that. Your dad does his best. There are reasons.’
‘I know! You all think I’m too stupid to notice! I’m not stupid, I’ve worked it out, I’m not a child!’
‘Worked what out?’
Lila returned up the beach and stood in front of him.
She said, ‘I know what happened!’
George looked at her while he took the last drag of his cigarette and threw the butt away. ‘You do?’ he said, shading his eyes. ‘Really? Who told you?’
The mildness in his voice perplexed her. She was telling him she hated her parents and knew their dirty secret and he did not seem to mind.
‘
You
know what I’m talking about.’ Was he going to make her say the words aloud?
‘Well, I think I do, but maybe you’d better tell me and see if I’m right.’
‘
Well.
It’s no secret, she met him when she was twenty, she tells everybody that much,’ she said, dropping down onto the tussock again. ‘Before she had a chance to get famous. He came to hear her sing and
fell madly in love with her and promised to look after her forever
.’ She pushed the words out sourly. ‘And he told her he was going to be a lawyer, and they got married straight away, a fortnight after they met, and he misled her. He lied to her. He’s not a lawyer, he’s only a lawyer’s clerk.’
She sensed Uncle George was about to interrupt. Quickly she said, ‘Look, I worked out ages ago what happened!’
She leaned forward and cupped her face in her hands to hide how red it was. ‘I do
know
the facts of life, you know,’ she said, trying to sound adult and breezy. She did know them, but having to associate them with her own parents nauseated her.
‘Not sure I’m quite with you.’
‘You know! August 1944, and my birthday’s May 1945. It’s obvious! They must’ve, you know. I must have been a…a honeymoon baby.’
George was staring into the sand and appeared not to hear.
‘Right? And so that was that,’ she said. ‘Wasn’t it? They didn’t even
want
me. She couldn’t be a singer, not with a baby, and he never did what you’ve got to do to be a proper lawyer because they got stuck with me.’
‘You were a bit unexpected,’ Uncle George said.
Lila said more quietly, ‘It’s not as if I could help it.’
They said nothing for a while.
‘Look,’ George said,
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